Mistakes
by artemiskitty
Summary: Alex has been back from witness protection for a few months and seems to have forgotten the friends she left behind. But when Robert turns violent, she turns to the only friends she knows who can help her get her life back together. Will eventually become A/O romance. ***Warning: rape scene***
1. Chapter 1

Alex smiled to herself as she hung up the phone and began gathering up the case files on her desk. She'd been planning on staying late, like she usually did, to go over Monday's court appearances one more time, but Robert had called, explaining that he'd be going to a last-minute dinner meeting and would be home late.

_With a little luck, I can have a nice, relaxing evening and be asleep before he gets back, _she thought, packing up her attaché bag. The case could wait. She needed a break.

"Calling it a night already, Alex?" Jim Steele asked as she turned off the light in her office and locked the door. "I don't think I've ever seen you leave before 9, even on a Friday. Got some wedding planning to do?"

Alex smiled. "Nope, not tonight. There's a glass of wine with my name on it at home, and after the way court went today, I've just decided to give myself a night off for once."

"Well, have a good weekend. I'll see you on Monday to go over the Stahl case.

"Yeah, that's what I'll be working on this weekend. See you Monday. Have a good weekend, Jim."

When Alex turned the key in the lock to the penthouse she was relieved to find the lights out and Robert's coat wasn't hanging at the door. She hung up her coat and her bag at the entrance, and slipped off her heels. There would still be time to put them in the closet before Robert got home, after her bath.

Since she'd gotten engaged, she rarely had time to herself. Work was work, and since she was still new in her job as Bureau Chief, she justified her long hours to Robert by explaining that she had to make up for the three years she'd lost in Witness Protection. She still wanted to be District Attorney someday, so she had to prove herself all over again. And scumbags never sleep, she told him, so neither did she.

And of course, when she did get home, there was always Robert.

Alex went into the master bathroom and started running the bath, throwing in a handful of lavender bath salts and some bubble bath. She took her robe off the hook and brought it into her walk-in closet, slipping off her suit and hanging it up before she put on the robe. Crouching in the back corner, she pulled out a shoebox from the middle of the pile, smiling as she pulled out the paperback with the Georgia O'Keefe painting on the cover and the small waterproof vibrator from their hiding place and slipped them into her pocket before sliding the box back into place. Good thing Robert wasn't interested in her shoe collection, she thought.

She took a deep breath and went to the kitchen, pouring herself a generous glass of Chateauneuf de Pape, a red Bordeaux, from the open bottle in the wine fridge, and took a sip, relaxing almost instantly. She checked the batteries in the vibrator to make sure they still worked.

_It's funny,_ she thought, as she plugged in her cellphone next to the bed and slipped her 2.5 carat ring onto the jewellery tray on the night stand. She never wore it in the tub so it wouldn't accidentally go down the drain. _I don't think I ever felt this alone in Wisconsin._

In the bathroom, she turned off the faucet and tested the water temperature, hung her bathrobe over the heater and took her guilty pleasures out of the pocket and put them on the shelf next to the bathtub. She sighed audibly as she slipped into the hot water, and reached over to turn on a CD of classical music.

Alex sat for a few minutes with her eyes closed, felling the tension leave her body as the jets worked on the muscles in her back and she made a conscious effort to forget about work and about Robert.

When she finally felt relaxed, Alex reached over for the paperback and flipped it open to one of the more erotic passages. She'd read the romantic chapters another time. Tonight, she wanted to enjoy the smut.

By the time her wine was almost gone, she felt flushed, and she thought she might be sufficiently relaxed to take care of business. Putting down her glass of wine, she slipped one hand between her legs, running one finger over her clit and shuddering. It had been far too long. She dragged her fingers between her labia and began sliding her index finger in and out rhythmically, rubbing her thumb over her most sensitive part. She let the book fall to the floor next to the bathtub, breathing deeply and reaching up with her other hand to grab her breast and run her fingers around her nipples, arching her back away from the water jets.

When she felt like she was close, she stopped moving her thumb and left her fingers inside, picking up the book again and flipping to her next favorite passage. She had all night, and she wanted to enjoy it.

The next time she felt her muscles twitching around her fingers, she put down the book and reached for the vibrator, turned it on the lowest setting, and ran it across her nipples, down her flat stomach, and up each of her thighs. She made contact tentatively, applying light pressure to her clit before pulling it away, teasing herself until she was almost there.

Her heart stopped when she heard him growl. "That is so hot."


	2. Chapter 2

Before she could react, he pulled her up out of the tub and pressed her hand to his erection, his arm wrapped tightly across her back as his hand squeezed her ass.

"Robert, no…" Alex's eyes opened wide, and she felt tears stinging the corners of her eyes. How long had he been there, watching her touch herself? She cringed at the humiliation and felt her cheeks flush red. The bubbles were almost gone, and she'd only had sex with him under the covers in a dark bedroom. Here, she was completely exposed.

"I see you missed me tonight. I wish you would have waited for me though. Am I not enough for you? Do you need more?" His eyes darkened as he pulled her wet body closer, pushing his mouth onto hers and forcing her lips apart with his tongue. She could smell the scotch on his breath.

"Robert, please, can you give me a minute to put my robe on?"

Alex tried to push away, and the vibrator dropped from her hand onto the floor. Robert took his mouth off of hers but didn't move his face back as he studied her face and smiled. He looked down at the object that had crashed to the floor, then to the book she had placed face down to hold her spot.

"Oh sweetie, you won't need a robe for what we're going to do." He pulled her in tighter, pressing his mouth into the pulse point on her neck and sucking hard as Alex's body stiffened in his grip.

"Robert, I… not tonight, okay? I had a rough day at work and I'm really not in the mood…"

"Well it certainly _looks_ like you're in the mood. And I'm certainly much better for you than your battery operated friend and your _porn_." His voice turned to a growl again as he emphasised the last word.

"Robert, I just wanted a nice, relaxing evening to myself. This has nothing to do with you, okay? Please, just let me go."

Robert reached down and picked up the vibrator and the paperback, grinning slightly as he looked into his fiancée's eyes.

"Oh, don't you worry, sweetie. We'll still use your _toys. _You're in for one hell of a night."

"Robert, stop. I DO NOT want to have sex with you right now. Please let me go. You don't have to do this."

"Baby, by the time I'm done, you'll be begging for more. Now let's go to bed."

She struggled against him as he walked her backwards to the bed, laid her down, and straddled her hips. He took off his tie, and she whimpered as he took her wrists and tied them to the headboard.

"Now you won't be able to get away so easy," he growled, winking at her as he took off his suit jacket and folded it across the back of a chair.

Alex felt the knot in her stomach tighten as she realised what was going to happen. _Not to me. This can't happen to me. _She couldn't get the tie loose. And even if she could, where was she going to go? She took a breath. She could talk murders into taking a deal with hardly any evidence. She could certainly convince her reasonably intelligent fiancé that forcing her was not a good idea.

She put on her best prosecutor voice, the one that made defense attorneys shake in their boots and defendants cut off their own balls and present them to her with bows from the witness stand.

"Robert, you realize that I used to prosecute sex crimes and rapists, right? Believe me when I say you do not want to do this. Please untie me and we can talk about this later." She tried to hide the desperation in her voice, but she could feel herself starting to shake. Robert was naked and climbing on top of her.

"Alexandra, you are so hot right now. I came home to my beautiful fiancée, aroused and ready for me to take her any way I want to, _all night long_." He pulled back and laid next to her, dragging thick, hard fingers up and down her body, along her thighs and up to her breasts. "Besides, you ever let me see you like this when we make love. Tonight, you're all mine. And we're going to start by you introducing me to your friend."

He grabbed the vibrator off the nightstand, and Alex made one last-ditch effort to cross her legs at the ankles, trying to keep them together and willing herself not to cry.

Robert straddled her hips again, naked this time, and put his hands on her breasts, squeezing them as he leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Open your eyes, baby, and watch me make love to you."

"It isn't making love if you're forcing me, Robert," she choked out.

He licked each of her nipples and her navel, before sliding down until his face was between her legs. Taking one ankle in each hand, he unwrapped her legs and forced them apart.

"Trust me, Alexandra, I don't think I'll have to force you to do this. Although I've never understood why you've never wanted me to do this for you. I thought women loved this. And you certainly love reading about it. When I found that one the last time I never understood why a beautiful, classy woman like you would read this smut." He lowered his voice to a growl. "Although it is every man's dream for his trophy wife to be a whore in bed."

Alex flushed red and tears streamed down her cheeks. They'd had a huge fight one night when Alex had left out one of her books. Robert had thought it was a trashy romance novel and had told her in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't tolerate her reading such low-brow fiction and leaving it around for their friends in high places to see when they came over. No matter that she'd left it in her nightstand drawer and she'd never had guests in the bedroom.

She'd retorted that after spending all day going toe to toe with psychopaths and murders, she thought she was entitled to a little romance novel as a guilty pleasure, an escape. She was relieved when she'd realized that he hadn't figure out what the book really was. If he was that upset by the idea of her reading a trashy romance novel, she couldn't imagine what he'd do if he'd figured out what she _had_ been reading. That was when she started hiding her more embarrassing books with her rarely-used vibrator in an old shoebox in the back of her closet.

He grabbed the vibrator off the nightstand and put it on a medium setting, and he felt Alex's body tighten under his. She twisted from side to side, freeing one leg and kicking him in the shoulder, before he grabbed her thighs and forced them apart, holding her pelvis down.

"Relax, Alexandra. Relax."

He pressed the vibrator to her clit and thrust two fingers into her, his forearm pushing her thigh back into the bed. She held her breath as he pumped in and out of her, feeling her get tighter around him.

"Too much," she gasped at the direct stimulation, her breathing getting more and more shallow as the pressure built in her gut. She used it so rarely that she hardly ever got past the the second setting, and she never applied it directly. _I can't let him do this to me. I can't let him have the satisfaction of giving me an orgasm while he's raping me._

She willed herself to stop being aroused._Think, Alex. Think of something, anything - the least sexy things you can imagine. Dirty socks. The date with Trevor Langan and his kiss with way too much tongue. Getting shot. Petrovsky jailing her for contempt._

"Oh," she moaned, against her will. It wasn't working. She was almost there. And Robert knew it, too. She wondered how long it was going to take him to figure out that she'd been faking it all along. He was a lot of things, but he was not a stupid man.

He withdrew his fingers and took away the vibrator, dropping it next to her on the bed as he knelt before her. She tried to force her legs together again, but he pushed back hard on both of her thighs, finally forcing himself into her.

She gasped at the pressure when he thrust into her, leaning into her with all of his weight as he reached his hand down and rubbed her clit with his thumb.

Alex choked back a sob as her body started to shake and twitch, the orgasm taking away whatever dignity she thought she might have had left. She kept her eyes squeezed shut and didn't know how long he kept thrusting into her, each one more painful than the last, until he finally collapsed onto her after his own orgasm.

"Oh, baby, that was so good. You'll have to let me go down on you more often," he whispered into her ear, seeming not to notice that she was shaking and her face was wet. "Now, let's read some of that book of yours to get you turned on again. Then it'll be my turn to leave you hanging while I take a quick shower and go back downtown to that business meeting that was supposed to start half an hour ago. When I come back, there are lots of new things I want to try with you."

He picked the book up off the nightstand and his eyes grew wide as he started to read. This was no romance novel.

"Alexandra, I can't believe you. How do you expect your future constituents to take you seriously if you read this…" he paused, not knowing exactly what to call it. His lips curled in disgust. "… dyke porn?"

Alex looked right in his eye and willed her voice not to shake. "I hardly expect that anyone other than me would know what I read in my spare time in the privacy of my own home. I certainly wasn't planning on sharing that with you or anybody else."

Robert lowered his voice seductively again and cupped her breast before trailing lightly down her stomach and sticking two fingers at her entrance. "Well, I suppose I can't be too upset, considering I just gave you the best orgasm you've had with me."

"Robert, that was the _only_ orgasm I've had with you. And you didn't give it to me, you took it from me." She fixed him with an icy stare as his nostrils flared in anger. "Now, you got what you came for. Please untie me and go back to your frat club dinner. We'll discuss this later."

His hand came down hard against her cheek and she whimpered as the blood rushed to her face and hot tears filled her eyes again.

"Do you mean to tell me you've been faking it this whole time? That you need to fuck yourself to dyke porn in the bathtub to get off?"

Alex stared at him defiantly as he grabbed the vibrator off the bed and turned it on high. He spread forced her legs apart again, pumping it inside of her several times before turning her on her side and thrusting it where she had never allowed anyone to touch her. She forced her eyes shut and refused to make a sound, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he was hurting her.

After a few hard thrusts he stopped, turning the vibrator and leaving it inside of her while he reached up to untie her hands. Without another word, he took the tie and his suit into the bathroom to rinse off and get dressed before going back to his business meeting.

Alex reached behind her to take out the vibrator and stayed on her side, curling up into fetal position and reaching behind her to fold the duvet on top of her. She stared at the wall, her mind blank, as she heard the shower turn off.

When Robert came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, he looked at her contentedly, stroking the tie that he had used to restrain her as his mouth curled into a smile. He leaned over her and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"I'll see you in a bit, Alexandra. We'll continue this later."

After she heard the front door shut, she looked over at the phone that was still plugged in on the nightstand, reaching for it and dialling the only number she could.

"Benson," she answered after three rings.

Alex's voice shook as she tried to figure out what to say to the woman she hadn't spoken to in 3 years.

"Liv… Olivia," she paused, fighting back tears.

"Alex? Is that you?"

"Olivia, I'm so sorry, I know it's been a long time, I didn't mean to avoid your calls, and I know I don't deserve your help, but you're the only one I could call…" Alex knew Olivia was able to tell she was crying.

"Alex, sweetie, it's okay, don't worry about that right now. Just tell me what happened." she soothed.

"Liv… I was raped. Robert… he raped me." Her voice felt like it was coming from someone else. This wasn't happening to her.

Olivia paused. "Alex, where are you? Are you at home?"

She swallowed. "Yes."

"Did this just happen? Is he gone?"

"Yeah, he's gone."

"I'll be right over, okay? Can you text me the address and let me in?"

"The door's unlocked. I'll call down and tell the doorman to let you up. He won't be home for a few hours, at least."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit. **

**Enjoy, and please review!**

Alex hadn't moved when she heard the front door open fifteen minutes later. She tensed up, then relaxed when she realised it wasn't Robert's heavy footsteps she heard but Olivia's boots.

"Alex?" Olivia called out from the entrance.

"Back here," Alex choked out. "At the end of the hall."

Olivia knocked on the partially opened door gently before pushing it open. Alex was curled up in a ball on the right side of the bed, and she had folded the duvet on top of her so only the top of her head was visible. She surveyed the room, noticing the book on the nightstand and the women's bathrobe still hanging over the heater.

"Alex?" Olivia whispered her name, squatting down next to the nightstand, in front of the place where Alex's face was hidden under the covers.

Alex pulled the duvet down slightly to reveal her tear-stained face, and looked up at Olivia. She was wearing a low-cut black dress and boots, clearly dressed for a night on the town rather than work.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry, I know I have no right to expect you to cancel your plans and come help me, but I didn't know who else to call. Can you just get me to the hospital for the rape kit and then you can go back to your plans, I promise." Alex rambled, not knowing quite what to say to her former friend.

"Shh, Alex, it's okay. Plans are canceled, and I came straight here. Of course I'm not going to leave you alone in this. Can you tell me when Robert will be home? Do we have to worry about him coming back soon?"

Alex shook her head. "No, he left a few minutes before I called you and went downtown for a dinner with some of his clients. He wasn't planning on coming back until late, he said." She swallowed. "Liv, he…" she paused, unsure of what to say next. "I don't think he realizes he raped me. I think he really thought I wanted it. He said to expect more when he came back…" Alex trailed off.

Olivia looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Sweetie," she soothed, "Isn't that what they always say?"

Alex nodded and looked away, feeling the shame creep up her neck and her cheeks.

Olivia put her hand on the nightstand to steady herself. "Now, let's get you into some pyjamas so we can get you to the hospital, and pack some comfortable things to bring to my apartment when you get out. Can you tell me where I can find something for you to wear?" She pushed herself up.

"If you get me some pyjamas to wear I can pack a few things." Alex looked up at Olivia, who was moving towards the dresser, took a deep breath, and tried to put on the ice princess façade that served her well in court. She needed to focus on getting out of the apartment and through the grueling and humiliating physical exam she knew was coming. "Can you grab a pair of sweatpants and a tee-shirt from the second drawer? And there should be underwear in the top drawer."

Olivia opened the top drawer first and tried to locate a pair of practical panties visually before sticking her hands in to move things around. "Alex, do you have anything, uh, comfortable in here?"

Alex turned red again, despite her best efforts. "Uh, probably in the back and under everything else." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Robert wasn't really a fan of anything practical…" she trailed off.

Olivia pushed back a handful of lace panties and found some black cotton ones in the back corner. She did the same on the other side of the drawer, finally locating a practical cotton bra underneath a pile of fancy lace lingerie.

After pulling out a pair of Harvard Law sweatpants and a Columbia University tee shirt from the second drawer, she handed put the pile of clothes on the nightstand.

"I'll wait right outside the door while you get dressed, okay? Let me know when I can come back in."

Olivia waited outside the bedroom door, wondering how much support to give her friend. Her former friend, who hadn't even let her know when she came back from Witness Protection. After all those movie nights and after-work drinks and late nights spent consoling each other after a tough case, Olivia had found out that she was back and engaged to Robert from Casey Novak, who'd seen the news in the Society section of the New York Times.

"Liv?" Alex slipped back into using her nickname easily. "You can come back in now."

Olivia pushed open the bedroom door. The covers on the bed were pulled back, and Alex was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at her feet and trying to find the courage to stand up. She saw drops of blood on the duvet and around the top of the vibrator, which Alex had partially hidden in its folds.

Sitting down next to Alex, Olivia laid an open hand on her own thigh and studied Alex's face. She didn't want to touch her friend without permission, but thought she might need some reassurance. Alex was wearing the poker face she wore in court while she was waiting for a jury to come back, except Olivia couldn't see the twinkle she used to have in her eye. Even though she looked lost, Alex reached out and squeezed Olivia's hand, making eye contact for a fraction of a second before sighing heavily and pulling her hand away.

When Alex touched her, Olivia's mouth twisted into a half-smile that didn't reach her eyes, and raised her eyebrows questioningly when she saw the red marks on Alex's wrist. She pointed without touching. "Alex, what did he use on you?"

Her face turned red with shame as she looked back towards the vibrator in the covers. She knew Olivia had seen it when she'd come back in, but hadn't wanted to touch it and risk removing evidence.

"No, sweetie, on your wrists. I don't see anything here that he could have used, unless you already put it away. What did he use to restrain you?"

Alex swallowed as tears filled her eyes again. "His tie. He used the silk tie I gave him for his birthday, and he put it back on before he went out."

The friend in Olivia wanted to wrap her arms around Alex and reassure her, but she knew that her embrace would probably not be welcome, and she knew that they'd have to leave the apartment soon to get to the hospital and avoid Robert's return. The detective in her surveyed the room and planned how to get Alex out of that apartment fast.

"Alex, honey, let's get ready to go, okay? I'm going to call someone from CSU to come down here and take these sheets into evidence. Then I'm going to call the Captain and explain what happened so he knows we have a case and that we need to keep it discreet." Alex opened her mouth to protest, and Olivia shook her head to stop her.

"The Captain needs to know about this, and it's going to be our case anyway. I promise they'll respect your privacy, and we've all still got your back, no matter what has happened in the past. If you'd be more comfortable with me than with someone else from the squad, I can take your statement at the hospital, but I think it's better if I don't work this case so I can stay with you as your friend."

Alex nodded and Olivia continued, "Why don't you get some clothes in a bag and gather up whatever you need so we can go?"

Olivia stepped back into the hall to call a friend at CSU and give them the address. She'd have taken in the evidence herself, but knew the chain of evidence had to be respected.

Her next call was to Captain Cragen. "Cap, I got a case tonight." She paused, waiting for him to respond.

"How do we have a case? I haven't heard anything. Who's the vic?"

"Cap, it's Alex." He didn't seem to understand. "Alex Cabot was raped by her fiancé."

"She called you directly instead of calling it in?"

"She did. I'm at her apartment and we're going to leave for the hospital. I called Cohen at CSU to come and get the evidence. I told her I'd take her statement if she's more comfortable with me, but I think she's going to need a friend to hold her hand so I'd rather do that than work the case, if that's okay with you."

"Okay, that's fine. I'm going to call Munch and Fin to see if they can meet you at the hospital. If they're going to be working the case, I'd like to have them there, even if she decides to give her statement to you. And I'll call Casey as well to apprise her of the situation. She'll want to be in the loop."

"Cap, please keep this discreet. You know as well as I do this guy is all over the Society pages and has friends in high places, and all the Rape Shield laws in the world aren't going to protect her once this gets out."

"I know, Olivia. I'll do my best to keep this quiet, but you know as well as I do that it's only a matter of time."

"I know."

"Olivia, she's lucky to have you. Give her all of our love, okay? We'll get her through this."

"Thanks, Cap."

She hung up as she heard a knock on the door and looked out the peephole to see a pair of CSU techs.

"Thank you for coming so quickly," Olivia said as she opened the door to greet them. "We'd like to get out of here and get the vic-, uh, Ms. Cabot to the hospital before her fiancé comes back, so let me show you to the crime scene."

She led them back towards the bedroom and knocked lightly on the door. "Alex, CSU is here. Can we come in?"

"Yes," she answered abruptly, and when Olivia opened the door, she was at the dresser, putting clothes in an overnight bag.

Olivia sucked in a breath through her teeth as she noticed a red spot seeping through the back of Alex's sweatpants. Approaching Alex, she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Alex, honey, it looks like you're bleeding a little bit through the back of your pants. Why don't you get a pad and change into something else? CSU can take these in case they already have some fluids on them."

Alex turned red. She was still throbbing in pain everywhere, but didn't realize she had been bleeding. "Uh, thanks. I'll go take care of that in the bathroom."

"CSU is going to bag the sheets and the vibrator. Is there anything else they should take as evidence?"

"The book on the nightstand and the glass on the floor in the bathroom. I was having a glass of wine in the bathtub and he knocked it over when he pulled me out. There are cuts on my legs from some shards of the glass. The only other thing is the tie, but you'll have to get that after he comes back since he's wearing it tonight."

"Okay. Go get changed, and as soon as you're ready we can leave. And maybe grab a towel to sit on in the cab if you're in pain."

Alex nodded and went into the bathroom, careful not to go anywhere near the broken glass near the tub. After changing her clothes she put her hands on the sink and leaned forward, trying to look into her own eyes, her own soul, through the glass.

_What happened to me? _she wondered, studying the lines around her puffy red eyes,dark circles underneath from too many late nights at work trying to avoid her fiancé. _I went from fearless prosecutor with political ambitions, to crusader for justice, to back from the dead, to victim of domestic violence and rape. Alexandra Cabot, where did you go? Did you ever really come back from Witness Protection?_

When she came out to let the CSU techs in to collect the glass, she took a deep breath, and brought her overnight bag into the closet.

"Alex, you don't have to take everything now. We can come back with a team while Robert's not here and take whatever else you need, okay?"

"I know, but there are some things I don't want him to find once he knows I'm gone."

Olivia nodded, and Alex emptied the shoebox into her bag, taking her other vibrator and two more erotic novels. She doubted she'd be able to enjoy either ever again, but she'd wait until she got out on the street to throw them away in a dumpster somewhere. After wiping off her fingerprints and cleaning the vibrator with bleach to remove any DNA evidence, of course.

When she exited the closet, she grabbed the legal pad and pen she kept in the nightstand for whenever a brilliant legal argument or a poetic turn of phrase for a closing statement woke her up in the middle of the night.

_Robert —_

_I'll pick up my things this week. See you in court._

_Alex_

Alex put the note on the stripped bed, took her engagement ring off the jewelery holder on the nightstand, and carefully placed it on top of the note.

She looked at Olivia. "Is CSU done?"

Olivia nodded as the techs came out of the bathroom and said their goodbyes.

"Okay, then let's get this over with." Olivia held out her hand to take the overnight bag, and Alex grabbed her phone, attaché case and coat, locking up the penthouse on the way out. Neither woman spoke as they took the elevator down to the lobby and stepped out to hail a cab.

Olivia climbed in first, placing the towel on the seat to make Alex more comfortable, and she grimaced and let out a soft "ooh" as she sat gingerly on the cushion. She had just closed the door when another cab pulled up behind them.

"Looks like we got out just in time," Olivia murmured as a familiar face got out of the cab and entered the building. Alex turned to look, her chest tightening and tears returning to her eyes yet again.

"Shh, sweetie, it'll be okay. You're safe right now." Olivia tried to calm her down as she took the same position she had on the bed inside, her hand open on her knee. This time, Alex took her hand and squeezed tightly, holding on as hard as she could until they got to the hospital.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Thanks to the guest reviewer who pointed out that I should add trigger warnings. This is my first fanfic attempt, so I didn't realize. **

**Enjoy, and please review!**

Olivia flashed her badge at the ER intake desk and the nurse ushered Alex into an exam room right away. The room was smaller and cosier than a normal hospital room, painted in earth tones and shades of blue, with a private bathroom in the corner. Olivia had been in this room countless times with many different rape victims, holding their hands while she took their statements about their attacks and endured the brutal evidence collection process called the rape kit.

Her usual strategy was to keep the victim talking, taking their statements and asking probing questions about every detail of the attack: the sights, sounds, and smells of the rapist and the timeline and the location, focusing on the first sexual humiliation to keep the victim from fully experiencing the second at the hands of the sexual trauma doctor. But she had never been in that room with a friend.

She looked at Alex, who was sitting on the edge of the examination table, between the stirrups, her posture perfect as though she were sitting in court. She looked straight ahead, her eyes fixed on a calm looking landscape of some sand dunes and waves crashing on the beach under a sunset, but Olivia knew she wasn't really looking at the painting.

"Alex," Olivia finally interrupted the blonde's thoughts, choosing her words carefully. "In here you're in control. If there's any part of this you don't want to do, you don't have to do it. If you want to stop at any time, just tell the nurse and she'll stop right away, okay?"

Alex nodded, answering calmly. "Olivia, you don't have to tell me how important this is. I'm going to do the whole thing, from beginning to end. I have to do this. For the case. For me."

"I know, sweetie." She had expected Alex to snap at her. The calm determination almost worried her more. No anger. No passion. Just brokenness.

"Normally, I should take your statement during the exam. A lot of women find that it helps keep their minds off the kit. Is that okay with you, or would you prefer that someone else take your statement later?"

Alex studied her carefully. "I want you to take my statement. I want to involve as few people as possible in this. I can't imagine telling a man about the most degrading experience of my life, even if it is Elliot or Munch or Fin. I know they're good… I just… I can't."

"I understand. We'll start as soon as the doctor comes back, okay?"

Alex mumbled an acknowledgement and went back to feigning interest in the painting and doing everything in her power to avoid thinking about the statement she was about to give. As an officer of the court, she knew she had to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, or risk destroying her credibility and integrity. But she acknowledged the part of her - the frightened, hurt human part of her - that wanted to omit certain details that said nothing about Robert's violence and only added to the humiliation she'd feel when they would be exposed in court.

The lesbian erotica and the vibrator they already knew about, because she had instructed CSU to take them into evidence in a moment of firm resolve to do everything in her power to send the sick bastard to jail. But they didn't know that she had been masturbating, that he'd made her orgasm, that she'd never let him - or anyone - see her completely naked or go down on her before, that he'd growled with pleasure as he whispered graphic passages from her book into her ear as he thrust the vibrator into her deeper and deeper.

She wished the bruises and tearing and DNA would be enough, but she knew from all too much experience that the Special Victims Unit first had to prove that a crime had taken place. Robert would claim it was consensual. And it would have to be the details in her statement - the fact that she was physically aroused because she was touching herself, not because she 'wanted it' - that would prove his guilt to a jury.

The door opened just as Alex was hit with a new wave of courage and resolve, and the doctor, an older woman with curly white hair, held out her hand and introduced herself.

"I'm Dr. Renée Logan, and I'm going to be examining you today."

"Alexandra Cabot. Nice to meet you," she added reflexively, shaking the doctor's hand. Her reply was programmed by her impeccable manners, but the irony did not escape her.

The doctor's lips twitched, but she refrained from commenting that she knew that it was anything but nice to meet her. She'd rarely seen a rape victim as composed and polite as Ms. Cabot.

"I see you've met Detective Benson, who is here to collect the evidence and take your statement. She has worked with many survivors of sexual assault and rape, and she'll talk you through the whole process…"

Alex held up her hand to stop the doctor's speech. "Actually, Detective Benson and I used to work together. I work in the District Attorney's office and I was the ADA assigned to her unit for several years. She'll take my statement, but she's here as a friend."

The doctor nodded. "I take it you're familiar with the rape kit procedure, then?"

Alex hesitated. "I… uh… not exactly. I mean, I've used evidence from rape kits in trial, but I've never been present for an exam and have never had the pleasure myself, so…" her voice trailed off.

"I see. I'm sorry you have to see this side of it. I'm going to talk you through the whole thing, and I'll tell you everything I'm going to do before I do it. If there's anything you don't want me to do, you don't have to do it. You're in control here, okay?" Dr. Logan looked at her patient with kind eyes, reassuring her and soliciting permission.

Alex met her gaze and nodded. "Okay. I know there's no case without this evidence."

Somehow, knowing that she was "in control" and explicitly authorized the kind doctor to inspect, poke, and prod the most intimate parts of her body didn't reassure her. She could stop at any time, at the expense of the case. She couldn't help but feel like the whole exam was coerced in the name of justice. Rape by physical force first, then rape by blackmail.

"Alright, the sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be done. I've laid out a large piece of paper on the floor behind the screen, and the first thing I need you to is to stand over there, take off all of your clothes, and put on the gown. Are these the clothes you were wearing when you were attacked?"

Alex stepped over to the paper and started slipping out of her clothing, hating that she already felt exposed and violated just by the other women's presence in the room.

"No. I was in the bathtub in my home when I was attacked. After the attack, I put on some comfortable clothing to wear to the hospital. I didn't realize I was bleeding, so I took off those clothes and gave them to CSU along with the sheets and other evidence they took from the apartment. I put a sanitary napkin in a new pair of panties and changed into a new pair of pants."

Olivia took notes even though she already knew the details, while Alex finished disrobing and wrapped the paper thin translucent gown around her tight. She bowed her head down and folded her arms across her chest as she went back to the exam table, dreading what was coming. She perched on the end of the table, forcing her legs together and eyeing the stirrups suspiciously.

The doctor noticed her apprehension and looked at her with a kind smile. "I'm sorry, Ms. Cabot, but I need you to put your feet up and scoot to the edge of the table for me. The next step will be for me to examine your body for fibers. I'm going to just take a quick look everywhere to see what we've got. I'll tell you before I touch you, and when I do, I'll be firm, but I won't hurt you."

Alex opened her mouth to acquiesce, but only a whimper came out. She nodded as her eyes filled with tears.

Olivia scooted her chair closer to the table and held up her hand. "Hold my hand, Lex, okay sweetie? Look at me, and try not to think about what she's doing. I need you to breathe and answer some questions for me, okay?"

Alex let out a long, audible breath through her mouth as she leaned against the table and lifted one leg, then the other into the stirrups, cringing and turning red at the exposure. _She sees this all the time,_ she tried to tell herself, like she did every other year when she forced herself to go for a pap smear. At least the pap smear was always over in a few minutes.

"You're doing great, Lex," Olivia encouraged. Alex took her hand and held it tight, turning her head to look at her friend and willing herself not to feel the doctor lifting up the gown to uncover her.

"Ms. Cabot, it looks like you have some vaginal bleeding. Are you menstruating?" The doctor looked up at her, concerned.

"No."

"Okay, then I think you may have a tear or laceration. Usually this part comes later, but I'm going to take two cotton swabs, swipe them inside, and then I'm going to clean up some of this blood to see if I need to give you any stitches."

Alex flinched as she felt the cotton swabs and squeezed Olivia's hand when the doctor's firm fingers cleaned the blood off her with gauze. She bit her lip and took a sharp breath through her teeth, pushing down on the stirrups when the doctor poured the cool hydrogen peroxide on her, stinging open wounds before sliding in a speculum to check for damages.

"Ms. Cabot, it looks like you'll need a few stitches, so I'm going to get you some numbing spray. It should take about 5 minutes to work, and then I'm going to stitch you up. I think you'll only need 4 or 5, but I can't be sure yet." Dr. Logan pulled a rolling set of drawers towards her and pulled out some supplies. "This is going to be a bit uncomfortable, and you'll feel some cold."

"I didn't realize this could possibly get any more uncomfortable," Alex retorted bitterly, looking away from Olivia and turning her head towards the wall.

Olivia put down her pen and paper and stood next to Alex, taking the woman's other hand and squeezing both. "Lex, look at me, sweetie." She waited for tear-filled blue eyes to meet hers.

"Lex, you're doing great. I know this is uncomfortable, and embarrassing, and painful, but it'll be over soon, I promise."

Alex nodded, holding on tight. "Son of a bitch!" She cried as she felt the needle inside of her. The numbing spray clearly had only succeeded in freezing her from the inside out, but not at actually numbing the pain of the stitches. She felt everything, letting out eight little yelps as she clutched Olivia's hands and resolved into sobs again.

"Shh, sweetie, it's alright," Olivia soothed. She reached over to grab a tissue off the side table, handing it to Alex, who wiped her eyes and blew her nose. "I got you. It's going to be okay. We'll be done soon. You'll be okay." She stopped herself before she reached up to brush Alex's hair away from her face and tuck it behind her ear.

Dr. Logan looked up. "Ms. Cabot, you've got a 4 centimeter tear, so I had to do 8 stitches. I'm sorry the numbing spray didn't seem to work very well, but it's a difficult area to stitch properly. I'm going to cover it with some antibacterial ointment, and I'll give you a small tube to take home as well. You'll have to apply it twice a day for the next 7 days. The stitches will dissolve on their own, so you don't have to come back in to get them taken out. Avoid tampons and penetration for at least the next 2 weeks to avoid reinjuring the area."

"I don't think I'll be experiencing any penetration for a while yet, being that I was just raped and all."

"I understand. I just wanted you to be aware of the risks."

The doctor asked a relieved Alex to remove her feet from the stirrups and turn over. Examining her backside, the doctor placed 5 quick stitches in a whimpering Alex before continuing the rape kit.

When the doctor finished stitching, Olivia took back her right hand and sat down with her pad of paper to ask questions as the evidence collection proceeded.

"Okay, now that the worst part is over, let's get your statement down, okay? Can you tell me what happened?"

Alex took a deep breath and focused on the painting, determined to compose her statement like an opening argument and maintain emotional distance. "I usually leave work around 9:30 or 10, but Robert called me today to remind me that he had a dinner with some business partners downtown at 8:30 and that he wouldn't be home before midnight. I decided to take off early to relax at home after a long day."

"Did you tell him you were going to go home early?"

"No, I decided to leave after I spoke to him on the phone. I must have left the office just after 7, and got home around 7:15 or so. I poured myself a glass of wine, started a bath, lit some candles, turned on some music, just to relax. I got a book and uh, a vibrator from my closet."

She took a few shallow breaths and pinched the bridge of her nose. "After I was in the bath for a while, I started touching myself. I don't know how long… I had finished my glass of wine… I didn't hear him come in… he was watching me, standing in the door. He said, 'That's so hot' and pulled me out of the tub. The wine glass fell to the floor, and I got all these little cuts on my legs. He dragged me to the bed and got on top of me, and tied my wrists to the headboard with his tie. I told him multiple times to stop it, to let me put on my robe, that I wasn't in the mood, that I didn't want to have sex with him, that I used to prosecute sex crimes… I told him no as many different ways as I could come up with. He kept talking about 'making love' and 'trying new things.' I told him it wasn't 'making love' if he was forcing me."

"I kicked and struggled but I couldn't get away. He got down between my legs, and he…" she took her hand away from the doctor, who was scraping under her fingernails and cutting them short, covered her face, and cried.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit. Enjoy, and please review!**

Olivia sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing her thumb over Alex's knuckles and studying her as she waited for her tears to slow down.

"Alex, I promise you we're almost done, but I need you to tell me what he did. Now, take a deep breath for me. Breathe in and count to 5, then breathe out and count to 5. In, 2, 3, 4, 5, and out, 2, 3, 4, 5." She coached her breathing a few times and handed her the tissue box again.

Alex took a tissue and wiped her tears, using it as a shield so she could look away as she described the attack.

"First, he put his mouth on me and his fingers inside of me. I never… I always refused to let him do that to me before. And he used the vibrator." Alex turned to face the wall, covering her eyes with a crumpled up tissue. "When he, uh, thought I was about to, uh, orgasm," she cringed as she said it, turning red and feeling the tears well up in her eyes again, "he started penetrating me, hard. He used a lot of force; it hurt a lot. He kept using the vibrator, until I orgasmed, and then he turned it off but kept thrusting into me and it got really painful."

"When he, uh, finished, he laid on top of me for a while and told me how good it was, how we'd have to do all of those things again, and that he had lots more planned for me for when he got back from his dinner. He didn't even notice or care that I was crying and shaking."

"He told me he wanted to get me aroused again before he went out to dinner so I'd be ready for him when he got back. He pulled out the book I had been reading and started reading from it. He thought it was a romance novel, which he thought was trashy enough, and he got really angry when he realized what it was."

"Alex, what was the book?"

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Erotica." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Lesbian erotica. It was a sex scene between two women."

If Olivia was surprised by the revelation, she didn't show it. "And he got angry? What happened next?"

"He started insulting me for 'reading dyke porn' and for pleasuring myself without him, implying that people at the DA's office would find out and I'd never be elected… Liv, I'm not gay!"

"Lex, sweetie, nobody's going to accuse you of being gay just because you read some book."

"That's what I told him. I said I hadn't had any intention of anyone ever finding out, including him, and that what I read in the privacy of my own home is none of anybody's business."

"What happened next?"

"That's when he took the vibrator and turned it on high, and thrust it into me."

"Into your anus?"

Alex turned a deep crimson. "Not at first. A few times into my vagina, then he turned me over and put it… in there. I don't know how many times. It hurt so bad. And the whole time, all I could think about was that at least there'd be physical evidence that he'd hurt me so it wouldn't just be my word against his."

"Spoken like a true prosecutor. Lex, we're going to nail him for what he did to you."

"He's going to claim that it was consensual, rough sex. As if I'd ever…" she trailed off, closing her mouth.

"Alex, was this the first time he's forced you?" Olivia studied her friend's reaction carefully, noting the sharp breath and downcast eyes.

"It's the first time he's been violent," she practically choked on the words. She'd fought tooth and nail to win impossible cases for years. She was the first one to get spousal rape past a grand jury in the state of New York. She burned with shame. "He… wanted it a lot more than I did. And at some point, it just became easier to give him what he wanted than to deal with him begging and whining when he didn't get it."

"Lex, fiancé or not, he doesn't have the right to coerce you to have sex with him. But you're telling me that aside from pressuring you for sex, he's never been violent, or hit you, or used force on you before? Has he ever been verbally abusive?"

"No, he's never been verbally or physically abusive before. And it's not exactly like he forced me before. He would just hound me and grope me until he got what he wanted. What was I supposed to do, file a restraining order? Ah yes, Judge Petrovsky, my extremely handsome and successful fiancé won't stop touching me. I'd like to file a complaint."

"Lex, you have a right to have your boundaries respected."

"Robert is just someone who is used to always getting what he wants."

The conversation was interrupted when the doctor warned Alex that she needed to pull twenty hairs from her head and ten from her pubic area, and Alex closed her eyes and gritted her teeth as she squeezed Olivia's hand.

"The last steps are to take a blood and urine sample. I'll have a phlebotomist come to draw two vials of blood. I'd do it, but I think you'll find that she'll be much more gentle and will probably leave a smaller bruise." Dr. Logan smiled at her, and Alex nodded. "Then we'll be done, and you can take a shower if you like."

The doctor stepped out of the room to go call the phlebotomist, and Olivia handed Alex the legal pad where she had taken all of her notes.

"I just have one more question for you. Since it's still technically your residence, we won't need a search warrant to look for the tie. But can you tell me what it looks like?"

"It's navy blue with light blue anchors on it. Ralph Lauren."

Olivia made a note on the page. "Okay, is there anything else to add to your statement before I give this to Munch and Fin?"

Alex looked over the pages filled with her friend's handwriting describing the intimate details of her attack. She took the pen, signing her name to the bottom of each page, the date, and time, and handed it back to Olivia.

"Everyone's going to know."

Olivia shook her head. "We're going to be as discrete as possible, you know that. Right now, nobody outside of the team knows anything, and we plan to keep it that way. You know that we protect our own, Alex. You're family. And we're going to help you get through this."

Alex forced a smile. "Thanks, Liv."

The phlebotomist arrived with Dr. Logan, and Alex eyed the young woman up and down. She barely looked old enough to have graduated high school.

"Do all of the grownups have the night off?" Alex barely tried disguising the distrust in her voice. "I really don't want to be a pincushion tonight too, so could you please get someone with a little experience to draw my blood?"

The young phlebotomist smiled at her. "Don't worry, Ms. Cabot, I'm older than I look, and I'm good at my job. I promise you'll hardly feel a thing."

Alex softened. "I'm sorry, that was rude of me. It's just been a long night."

"I understand. I'll try to make this as painless as possible, I promise. Can you give me your arm, please?"

"Lex, will you be okay for a few minutes? I'm going to run out and talk to Munch and Fin real quick, and give them your statement so they can go home."

Alex looked hesitant. "Actually, I really hate needles. Would you mind holding my hand for this before you go? I promise I won't make you stay for the urine sample." She cracked a smile.

"Sure, sweetie." Olivia took Alex's hand and Alex looked away and scrunched up her nose, bracing for the pinch in her arm that never came.

"Okay, you're all set."

"Already? I didn't even feel anything."

"Already. I told you I was good at my job."

"Listen, I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. I'm calling you every time I need blood drawn from now on."

"I've heard a lot worse. Don't worry about it." She looked at Olivia and then back at Alex, lowering her voice. "I've been in your shoes, and I know it's rough. But Detective Benson is the best there is. I known she'll get him." She squeezed Alex's hand.

"Thank you," Alex said softly.

"You're welcome," she replied. "Detective Benson, always a pleasure to see you again." She smiled over her shoulder and closed the door.

"Now I really feel like an ass."

"Lex, don't worry about it. Amelia's been called a lot worse, and I know for a fact she doesn't hold it against you - or against anyone. She's often here on weekend nights when I come in. And I always have her draw my blood. I hate needles too, and she really is the best."

"Was she…?"

"Raped? Yeah. Her ex-boyfriend. Casey prosecuted the case just after the Connors trial."

Dr. Logan picked up the plastic cup and handed it to Alex. "This is the last step. Other than that, I'm going to recommend that you take two ibuprofen every 4 hours for the pain caused by your stitches. It should help the inflammation and take the endue off a bit. Don't do anything too strenuous for at least a week while you're waiting for them to heal. You can go to your regular OB/GYN in two or three weeks to get cleared for exercise. Now, there's a shower in that bathroom there, and you're welcome to take one here while you're waiting for your blood and urine tests to come back. Or you can get out of here, take a shower at home, and I'll call you personally with the results in the morning. It's up to you."

"Thank you, doctor. I think I'd like to get out of here, if that's alright. No offense, Dr. Logan, but I hate hospitals, and I want to get out as soon as possible."

Olivia nodded. "Okay, then that's what we'll do. Go pee, rinse off quickly if you like, and get some clothes out of your bag. I'm going to go right outside to talk to Munch and Fin. Should I tell them to go away, or is it okay if they say hello before we leave?"

"I don't think I'm up for seeing anyone just yet, but please tell them I appreciate them coming."

"I will. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Olivia closed the door behind her and walked a few steps to the waiting area, and Fin, Munch, and Casey stood up to greet her. None of them so much as cracked a smile.

"How's she holding up?" Casey finally asked.

"She's doing about as well as can be expected. I have her statement here for you to read. It was pretty brutal. She needed stitches." Olivia explained, holding the notepad out for Casey to take and giving the rape kit to Munch.

She glanced over it and grimaced. "I knew I hated that guy. He's come into the office a few times and there was just always something _off _about him. I wondered what she saw in him, but it wasn't my place…"

"Not to worry, Case, we'll kick his ass," Fin commented. "Can we see her or is she not up for that?"

"She told me to say thanks for being here, but she's not ready to see anyone quite yet. But she knows you're all here for her, and she appreciates that."

"You remind her she's part of the family?" Munch asked.

"I did. I already told her Robert's ass would be thoroughly kicked." Olivia smiled.

"Good." Fin took the statement from Casey. "We'll bring this back to the precinct and work on it in the morning. We'll call if we have any questions."

"Thanks," Olivia replied. "I told Cragen that I'm not working the case and that I'm going to be there for Alex as her friend for the next few days. I'm not sure what she'll want to do, but for now, she's coming home with me."

"Liv, I haven't called anyone else at the DA's office since I talked to Cragen, but I think Liz Donnelly won't take too kindly to being kept out of the loop. Alex should call her in the morning, but if she wants me to talk to her, I can."

"Thanks, Case, I'll talk to her and let you know what she wants to do."

"You're a good friend, Liv, canceling an important date to help out someone who couldn't even give you the time of day when she came back to New York." Fin said. "I'm not sure I would have done the same thing."

"What else was I going to do? She needed someone here with her. Of course I came." Olivia was surprised at the comment. She never would have considered not being there for a friend in need. Even if said friend had disappeared from her life for three years and then not bothered to return her phone calls.

"And that's why they call you Saint Olivia. Good night, Liv, take care of our girl." Munch patted her back and smiled.

"Thanks for everything, guys. Casey, I'll call you in the morning… Actually, Case, you wouldn't happen to have your car, would you? Would you mind giving us a ride back to my place if Alex says it's okay?"

"Of course. It's no problem. Check with her and I'll wait here. But if she'd prefer the anonymity of a cab, I understand."

Olivia turned around to see the door partially open and found Alex inside, dressed and sitting on the table, lost in thought.

"Alex, I think we can go if you're ready. I'll get a nurse and a wheelchair, okay?" Alex nodded. "Casey offered to drive us back to my apartment. Is that okay, or would you prefer to take a cab?"

"That's fine."

Olivia stepped outside, nodding to Casey before approaching the nurse's stand. "I'm here to get Alexandra Cabot discharged," she told the woman who appeared to be in charge.

The nurse brought the discharge papers and a wheelchair, and the women were silent as Olivia and Casey helped load Alex into the car. Alex stared out the car window without speaking for the entire ride back to Olivia's apartment. When they pulled up in front of the building, Olivia jumped out of the back and opened Alex's door, taking her bag and helping her steady herself. She sucked in air through her teeth as she shifted her weight in the seat, obviously still in pain.

"Do you need help, getting her up, Liv?" Casey asked, wondering where she would park if her friend said yes.

"I've got her. There's an elevator in the building, so we'll be okay, I think. Thank you."

"Alex, do you want me to call Liz Donnelly in the morning, or do you want to call her? It's up to you, but I think she should know."

"I can call her. She should hear this from me. Thank you, Casey."

"Alex, Liv, anything you need, you let me know, okay? I'm around this weekend, and you've got my support."

"I appreciate it, really. But right now I _really_ want to go upstairs and shower." Alex smiled half-heartedly. "Good night, Casey."

"Good night."

Alex shut the door and leaned on Olivia, who helped her limp towards the elevator.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit. Enjoy, and please review!**

When they got upstairs, Olivia unlocked the door and led Alex straight into the bathroom, where she handed her a fresh set of towels and pulled a bottle of ibuprofen out of the medicine cabinet. She filled a dixie cup with water and held out two pills, which Alex promptly took.

"Help yourself to anything, okay? Let me know if there's anything you need. Would you like a cup of tea before you go to sleep?"

Alex nodded, still looking dazed. "I'd like that. I'm not sure I'm going to sleep much. Thanks, Liv. For everything."

"You're welcome. And I mean it. Let me know if you need anything. I'll get the bed ready for you and make some tea for when you get out."

Olivia heard the shower turn on and went into her bedroom, where she pulled some pyjama pants, a teeshirt, and some less sexy panties out of her top drawer. She sighed. The night definitely hadn't gone as she had planned. She immediately felt a pang of guilt.

_Way to go, Benson. Your friend gets raped and you're thinking about how you didn't get to put those black lace panties to good use. _

She put on her pyjamas and threw the dress and panties into the hamper, then got some blankets and a real pillow for the couch. She'd sleep in the living room and let Alex have some privacy, and sleep late if she wanted. It was already after 3 in the morning, and since neither of them had to work the next day, Olivia wanted to be sure that she wouldn't disturb Alex if she woke up first in the morning.

Olivia turned down the sheets and tidied up her nightstand and dresser. For once, she was thankful that her room hadn't seen any action recently. The only thing that might be considered romantic was the almond scented candle on the nightstand, but the sheets were clean and all of her personal items were tucked away in the back of her underwear drawer. Once she was sure everything potentially incriminating was out of sight, she put Alex's bag on a chair in the corner, closed her gun and her badge in the lockbox in her closet, and went into the kitchen to boil water for tea.

Alex undressed herself slowly, trying not to move her legs. The little she had walked from the examination table to the car, and then from Casey's car to the bathroom had been excruciatingly painful that she waddled instead to avoid stretching her stitches. She could only hope that the ibuprofen would at least take the edge off, but it hadn't had time to kick in yet.

She looked into the full length mirror hanging on the linen closet and touched her fingers to the fat lip he'd given her when he'd slapped her, and traced her fingers around the sensitive spot on her jaw that was starting to turn pale blue. She rubbed the ligature marks on her wrists, the skin red from being chafed, with bruising underneath. Touched the marks that was forming where he'd squeezed her breast too hard. And she slid her hand down between her thighs, wincing as she spread her legs slightly apart to see the big bruises where he'd kneeled on her and forced her legs apart.

_So this is what it looks like to be a victim._

Alex couldn't count the number of times she'd studied photos of victims' injuries, presenting them in court as evidence and forcing the victim to identify and explain each and every scratch and bruise to the jury to prove the attack had been violent and the advance unwanted. Dr. Logan had taken pictures of her own body during the rape kit, documenting everything in case her own attacker ever made it to trial.

_Victim. Rape victim_. She contemplated the words as she looked at her reflection in the mirror, trying to recognize the person looking back at her. Even when she'd been in Witness Protection, even when her lover had to call out another name in bed, even when she'd been moved three times and wasn't even sure who she was anymore, she'd always known who was looking back at her. Now, the eyes looking back at her seemed to look right past her.

_This is what happens when you die and come back to life to fulfil your Cabot duty of marrying some Wall Street schmuck and making perfect babies._

She put her hands on the sink and dry heaved.

When she could finally lift her head up without wanting to vomit, she turned on the hot water and eased herself into the tub. The water scalded her skin and overrode the dull pain she felt all over. She poured some intimate cleanser into her hand and tried to wash away the sticky semen she could still feel between her legs. He hadn't used a condom, even though she'd gone off the pill while waiting to get an IUD put in.

Robert's mother had started talking about babies and her ticking biological clock since they'd gotten engaged, and Robert had been eager for his future wife to give up putting away scumbags in favor of being barefoot and pregnant in their penthouse kitchen. She'd made it abundantly clear that she had no intention of sacrificing her career for motherhood when she'd already lost too many years of her life outside of a courtroom, and made the appointment for the IUD without telling him. Her erratic schedule had made taking the pill at the same time every day a challenge. And if she had an IUD she wouldn't _technically_ be lying when she assured Robert she'd gone off the pill like he'd asked.

_Oh god, I could be pregnant. No. Impossible. I just had my period, so I couldn't be pregnant. _She exhaled, relieved. It had been lighter than usual, and come a few days early, but she figured it was just a side effect of coming off the pill.

She cleaned herself over and over until the water got cold, and despite her best efforts, she couldn't seem to shake the dirty feeling. She leaned against the shower wall and started to slide down to the floor, but the excruciating pain stopped her, and she put her forehead to the wall instead.

_I was raped tonight. I guess I'm not so tough after all._

She didn't know how long she'd been standing there when she heard a knock on the door.

"Alex?"

She opened her mouth to answer, but a quiet sob came out instead.

Olivia knocked again. "Alex, sweetie, I have your tea ready." She paused. "I know my hot water doesn't last that long, so why don't you come out, have some tea, and you can have another shower in the morning, okay?"

There was no movement on the other side of the door.

"Lex, sweetie, I'm going to come in, but I'm not going to look, okay?" Olivia waited a few seconds to give her friend a chance to answer before opening the bathroom door. Alex was standing under the freezing water, leaning against the wall, her arms wrapped around herself as she shivered and sobbed. Olivia knew she had promised she wouldn't look, so she turned her head sideways and spoke softly.

"Lex, I'm going to turn off the water, okay?" The blonde flinched as Olivia moved slowly and deliberately, opening the shower door to turn off the faucet. Olivia took the towel off the hanger and held it out for Alex to take. She kept her eyes focused on the wall, but Alex cried harder and started shaking against the wall. Opening the towel and holding it in both hands, Olivia held it up to shield her friend's body from view, and turned to look at her face.

"Lex, honey, I don't want to scare you and I'm not going to touch you without your permission. If it's okay with you I'm going to climb in, wrap this towel around you, and then help you climb out of the shower. Is that okay?"

Alex nodded her head slightly. Without shifting her gaze, Olivia stepped into the bathtub and held the towel close to Alex's body. "Arms up, sweetie." Olivia didn't want to risk further traumatising her friend by swaddling her arms inside the towel and restraining her. "I'm just going to wrap this around you, but I'm not looking and I'm not going to touch you unless you say it's okay." She finished wrapping her and Alex put her arms down to hold the towel into place.

Olivia stepped out of the tub and held out a hand for Alex to take and another to spot her, and Alex winced again and hissed in pain as she lifted her leg to step out onto the bath mat.

"I got you, I got you," Olivia soothed. She pointed to a pile of clothes next to the sink. "I brought your pyjamas so you can get dressed in here. I'm going to get our tea and bring it to the couch. And I'll make you some toast. I thought you might not have gotten the chance to eat anything, but you should have something light if you're feeling nauseous."

Alex raised an eyebrow, still unable to speak without feeling like she'd collapse into tears.

"Hey, I didn't make detective for nothing, you know. Is toast good, or do you want anything else? I have some yogurt, I can make you a sandwich, or there's some leftover Chinese in my fridge."

"Toast is good," Alex croaked. Olivia nodded and went off to the kitchen.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit. Enjoy, and please review! I won't hold the story hostage for comments, but I would like to know what you think. :-)**

Alex took her cup of tea and nibbled on some toast that Olivia had given her without saying a word. Olivia seemed to know that she didn't want to talk anymore about what had happened, that she needed time to process, and that she was embarrassed about having broken down so many times in front of her friend.

Olivia had seen her emotional before, after Sam Cavanaugh, after Cheryl Avery, after Livia Sandoval's case was dropped so the Feds could wage the drug war. They'd had drinks together and talked about justice and how they couldn't make things right no matter how hard they tried. But it had never been this personal. Olivia had never seen her completely lose control. Even when she went into Witness Protection and said goodbye to Olivia and Elliot, she'd shed a few tears but avoided breaking down until she'd arrived in the Marshalls' safe house, locked in and all alone with no identity.

Olivia curled up at one end of the couch, leaning on the armrest with her mug. She watched Alex out of the corner of her eye for a sign that she wanted to say something, that she wanted to talk, anything, and tried to think of something she could say that wouldn't sound trite. Despite many years of training and lots of experience with victims, she'd never had one stay in her apartment after an attack before. She could listen while she took their statements and help them through trial, but the rest was all new.

She watched Alex try to tuck her legs up on the couch, then wince at the pain, so she took a throw pillow and handed it to her, then put another one on her lap. "Lean against the armrest and put your feet up here," she offered, patting the pillow. It'll be more comfortable." Alex nodded and complied, lifting her legs up together and pivoting. But she turned the opposite way, opting to lean her head on Olivia's lap instead.

Neither woman spoke for several minutes.

"I'm sorry I ruined your date," Alex finally said.

"It's no big deal," Olivia replied.

"Fin said it was an important one."

"You heard that? Nothing's more important than helping a friend in need."

"I also saw the dress you were wearing."

"We went to a nice restaurant."

"Oh. How long have you been going out?"

"We went out for three months. That's like dating for 3 years in normal people dating time."

"You *went* out?" Of course Alex would pick up on the subtle use of the past tense. Lawyered.

"Yeah," Olivia sighed. "We broke it off."

"You were all dressed up like that to end a relationship?"

"Not exactly." Olivia really didn't want to get into the hows and whys of her failed date.

"Then what?" The realization slowly dawned on her. "Did you break up because you came to the hospital with me?"

"Sort of. We were in a cab on the way back from dinner when you called. I told her that I had to go and she was really upset and wanted me to stay. It's not the first time I've been called out when I've been on a date with her, and we had an argument. I said that it was really important for me to be there for you and that I get called out a lot, even if I'm not on call and there's a big case. She didn't like my answer, so I told her that it probably wouldn't work between us."

"Liv, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have called if I'd known you were on a date."

"Nonsense. I told Fin and I'm telling you: you need me, I'm there. It's not just because it's my job, it's because you're my friend. If you and I were out to dinner and Casey or Rossi or Maureen Stabler was attacked, or in the hospital, or in trouble, would you even think about giving me a hard time when I left? Or if it was any case at all?"

"No, of course not."

"That's my point. Tonight's date was supposed to be special, but I can't be with someone who doesn't understand that helping people and taking care of my family are my first priorities."

"Thanks, Liv. And I'm really sorry."

"Me too."

Alex was quiet for a minute. "You were going to sleep with her tonight, weren't you?"

Olivia turned red and looked away. As much as she and Alex used to commiserate about tough cases over drinks, they'd never really talked about their sex lives before. And while Alex knew that Olivia sometimes dated women, she didn't usually bring up her female companions in conversation. She'd slipped up by admitting that her date was a she. Alex didn't seem bothered by the admission, but she also didn't find it totally appropriate to talk about her plans for getting laid with someone who had just been raped.

"Yeah, I was." She paused. "But I'm glad you called when you did. I would have been in a lot more trouble if I'd have left right after and skipped the cuddling."

Alex snorted. "I suppose that's true. First time?"

Olivia nodded. "It was going to be her first time with a woman, and I haven't been intimate with anyone since… well, in a while, so we decided to take it slow." Olivia didn't think Alex would have heard what had happened to her in the women's prison, especially since she had asked Casey to keep it quiet. It wouldn't be fair to dump that on her now.

"Don't tell me you've lost your touch, Detective?" Alex smiled at her.

"Hardly," Olivia replied, choosing her next words carefully. "I'm just not really sure what I want right now. I'm getting a little tired of all the games."

That part was true, at least. It wasn't so much that she'd had a dry spell in the nine months since Sealview. She'd had plenty of dates. She just had nightmares more often than not, and didn't want to spend the night anywhere with someone who wouldn't understand. And the thought of having sex still made her nervous, since she wasn't sure how she'd react. If she was totally honest with herself, she wasn't entirely sure she would have been ready tonight, since they hadn't gone beyond kissing and some groping. She had been banking on the fact that Jenna wouldn't reciprocate on their first night together.

Alex nodded and sighed. "I was looking forward to being done with all that."

"It's rough out there. It'll probably be a while before you're ready to start dating again." Olivia paused before she asked the next question. The last thing she wanted was for Alex to feel like she was being interrogated, or worse, somehow responsible for her attack. "Alex, if it's too personal, you don't have to answer, but why Robert?"

"You mean how did I end up engaged to a rapist?" Alex certainly cut right to the chase.

"Lex, no. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant the Alex Cabot I know wouldn't have given a guy like Robert a chance. She wouldn't have been impressed by the money and the penthouse and the political connections, she would have cared about his heart. And I don't really know the guy, but based on the gossip I've heard and facts recently entered into evidence, it doesn't seem to me like Robert has much of one." She paused, trying to read Alex's face to make sure she didn't go too far. Alex hadn't reacted yet, but looked serious. She'd save the joke about Alex's lack of judgment re: Trevor Langan for later. "Why were you settling for him?"

Alex turned on her side, regretting her decision to sit so close to her friend. There was no hiding the emotion on her face. She opened her mouth to explain her return, the betrayal everyone had felt when they realized she had lied to them about being dead, the complicated paperwork associated with being alive and reclaiming her job and her law career, the pressure to start a family at her father's society dinners, the fear that life in New York had gone on without her and that she'd always wake up alone.

"Olivia, Alexandra Cabot is dead. She died on that sidewalk in front of O'Malley's in 2003."

Olivia studied her friend's face, reading the pain in her eyes, and decided not to ask any more hard questions tonight. It was after 4, their tea was long gone, and Alex was going to need some sleep if she was going to recover from her injuries.

She reached out and took Alex's hand, and looked down into the eyes that were clouded with tears. "Lex, starting tomorrow we're going to track her down and bring her back from the dead."


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit. **

**Enjoy, and please review! I won't hold the story hostage for comments, but I would like to know what you think. :-) Also, I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this just yet, so feel free to make suggestions.**

It was nearly 11 when Alex slipped out of Olivia's bed the next morning. As soon as she shifted, she felt a sharp pain, and memories of the previous night rushed back to her. She jumped out of the bed, and barely made it to the bathroom sink before vomiting up what remained of the tea and toast she'd had the night before.

_Fuck._ She hurt all over.

Alex brushed her teeth to get rid of the taste and splashed cold water over her face. The bruise on her jaw was already starting to turn blue. Even relieving herself hurt, and she shuddered when she thought about the 5 stitches in her anus and how painful _that_ would be later.

She finally made it out to the kitchen, where Olivia was sitting at the counter reading the New Yorker with a cup of coffee. She looked up when she heard Alex approach.

"Good morning, sunshine," Olivia said, smiling. "Take a seat. I made breakfast, I just have to warm yours up."

Alex approached the counter, hesitating at the high stools. "Hang on one second," Olivia said when she noticed her friend's hesitation. She went to the linen closet and retrieved a big, fluffy towel. "Sit on this. Can you get up okay?" Alex nodded, relieved that Olivia had anticipated her problem, and slid into the seat.

"Did you sleep okay? How do you feel this morning?"

"Okay, I guess. I'm still in a bit of pain." Alex replied, and Olivia nodded sympathetically.

"Did you take some more meds?" Olivia asked, grabbing some bowls and a package of cheese from the fridge and turning on the stove. She poured Alex a cup of coffee, cream and one sugar, and placed it in front of her on the counter.

"Not yet. I wanted to settle my stomach a bit first." She started to get up.

"Don't, I'll get them. You sit." Olivia rushed into the bathroom to grab the bottle before Alex had a chance to move.

When she returned, she poured some veggies from a bowl into a skillet and added a few eggs and some cheese. She turned on another burner where she had cooked some potato wedges to start heating them up.

Alex looked at her. "Liv, you didn't have to go through all that trouble."

"It's no trouble at all. I've been up a while." Olivia replied. "I remember when we used to go out for breakfast, you'd always order a vegetable omelette with cheddar and homefries, so if we're going to work on bring back Alex Cabot, we might as well start with what we know she likes."

"You even remember how I like my coffee after all this time."

"You can tell a lot about a person from how they like their coffee, you know." Olivia chuckled.

"Oh yeah? And what do my coffee preferences say about me?"

"Well, you like your coffee strong, but with lots of cream and some sugar. That means you're tough, and you've got an edge, but you're not overpowering. You've got a soft side, and you're secretly a little sweet."

"If that's true, don't tell the perps." Alex retorted.

"Not to worry. Your secret's safe with me." Olivia answered.

"Do you still drink your coffee black? What does that say about you?"

"Black coffee means I'm all badass, Lex." Olivia winked, and Alex almost cracked a smile.

Alex ate in silence, realizing that she was going to have to face the music sooner or later. When she finished, she asked Olivia to grab her phone out of her bag. She usually used her phone as an alarm clock and left it by her bedside, but had purposefully avoided taking it out last night. She knew there'd be at least a few missed calls from Robert.

"Shit," she said when she finally mustered up the courage to open her phone.

"What?" Olivia looked up at her.

"Robert got to my family first." There were 8 missed calls and 3 voicemails from Robert, 2 from her father, 1 from her brother, 1 from Casey, and 1 from Liz, plus a missed call and a voicemail from a number she didn't recognize.

She ignored Robert's voicemails and went straight to her father's. "_Alexandra, honey, Robert called me in the middle of the night to tell me you'd left him and he had no idea why or where you went. Please call me and tell me what happened. I'm sure the two of you can work it out."_

Alex rolled her eyes. "I can't believe this."

His tone in the next voicemail was sterner. "_Alexandra, I don't know where you are, but Robert's very worried about you. He's called me several times and can't get in touch with you. You can't just leave him in the middle of the night with no explanation. He's a good man."_

The next message was from her brother. "_Hi Lexie, it's the middle of the night and Robert just called me looking for you. Said you'd left him but said he didn't know why. Between you and me, I'm surprised it took you this long. Call me and let me know you're okay."_

_"Alex, it's Casey. I saw Liz briefly this morning at the office and told her she needed to speak to you. I didn't tell her what it's about, but you should call her. She's worried. Let me know if I can do anything for you."_

_"Alex, it's Liz. Casey told me I needed to talk to you, but wouldn't tell me why. Can you do lunch today at 1? Call me." _Alex looked at the clock. It was already 11:30.

_"Ms. Cabot, this is Dr. Logan from Mercy Hospital. I'm calling to discuss the results of your blood and urine tests. Please call me back at 212-555-5000 extension 824."_

Alex sighed. She couldn't help but feel like the doctor would have told her that her tests were fine on a message, which means she must have something to say about them. If they had been clean, there'd be nothing to discuss. And that meant the doctor would be her last phone call.

She decided to call Liz first, but she didn't really feel like going out. "Hey Liv," she asked. "Do you mind if I invite Liz over for coffee this afternoon? Casey talked to her, apparently, but didn't tell her what happened, so I need to talk to her today. She called to invite me for lunch, but I'm not sure I'm up for going out, so…"

"Of course. Until we get you settled into a new place, you're living here as far as I'm concerned. You don't have to ask to have anyone over."

"Thanks, I'll call her."

"And Lex, if you want me to make myself scarce, I can go out and do some errands while you talk to her." Alex nodded.

"Thanks." She dialed Liz's number. "Hi Liz, it's Alex."

"Well good morning, Cabot. Please don't tell me you just got out of bed? It's almost noon!"

"I had a bit of a rough night last night."

"So I've heard," Liz said. Alex froze. "I saw Casey this morning. She didn't tell me anything, but I could tell it's serious. I thought it would be better if we talked in person."

"I agree, but I'm not really up to going out for lunch, and it's almost lunchtime anyway. Would you mind coming over for coffee this afternoon?"

"Of course. At the penthouse?"

"No, actually. I stayed at Olivia Benson's apartment last night. She said she had some errands to run this afternoon, so it'll just be us. Let me give you the address. Is 2:30 okay?"

"2:30 it is. See you soon, Alex."

Alex hung up the phone and stared at it, trying to decide who to call next as she pushed the food around on her plate. The omelette was delicious, but she'd only taken a few bites before she didn't feel hungry anymore.

Olivia looked up from the dishes she was washing. "Lex, you haven't had anything but toast since yesterday afternoon. Can you try to eat a few more bites for me?" Alex nodded and picked up her fork, spinning the cell phone on the counter with her other hand.

Olivia frowned. "Do you want some privacy while you make your phone calls? Or is there anyone you want me to call for you?" she asked gently.

Alex opened her mouth to refuse, but was surprised by the words that came out. "I… could you call my brother and my father? I don't think I can talk to them yet, but I'd rather they stop talking to Robert."

Nodding, Olivia pushed a pen and paper in front of Alex for the phone numbers, and pointed to the plate, which she took and put in the sink when Alex indicated she had finished. "Do you want to take a shower, or can I help you to the couch?"

Alex hesitated. "The couch is fine. I don't think another shower will help."

"Okay," Olivia said, helping her friend off the stool and over to the couch, easing her back into the cushions to avoid causing her pain. "I'm going to go into the bedroom to get dressed and make these calls. You should call the doctor back, okay?"

Alex hadn't told her that the doctor had called, but Olivia wasn't a detective for nothing. She sat on the couch, staring at her phone, while Olivia went into the bedroom.

Olivia decided to call Alex's brother first, and when he answered, she explained briefly that Robert had attacked Alex, that she was safe, and that she needed a few days to recover without seeing anyone. William Cabot seemed horrified at the thought of that bastard hurting his sister. It seemed as though Casey wasn't the only one who'd had a bad feeling about him.

After promising to keep him updated on Alex's condition and have her call him soon, Olivia dialed the second number. She had a feeling the elder Cabot would be much harder to deal with.

"Mr. Cabot, my name is Olivia Benson, and I'm a friend of Alex's," she began when he answered the phone. He interrupted before she could continue.

"Do you know where the hell my daughter is and why she apparently walked out on her fiancé in the middle of the night? I hope she's called him. He's worried sick about her."

"Sir, Robert attacked Alex last night. She called me, and I brought her to the hospital, and got her a safe place to stay." She didn't want to give away that Alex was staying with her, in case her father took Robert's side.

"He attacked her? Why would he call me three times in the middle of the night wondering why she left if he attacked her?"

"I don't know," Olivia replied, "but she's got some bruises and some stitches. The hospital records and her statement to the police support her story. We're - the police are investigating the incident."

"He's from a good family, so I have trouble believing he would attack her. Are you sure it wasn't someone else?"

"The police will have to wait for a match on the DNA, but I've known Alex a long time, and she wouldn't lie about this."

"Are you with the police?"

"I'm a detective with the Special Victims Unit, where Alex worked before she went into Witness Protection." Olivia hoped that she wasn't giving away that Alex had been raped by identifying where she worked. "We specialise in handling cases where a certain amount of discretion is required, and since Alex is a friend and former colleague and an employee of the District Attorney's office, my squad is best prepared to handle this. I won't be working on the case, though."

Mr. Cabot seemed to consider Olivia's explanation carefully. "Well, I certainly hope you will be discreet. I have known the Sheldon family for a long time, and I have trouble believing Robert would be capable of hurting my daughter. I don't think she would lie, either, but your squad better be damn sure that this is more than just a ploy to break off the engagement before they go around accusing people like Robert Sheldon."

"I understand, and believe me, they will investigate thoroughly before making an arrest. Everyone on the team knows and cares about Alex, and the last thing any of us wants is to compromise this case." Olivia tried to hide her sigh. She couldn't believe that Mr. Cabot wouldn't automatically support his daughter.

"Can I speak to my daughter?" he asked, his tone softening.

"Actually, Mr. Cabot, she's in a bit of pain and resting right now. She asked me to call you because she isn't ready to talk to anyone yet. But I'll tell her you're thinking about her and that she should call you as soon as she's ready."

"Well, thank you for calling, Detective Benson. Please take good care of my daughter. In the mean time, I'm going to call Robert and ask him what the hell happened."

"Mr. Cabot, I'd advise you to let the police talk with Robert and to not interfere with the investigation. If you call him and sound like you're accusing him of something, he may be less inclined to cooperate. But I will take good care of Alex, and I'll see too it that she calls you soon."

"Thank you, Detective."

Olivia hung up the phone, bewildered, and went back into the living room. Alex was sitting on the couch, holding her phone in her hands, and crying.

Olivia walked over to the couch and sat down next to Alex, who didn't look up. She gently reached over and took the phone out of Alex's hands, placing it on the table, and faced Alex, opening her arms.

"Lex, sweetie, come here," she murmured, holding out her arms until Alex leaned over to let herself be held. When she leaned into Olivia's touch, her body stiffened, and her crying turned to sobbing as her body shook with sadness. Olivia held her tight, rubbing her back, and whispered soothing words in her ear. "Shh, Lex, it's okay. It's all going to be okay."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Enjoy, and please review! I won't hold the story hostage for comments, but I would like to know what you think. :-)**

Olivia held Alex, rocking her and rubbing her back, until the crying stopped and her breathing evened out. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly, wiping tears off Alex's cheek with her thumb and tucking a lock of blonde hair behind her ear.

Alex shook her head. "Not right now." Olivia nodded, and they sat in silence for a while, punctuated only by Alex blowing her nose.

"Liz is going to be here soon," Olivia said finally, looking at the clock. "Why don't you go wash up a bit, and I'll make some more coffee."

Alex nodded and leaned out of Olivia's embrace, looked down at where her head had been leaning on her chest, and grabbed a tissue. "I'm sorry, I got tears and snot all over you," she said, wiping the tissue on her shirt.

Olivia smiled at Alex and took the tissue out of her fingers. "Don't worry about it, it'll come out in the wash. I was going to change anyway. I'm going to take a run while Liz is here."

After the coffee was started and Olivia changed, she heard a knock on the door. 2:29 exactly. Liz certainly was punctual. She opened the door and ushered Liz into the living room just as Alex came out of the bathroom. Her eyes were still red and puffy from crying, but she seemed calmer, more collected, as she went over to give Liz a hug.

"Thanks for coming over," she said softly, stiffening as the older woman put her arms around her tight.

"Of course," Liz replied, pulling out of the hug. She held up a bag. "I figured these might help make it better." She pulled out a plastic box from Crumbs bakery, revealing three enormous cupcakes. "I got mint chocolate chip, peanut butter cup, and vanilla with chocolate buttercream frosting."

"You didn't have to do that," Alex said, touched by her godmother's thoughtfulness.

"Well, if you don't want them, I'm certain I could take care of them myself," she said, her eyes twinkling as she started to put the plastic container back in the bag.

"That won't be necessary," Alex said quickly, putting her hand on the woman's arm. "I wouldn't want you to have to eat all that by yourself."

Olivia saw the box and grabbed two plates, two forks, and a knife from the cupboard, which she brought in with the two cups of coffee she'd already poured, putting one in front of each woman.

"I'm going to go for a run and give you some privacy," Olivia explained in response to Liz's raised eyebrow. "But I wouldn't object if you saved me a bite of cupcake for when I come back." She grabbed her keys and her cell phone as she headed out the door. "There's more coffee in the kitchen, and feel free to help yourselves to anything you need."

Liz sat down next to Alex and cut the cupcakes into thirds, putting a piece of each on each plate and handing the plate to Alex. She studied the blonde before speaking.

"Robert called me this morning," she began. "He was looking for you and pretending to sound confused about why you left." Alex swallowed her cupcake and opened her mouth to protest, but Liz continued. "Fortunately, I had already talked to Casey. Can you tell me what happened last night?"

Alex put her plate down on the table, wiped her mouth with a napkin, and took a sip of her coffee before she looked up at Liz, who was studying her carefully. "Robert raped me last night. Violently." She held out her wrists to show the ligature marks, and pointed to the light bruise on her face. "When he left to go back out to a dinner party, I called Olivia, who took me to the hospital for a rape kit, then took my statement and gave it to Casey. Don had called her when Olivia told him what happened, and she came to the hospital and then drove us back here."

"I trust Casey to work on this and keep it discrete," Alex continued, "but I'd appreciate it if you'd help her out. I'm not technically Casey's boss, but I am her superior, so I wouldn't want there to be any allegations of impropriety against the DA's office. You know how Robert is when he thinks there's a scandal somewhere."

Liz nodded. "SVU has your full statement and evidence from the rape kit?"

"Olivia took my statement last night and handed it off to Munch and Fin. She's not going to work the case, but I trust them. CSU got the sheets and the… other evidence before we left the apartment. Rape kit will show fluids, bruises, tearing, and a total of 13 stitches."

Liz grimaced into her cupcake. "Ouch."

"Tell me about it. I'm very sore."

"I didn't want to tell you this, but I never thought he was good enough for you," Liz commented. "I know he's done well for himself, but I always thought he was far more interested in your bank account, name, and political connections than he was in you. When you announced your engagement, I thought you were settling."

"I just… I thought he was a good man. And when I came back to New York, I was just so overwhelmed trying to get my life back. I'd lost so much time, and I wanted to pick up where I'd left off."

"You can't hurry love, Alex. I've known you since you were a little girl, and you deserve the best. The last thing you should do is settle."

"I know. I've just… I've waited so long."

They sat for a while, sipping their coffee, Liz glancing sideways at her goddaughter. Alex's furrowed brow meant she was thinking.

"Is there something else?" Liz asked as Alex pushed the crumbs around on her plate.

"Maybe," Alex said tentatively. "I'm not sure. It might be impossible to prove. But if anyone could do it, you, Casey, and I could."

Liz nodded, waiting for her to continue.

"I want to test out the new statute on reproductive coercion as sexual abuse." Alex put down her plate, leaned back into the couch, and looked directly at Liz. "The doctor called this morning. The blood test from yesterday showed I'm three weeks pregnant. And the more I think about it, the more I'm sure Robert was fucking with my birth control. He wanted kids now, and kept pressuring me to go off the pill. I was planning on getting an IUD put in next month…" she paused. "I'll have to go through my calendar for the past few weeks and go through each day to be sure, but I think he was hiding my pills or flushing them to make me think I'd already taken them, or something."

"That's going to be awfully hard to prove in court."

"I know."

"If you have any more packets at home, you should have the ME's office test them to make sure they're real. Finding packets of fake birth control pills with his fingerprints would be better evidence than your word that you kept losing your pills. The jury might just think you're a scatterbrain, despite all the evidence to the contrary."

"I have one unfinished pack in my purse, and I'll get the rest when I go over there with uniforms this week to move out my stuff. He keeps calling my family and friends wondering why I left, so he clearly doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I doubt he even suspects the rape allegations, much less that I'd catch on if he did something. He won't touch them."'

"You're probably right. He did seem quite dense this morning in his message."

Both women looked up and then at each other when there was a knock on the door. Olivia had her key, so it wasn't her. Alex went over to look through the peephole, and was relieved to find Casey standing on the other side.

"Come in," she said, opening the door. "Have a seat. Can I get you some coffee?"

Alex went into the kitchen with another mug, and filled all three. She set a plate and a fork down in front of Casey, who was trying not to eye the cupcakes on the table.

"Here, have some. I'll get Liv another cupcake later," Alex said. "She went out for a run so we could talk privately."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt." Casey said. "I called your phone again, but you didn't answer and voice mail was full. Then I called Olivia, but she didn't answer either. I won't stay."

"It's okay. We're done for now." Liz explained. "Not that we're not happy to see you, but what brings you here?"

Casey took a sip of her coffee. "Well, Liz, after you told me that Robert had called you this morning, and he called _me_ this morning, I took the liberty of chasing down Petrovsky for a temporary order of protection. We'll be waiting on the lab results from the evidence for a few days, even though Melinda's rushing the evidence. You know we can't get an arrest warrant until we have all of the evidence, but I could at least get the TOP. I'm hoping Melinda will have some preliminary results by Tuesday."

"He called you too? Jesus. Is he going to call the whole damn DA's office? He called my father twice, and my brother, plus he left 3 messages on my voice mail and 8 missed calls." Alex cursed. "Thank you. I actually was going to ask Liz to do that before she left."

"As far as I know, he hasn't called anyone else. But I did include in the order of protection that he is not allowed to contact you by phone, email, Facebook, text message, carrier pigeon, or any other means of communication. He's also prohibited from contacting employees of the DA's office who aren't directly involved in the case. And just for good measure, there's a gag order prohibiting him from discussing the charges against him with anyone except SVU, me, Liz, Branch, and his own counsel."

"Casey, thank you," Alex murmured. "You have definitely earned your cupcake."

Casey cut the remaining pieces in half. "I think Liv has earned her cupcake just as much, if not more than I have, so I'm just going to have a taste. If she sees the box, she'll be hurt if we don't save her any."

"She did see the box before she left, and I promised I'd save her some," Alex agreed.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Olivia looked at her watch as she started to walk a final loop around the park. She had been gone just about an hour, but figured she'd cool down before she went back. After all, she was going to make up for lost calories when she got back.

Her phone rang just as she took a sip of water, and she answered without checking the caller ID.

"Benson."

"Why do you always answer like that when I call?" a familiar voice teased.

"Habit, I guess. Hi, Jenna." Olivia replied. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I'm on my way to your apartment, actually," Jenna answered. "I thought we should talk."

"I'm not at my apartment right now. I'm in the park. And I'm not sure we have anything to talk about."

"Listen, I feel bad about how we left things last night. I know I was pretty insensitive, but I don't want to end things with you over this."

"Can you come meet me by the 73rd street entrance? I don't have a lot of time before I have to get back, but we can talk for a few minutes if you want."

Olivia waited at the park entrance and waved when she saw the young, petite redhead approach. She leaned in for a hug, an was taken aback when the normally timid woman placed a deep kiss on her mouth.

"Jenna, wow, that was unexpected," she said, pulling away after a few seconds. "I guess I didn't think you'd be that eager to see me today after what happened."

"Listen, Liv, I wanted to say that I'm sorry about what happened last night. I know how important your job is to you, and as much as I don't like it, I don't want to lose you over this. I wanted to invite you to dinner at my place tonight and make it up to you."

Olivia bit her lower lip. "Jenna, I like you a lot, I really do," she began slowly. She'd thought the breakup talk was already over, and wasn't prepared to have it again. "But last night, when I left, it was because a friend was attacked. It's our case," she added quickly, sensing Jenna's displeasure, "but I get called out of a lot of dates for work. How would you have felt if the call had come after we made love for the first time last night, and I had to go? I think you would have been pretty upset."

"I would have understood," Jenna said carefully.

Olivia stopped walking and turned to face Jenna, taking hold of both of her hands and looking into her eyes. "Jenna, I think you _want_ to understand, and I believe that you care about me. But I saw how upset you were last night, and I know that if we stay together, and I keep having to leave in the middle of the night, you're going to get tired of it very soon. We've only been together three months, we're already having this argument, and it's only going to get worse the more time we spend together. I don't want to make love to you and then break up in a week because I got called out again. I wouldn't be able to handle that."

Jenna looked away as she started to cry. "It's just… I've never met anyone like you before."

Olivia cupped her hand around her girlfriend's cheek and wiped away a tear with her thumb. "But you deserve a lot more than I can give you right now. There's always work, there's my friend who was attacked who is going to be staying with me until she finds a new place…"

"Your friend is staying with you? I see how it is."

"She's just a friend, Jenna. We used to work together; we've been friends for a long time. Her fiancé attacked her last night so she broke it off and moved out. She's also straight."

"I was straight too, until I met you."

Olivia sighed. "Jenna, there's nothing between us other than friendship, but she really needs my support right now, and between that and our argument about me always getting called out, I just don't think things are going to work out with us. I'm sorry."

"Me too," Jenna said softly. She turned to leave and hurried off without saying goodbye.

Olivia took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that were forming in her own eyes. She'd been gone almost an hour and a half, so she turned and jogged the few blocks back to her apartment, where she found Alex, Liz, and Casey drinking coffee and sharing office gossip.

"I hope you saved me some cupcake," she said as she sat down, taking what was left in the plastic box and grabbing a fork from the kitchen. "I definitely need this after all that running."

Liz smiled, something Olivia had only rarely seen her do. "Olivia, thank you for helping Alex at the hospital last night and for letting her stay with you."

"I'd say it was my pleasure, but given the circumstances, I don't really think that's appropriate."

"Hardly," Liz agreed. "She said you're not working the case, and that you took a few days off to help her find a place and get her stuff moved out. I told her that she's free to stay with me if you need your space back, and that I'll help in any way I can."

"Bringing these cupcakes is help enough, Liz," Olivia joked. "It's no trouble at all having her here. Besides, we have an investigation of our own to work on once Alex is healed up a bit and ready to leave the apartment." She reached over and squeezed Alex's hand.

"Oh yeah? What investigation is that?" Casey asked, amused. She wasn't aware of any open cases.

"We're going to solve the disappearance of Alex Cabot. And when we find her, we're going to bring her back."


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: This one is a little bit fluffy, but I felt the need for a good heart-to-heart. I promise there'll be some action / drama in the next chapter, now that I'm starting to figure out where I'm going with the story. In case you're wondering, timeline-wise, I see this as happening sometime in Season 8, but with Sealview obviously having already happened. I'm trying to be faithful to the canon, just not necessarily the timeline. Enjoy, and please review! I won't hold the story hostage for comments, but I would like to know what you think and what you think should happen!**

After Casey and Liz reminded Alex and Olivia to call if they needed anything, they left, and Olivia excused herself to take a shower, leaving Alex alone on the couch reading.

Once Olivia was under the hot water, she allowed herself to cry. She wasn't sure if she was emotionally drained from supporting Alex and watching her friend's heart break, or confused and disappointed at the end of her own relationship. She suspected it was a little of both.

Nor could she figure out whether she had been completely honest with Jenna about the reasons for ending the relationship. Before Sealview, she'd had arguments with new lovers about her work obligations, but she hadn't ended a relationship before it had even had a chance to take off. If Jenna had happened a year ago, she wouldn't have waited nearly as long to get into bed, and she would have spent more time reassuring her lover, explaining her work schedule and putting extra effort into date nights.

Was she avoiding getting close to Jenna because of Sealview, and sabotaging the relationship? Did she actually think it wouldn't have worked out because of the argument over her work schedule? Or was she just getting less and less willing to continue relationships she was uncertain about because she was getting older?

Olivia wasn't sure, but it sure as hell hurt. She thought back to how she had held Alex this morning while she'd cried, and wished someone would do that for her. But Alex had enough of her own to deal with.

When she got out of the shower, she checked the mirror to make sure her eyes weren't too red from crying before getting dressed and going back to sit down on the couch. Alex was holding a book open on her lap, not actually reading, and staring off into space.

"You okay?" Alex finally asked, looking over at Olivia, who nodded without turning her head. "I know you saw her when you went out. You can talk about it if you want. Gives me a chance to focus on someone else's problems for a change."

Olivia's mouth curled into a half smile, and she sighed. "How did you know?"

"I knew when you came back that you were upset." Alex paused, unsure of how much to pry. "Did you ever tell her what happened?"

"No, I didn't tell her anything more than what I told her last night - that I had a friend who needed my help, and that I didn't think things were going to work out between us."

"That's not what I mean." Alex looked at her pointedly, and suddenly Olivia understood that Alex had caught her slip of the tongue at 4 in the morning. "Last night you said that you haven't been intimate with anyone 'since.'"

"Alex, I really don't want to talk about it."

"Liv, I'm not asking you to talk to me about it if you don't want to. I'm asking you if you told her the reason, or if you're using work and my… situation as reasons to break it off."

"I don't know," Olivia said softly. "I'm 41. I think part of it is what happened, and part of it is just losing my patience for relationships I don't think are going to work out. And it's not fair of me to dump this on her when I'm not sure she'd even want me after I told her and I don't think it's going to work out anyway."

"Look, Liv, I know I'm probably the last person in the world who should be giving relationship advice right now, but I think if she really cares about you, she'll listen and help you through it. Isn't that what love is suppose to be about?"

"You're assuming facts not entered into evidence, Counselor," Olivia replied.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"That we're in love. I can't figure out if I love her, or if I'm just lonely and scared. And I think that if I have to think about it, it's probably the latter. And she deserves someone who knows for sure." Olivia felt tears forming in her eyes.

Alex put a pillow on her lap and patted it, then tugged Olivia's arm until she put her head down on the pillow, and began rubbing her back.

"Listen, Alex, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dump all this on you. You've got enough of your own stuff to deal with, I'm sure."

Alex looked down at Olivia and squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. "First of all, you're not 'dumping' anything on me; I asked. Second, I can't spend every minute thinking about my own problems, because I'll start to wallow. And wallowing almost killed me in Wisconsin. It's good for me to focus on something outside of myself right now. And third, given everything you're doing for me, it's the very least I can do for you. God knows I hardly deserve your help after the way I treated you."

Olivia reached up to grab Alex's hand and squeeze it, and looked up into Alex's eyes. "Lex, I never stopped being your friend."

"But at some point, I stopped being yours." Her tone was apologetic.

"I don't think that's true. And you don't have to do anything to 'deserve' my friendship."

"I picked up the phone to call you so many times when I came back, and I just… I couldn't. I wasn't the same person."

"You don't owe me an explanation, Alex. I can't imagine it's easy to come back from the dead after 3 years. If it were me, I'm not sure my first phone call would have been to the person who was there when I was shot," Olivia said.

"It's not. I'm still really screwed up."

"I told you we're going to work on that. Do you remember the conversation we had when you came back for the Connors trial?"

"You mean when you told me that it's hard to be someone you're not?"

"Yeah, that one. Except I think sometimes it can be even harder to be who you really are."

Alex nodded. "If you can even figure it out at all."

Olivia squeezed her hand again. "We'll figure it out. I promise."

"We can both work on a little healing this week."

After they sat there for a while, Olivia spoke. "About 9 months ago, I went undercover at Sealview," she began, looking straight ahead at the coffee table and trying to keep her voice steady. "Fin was there as a CO. One of the other COs had a reputation for taking advantage of prisoners. The prison was on lockdown because of a TB outbreak, and he, uh, provoked me, and then went to take me to solitary. He took me down to the basement instead."

She took a deep breath and made an effort to speak deliberately. She didn't want to cry. "I was in handcuffs. He locked the basement door. There was a mattress on the floor. He laid me down, and when he went to take off his pants, I struggled, and kicked him, and ran away, but there was nowhere to go. He got me up against the wall, and he told me if I bit him, he'd kill me. He'd just started to push into my mouth when Fin came through the door. If he hadn't…" Olivia stopped talking to swallow the lump that was forming in the back of her throat.

"Oh, sweetie," Alex soothed, rubbing Olivia's back again. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I had no idea. I should have been there for you."

"Nobody did. Casey took my statement. That makes you the only other person who knows the whole story. Fin guessed, but I never talked to him about it. I didn't tell Elliot. We had the guy on rape and murder, so he plead out to life, and it didn't go to trial. I was dating someone at the time. Kurt Moss, from the Ledger. I tried to pretend everything was normal, since I wasn't *actually* raped, until we tried to have sex and I freaked out. I couldn't tell him what happened, he couldn't deal with the nightmares and the no sex, we broke it off. That's what happened to me. I haven't been intimate with anyone since then."

"That's horrible. I can't believe he did that to you. What an asshole."

Olivia shrugged. "Happens a lot more than you think. We weren't that serious. Sex was a big part of our relationship, so…"

"So he dumped you instead of helping you heal? Jesus." Alex's face contorted into the scowl she reserved for unremorseful murderers and their defense attorneys.

"Yeah, it sucked. But I don't think it would have been helpful for me if he'd stuck around to pressure me back into bed. We already had an expiration date."

"And your girlfriend - ex-girlfriend - you couldn't tell her and give her the chance to be there for you? Or did you assume that she would leave you if she found out because Kurt did?" Olivia's face contorted in pain. "Liv, all I'm saying is that you've been seeing her for three months and haven't mentioned it, and I've been back in your life for less than 24 hours after having been gone for almost 4 years."

"That's different. We were friends for years before, and we both saw this stuff every day. Jenna works for an advertising firm, and I've told her as little as possible about my job. I don't want to lay that on her."

"You don't want to lay that on her, or you're afraid she'll run if you do?"

"A little of both, maybe. Are you saying I should call her and tell her?" Olivia asked.

"I'm saying maybe you should sort out your reasons and be sure you're breaking up with her for the right ones."

Alex's face softened as another question occurred to her, one she was almost afraid to ask. When she worked with rape victims, it was usually months or years after their attacks, and she had seen enough of them become emotional wrecks on the stand to wonder how much they really healed. She was never quite sure if their pain was from being forced to testify and relive the worst day of their lives, or if they "Liv?" she asked, hesitating, her voice almost a whisper. "Do women ever have normal sex after being raped?"

Olivia understood the implicit question, the one she couldn't really answer. Some women never fully recovered from their assaults, but the last thing Olivia wanted was to tell Alex she'd be scared of sex for a long time, possibly years. Her experience with victims taught her that women varied widely in their recovery times, and those who had supportive, loving partners often fared the best, while those who had been victims of abuse in a relationship had a much harder time establishing trust with someone new.

She sat up and put her knee on the couch so she could turn to face Alex, who had tears in her eyes. She took both of Alex's hands in hers and gave them a squeeze, looking into her eyes and rubbing her thumbs over Alex's knuckles as she spoke.

"Lex, I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to be really rough, and it'll take a while before you're ready to have sex again and then even longer for it to feel good, and normal, and not scary. You're gong to have to find someone you really trust, someone who'll respect your boundaries, and stop when you tell him to, and do whatever you need if you have a flashback or a panic attack. You were hurt by someone you were supposed to be able to trust. You'll have good sex again, you just have to wait for the right someone."

Alex shrugged and turned her head away from Olivia, and withdrew her hands as she blushed. "Now you're the one assuming facts not entered into evidence." Olivia raised her eyebrow. "One is assuming I trusted Robert to begin with. I didn't. He didn't respect my boundaries from the beginning, and I was an idiot for staying as long as I did. Two is assuming I've had good sex. I'm pretty sure I have not."

"Why not?" Olivia asked softly.

Alex looked back at Olivia, into wide brown eyes. She saw no judgement or shame in her eyes, just concern and caring in her soft features. Olivia bit her lower lip before pressing her lips together, arching an eyebrow and squinting just a little to study Alex's face for clues that she was prying too much into her personal life. Alex hesitated. She wasn't sure if it was because she had pressed Olivia for information earlier, or because her friend was so good at carefully extracting information from reluctant victims, but she felt at ease. A little embarrassed, maybe, but not uncomfortable.

"Why didn't I trust Robert, or why haven't I had good sex?" Alex asked finally.

"Either," Olivia replied.

"I didn't trust Robert because he couldn't keep his hands off me. He had to have sex every single night, and wouldn't leave me alone if he didn't get it. At first I thought it was a new relationship thing. You know, honeymoon phase. Of course we would have sex when we spent the night together. Then we moved in together, and I realized that he was _settling _for once a day. He'd even wake me up in the middle of the night if he got home late. And it was only ever about him getting off."

"I'm sorry, Lex. That sounds awful." A realization dawned on her. "That's what you meant last night, isn't it? I asked if it was the first time he'd forced you, and you didn't say yes, you said it was the first time he was violent."

Alex nodded, still avoiding Olivia's eyes. "I wasn't going to marry him, you know. I had figured that much out already, I just wasn't sure how to leave yet."

Olivia reached over and took Alex's hands back into her own. "Alex, look at me for a sec, sweetie," she said, waiting until Alex's watery blue eyes met her own. "Alex, you know that no matter what, I'm never going to judge you for anything, okay? You don't have to be embarrassed about anything with me. I'm just here to listen and hold your hand and help you get back on your own two feet. Nothing more, nothing less. And nothing you say will be used against you here or anywhere else."

"I know. It means a lot. Although, to be honest, I don't know why I'm telling you all this."

"Maybe because you feel guilty that you somehow managed to get all the details of my sex life and Sealview earlier, despite my best efforts?" Olivia's voice had a light, teasing quality to it. She wasn't upset that she had shared so much personal information; she knew she could trust Alex, but hadn't wanted to burden her friend.

"Maybe. Or maybe I'm just feeling a bit vulnerable. And I'm trying to work some stuff out. I don't normally talk about sex. With anyone. Cabots don't talk about sex." Alex shook her head. "Hell, I haven't even had anything to drink."

"Even with your partners?" Olivia returned to the same soothing, serious tone she had used to reassure Alex a few seconds before, and Alex shook her head and turned away again. "Do you think that might have something to do with why you haven't had good sex?"

"There haven't been many partners."

"Well, in my experience, a lot of men assume that what's good for them is good for their partner, unless they're told otherwise and gently encouraged in the right direction. I don't think they're intentionally selfish - most of them, anyway - they're just straightforward and easy to please. Sex is a lot more complicated for women. Every woman is different." Olivia paused. "When you're ready, I'll give you the name of a good therapist who works with victims of rape and sexual assault. There's a support group that I go to that you might find helpful as well. Learning to communicate with your partner about sex will be really important for your next relationship."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "And you know _that _from personal experience too?"

Olivia grunted. "Just because I know it's important doesn't mean I'm any good at it. I was before. This is just… different. I'm working on it."

Alex nodded and picked up the book she had been reading, skimming a few pages without really absorbing the content. Olivia sat forward on the couch, her elbows on her legs and hands folded between her knees. She looked at the clock, then to Alex.

"Alex, do you want to stay in tonight, or would you be up for going out and starting our investigation?"

"Depends. What do you have in mind?"

"I thought we should start by going back to the scene of the crime."

Alex swallowed hard and almost choked out the word. "O'Malley's? I haven't been there since…"

"I know. If you're not up for it, that's okay. But I think we should go there at some point."

"Will you invite the guys and Casey?"

"Only if you want me to."

"Just give us a few minutes before we meet them there. I want to have a chance to freak out a little bit in private."

"OK, I'll call them. Let's go."


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Enjoy, and please review! I won't hold the story hostage for comments, but I would like to know what you think and what you think should happen!**

**Irene22, Bkwrmchar, Tammy, other kind reviewers: thanks for your kind words and your reviews. They're greatly appreciated! I've been a L&O SVU fan since the beginning, and I cried so hard when Alex went into WPP (I was 14 or 15 at the time!) and I think I've been in love with her forever. I still want to be her when I grow up :-). But I just discovered the concept of fanfiction recently, and I love it. Hopefully I'll be writing more stories in the future.**

Alex gripped Olivia's hand as they walked the last few blocks to O'Malley's, her eyes darting around as she tried to study each person on the street to identify threats. She ducked behind a parked car when a black SUV turned the corner and drove past the bar, then collapsed on the ground, winced in pain, and started hyperventilating.

Olivia crouched in front of her, taking her hand and rubbing her back. "Alex, can you hear me? It's Liv. It was just a car that drove by. You're safe. Lex, you're here with me and you're safe. Take a deep breath. That's it. Deep breaths."

Alex slowly regulated her breathing and opened her eyes, looking at Olivia. "I'm sorry," she whispered, tears forming. "I didn't mean to freak out like that."

"Lex, it's okay. It's just a panic attack. I thought this might happen. I had them too, the first few times I came back to the bar after you were shot."

Alex moaned in pain as she shifted on the pavement. "Ouch. Can you help me get up, Liv, before I keep embarrassing myself?"

"You're in New York, sweetie. Nobody even noticed. Besides, this is why everyone's meeting us in 20 minutes, so they wouldn't see this. Nobody we know is here." Olivia smiled and put her arms around Alex to help her stand up, and kept rubbing her back and reassuring her.

Alex stood still, looking around the corner where the SUV had come from that night, and followed its trajectory with her eyes. She held her breath as she saw the gun come out of the window, felt a pain in her shoulder, and brought Olivia's hand up to where the bullet had entered her, holding it in place with her own.

"I don't think I ever got a chance to say thanks for saving my life, Liv." Alex spoke softly, still staring out at the spot where the gun had appeared.

"My pleasure," Olivia murmured. "I would have been devastated if you hadn't… I wouldn't have been able to live with myself."

"I know. That's why I made the Marshals let me see you. I didn't want you to feel responsible for my death."

They stood there, quietly, for a few minutes, their hands on Alex's shoulder, until Olivia squeezed it. "You okay to go in and get a table now?"

Alex cried out in pain.

"Oh fuck, I'm so sorry, Lex. Did I hurt you?" She took her hand away from her shoulder and looked into Alex's blue eyes, which were filling with tears again.

"Aïe, sorry, Liv, it's just… I never regained full mobility in my arm, and last night…"

"Robert re-injured it. Alex, I didn't think. I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was hurting. Why didn't you have the doctor look at it last night?"

"It hurt when he tied me up, and then other things hurt more, and the ibuprofen helped, and then this morning it was stiff, but I didn't really have to use it today." She began massaging it with the fingers of her left hand.

"Here, let me," Olivia said, touching gently. "We'll put some ice on it when we get home, okay? You should have told me it was bothering you." She wiped a tear off Alex's cheek, then pulled her into a hug.

"Really, Olivia? It certainly didn't take you long!" Olivia pulled out of her hug with Alex to see Jenna standing next to them with her arms crossed.

"Jenna, it's not what it looks like," Olivia began.

"Really? Because it looks like you're making out with another woman less than 6 hours after we broke up. Care to explain that?" Jenna was practically spitting.

"Jenna, this is my friend Alex. We're not together." Olivia wasn't sure how much of Alex's story to tell.

Alex wiped a tear from her eye and reached out to put her hand gently on Jenna's crossed arms. "Jenna, Olivia's just my friend. I'm staying with her since I ended up in the hospital last night and left my fiancé." She looked into Jenna's eyes, which were starting to soften, and lowered her voice. "We've been friends for eight years. A few years ago, I was shot outside this bar. Liv was there and she saved my life. I had to leave the city for a while. This is the first time I've been back here since, and I had a bit of a panic attack. That's all that was going on."

Jenna looked embarrassed. "Oh," was all she managed to say. She swallowed and looked away. "I better get going, then. I'm sorry."

Alex held onto her arm. "Wait," she said. "Why don't you come have a drink with us inside? We're meeting some of Olivia's colleagues for a drink. I used to work with them. Liv?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, come have a drink with us," she choked out, sounding unsure. "But I have to warn you, they can be pretty brutal, especially Elliot. And you should know I've never introduced them to anyone before."

Jenna contemplated the offer. "If you're uncomfortable introducing me, I understand. We can do drinks another time. I'm sorry I overreacted."

Olivia stepped closer and reached out to take Jenna's hand and squeeze it. "I usually prefer to keep my personal life personal. But it's okay. They won't bite. It's up to you."

"Okay, as long as you're sure."

"I'm sure. Come on." Olivia turned to look at Alex. "Are you ready to go in?"

Alex's eyes followed the phantom SUV and gunshot once more, pressing her hand to her throbbing shoulder again, before looking at Jenna, then Olivia. "Yeah. I'm okay. Let's go in."

The women went to the back of the bar and took a large booth. The bartender did a double take when he came over to take their order.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" he asked incredulously.

Alex laughed. "Not anymore, Tom. The cartel is dead, as of almost a year ago. I just didn't have the guts to come back here before now."

"Well, welcome back, Ms. Cabot. It's not every day a beautiful woman who bled out on our sidewalk in front of a hundred cops comes back from the dead. What are you drinking? It's on the house."

"It's Alex, please. Ms. Cabot is for court. And I think I'll stick to Diet Coke for tonight, thanks." She flashed a smile at the bartender.

"Diet Coke it is. And for you ladies?" Tom asked.

Olivia looked at Jenna, who nodded. "We'll get a pitcher of Sam Adams, please. The guys are meeting us, so bring -" she counted on her fingers "5 glasses."

"Coming right up, Detective," Tom said, winking at her. "And good to see you again, Counselor."

"Thanks Tom," Olivia replied.

Alex adjusted her glasses, pushed her hair behind her right ear, and folded her hands on the table, studying Jenna. "So," she said, finally breaking the silence. "I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Alexandra Cabot, and I work for the District Attorney's office. I used to be the prosecutor working with Olivia's squad. You can call me Alex." She held out her hand for Jenna to shake.

"Alex, I'm so sorry I jumped to conclusions. I'm Jenna McFarlane. I work in advertising. Nothing glamorous."

"Nice to meet you, Jenna. How did you meet Olivia?"

"We kept bumping into each other at a yoga class at that place on 75th and Amsterdam. We got coffee afterwards a few times… Oh, THAT'S why you look familiar! You're that ADA who got killed a few years ago when you tried to take down the Colombian drug cartel. I read six newspapers a day for my job. You were front page news for weeks."

Alex smiled shyly and blushed. "That's me."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to get excited. I was just confused when you said you had been shot, and then the bartender said you were dead, and… I'm sorry, I'm babbling. So what happened to you? How are you alive?"

Alex started to answer, but Tom came back with their drinks, followed by Fin, Munch, and Elliot. _Saved by the bell_, she thought.

"Teflon!" Munch cried, as Alex stood up to hug each of the men. She only flinched slightly at their touch, then sat back down.

Olivia squeezed Jenna's knee under the table and introduced her coworkers. "Jenna, these are Detectives Munch and Fin, and my partner, Elliot Stabler. Guys, this is Jenna," she said, not wanting to clarify the relationship. She wasn't sure where she stood with Jenna since their two break-up talks and their encounter on the sidewalk, and she definitely didn't want to explain it to the guys.

Munch and Fin looked at each other, and Munch gestured with his fingers. Fin groaned and pulled a bill out of his wallet and handed it to his partner.

"Hey!" Olivia cried, grabbing the bill from Munch's hand. "What the hell is this? Were you _betting _on my personal life?"

Munch and Fin looked at each other, then back at Olivia.

"How long?" she demanded.

"Well, I started working with you guys almost 8 years ago, so… 8 years?" Fin answered.

"Fine." She pointed at Munch. "You won? You're putting this towards our drinks." She put the bill down on the table.

Munch looked at Alex. "How long have you known?"

"Well, I started working with you guys at the same time as Fin, so… 8 years?"

"Damn. Cabot really _does _know everything." Fin commented.

"I'm glad you finally believe me," Alex joked. "It took you long enough."

Munch and Fin both looked at Elliot. "Did you know about this?"

"That Cabot knows everything? Or about Liv?" Elliot smirked. "I think I'm going to invoke my 5th amendment right against self-incrimination."

"You can't invoke, Stabler. You're a witness, not a defendant. You're not protected by the 5th amendment." Alex countered.

"Fine. Then, yes, I knew that Cabot knows everything. She told us so the first time she walked into the precinct after the Morris Commission." Elliot said.

Alex laughed. "Oh, God, I was such a bitch."

"No, you were passionate and stubborn. That's what made you and Liv such a great team," Munch teased. "I hope that hasn't changed, Counselor?"

Alex shook her head. "Nope. Still just as stubborn."

"And about Liv?" Fin asked.

"Yeah, El knew. Pretty much since we became partners," Olivia said.

"You could have settled our bet years ago! Bastard!" Munch replied.

"Liv asked me not too. Said she wanted to keep her personal life personal. I respected that," Elliot explained. "Besides, it was fun to listen you two speculate. Nothing like Munch's conspiracy theories."

"But what about all those boyfriends? The guy from the Ledger? The other guy, the one from when you took the 911 call from the victim of that kiddie porn guy?" Fin asked.

"Oh, that was the case where you guys busted the guy from Montreal who had that girl in his basement for years, the one who took hundreds of pictures and posted them online?" Alex started getting excited.

"First of all, those were the same guy, Kurt Moss. I dated him for 6 months, until around the time I came back from the undercover op in Sealview. Second, I'm bi. I've dated both men and women. And third, we're done talking about my personal life."

Olivia thought that Casey couldn't have picked a better moment to come in and interrupt the conversation. "Sorry, guys, I got caught up talking to Liz Donnelly." Casey held out her hand to Jenna.

"You heard about that?" Olivia asked, surprised.

"Of course! It was national news. I was in Charleston at the time. Liv, your picture was in the paper. I cut out the article and saved it. I was actually on a date when the story broke on the TV in the bar, and I had a bit of a rough time explaining why I was so interested in this random case from a city I'd supposedly never visited."

"Jenna, this is Casey Novak, our ADA who replaced Alex while she was dead. Case, this is Jenna McFarlane." Olivia looked away from Alex to introduce Jenna.

"Now we all know that I could never dream of replacing Alex," Casey offered, shaking Jenna's hand. "Nice to meet you."

"They know that. They just want you to feel loved so you'll get them their warrants," Alex quipped.

"I see how it is," Casey replied, laughing.

"Casey, did you know about Liv?" Fin asked.

"Case, we were just discussing how we're done discussing my personal life. And yes, she did know. Now can we move on, please?" Olivia was starting to get frustrated. She hadn't wanted Jenna to feel pressured by meeting everyone. She smiled at her and put her hand on Jenna's knee to reassure her, but Jenna just looked amused. She'd once told Olivia that she didn't mind hanging out with big groups of people, but wasn't very talkative with people she didn't know well.

"Any good lawyer would argue that you opened the door to that line of questioning when you invited Jenna to join us, Detective Benson," Casey said. "But your objection is sustained." Casey sat down next to Alex and pointed at the Coke as she poured her own beer from the pitcher on the table and took a sip. "No beer? I thought you could use a drink after the day you've had."

Alex shrugged. "I'm on some pain medication, so I'm trying to be kind to my liver," she explained. Olivia arched her eyebrow at Alex, but didn't say anything. Alex wasn't taking anything stronger than ibuprofen as far as she knew.

"So, Case, how's Donnelley? Elliot asked.

"She's fine. We'll be working together on the Sheldon case. He can afford any defense attorney in town, and since Alex is technically my boss, we want to be really careful on this one. Alex, Liz was going to talk to Branch this afternoon, just to let him know what's going on. And," she pointed at Alex, "You're not expected back in the office for at least a week, if not two."

Jenna leaned over and whispered in Olivia's ear. "Is that Alex's fiancé who attacked her?" Olivia nodded, and Jenna looked confused. "I thought you guys only did sex crimes, like rape. You just said Alex was hurt…" A flash of understanding crossed her face.

"Jen, I'm sorry I wasn't clear before, but that's usually what we mean when we say someone was 'attacked.' It's a euphemism of sorts, I suppose." Olivia murmured.

"Who do you think will represent him?" Elliot asked.

"As far as I know, he doesn't have a criminal defense attorney on retainer," Alex began. "But I think it will depend on his defense strategy."

"You think he's going to go for 'reason of mental disease or defect'?" Munch asked.

"I think _I'm_ the one who should claim insanity for getting involved with him in the first place," Alex replied. "But considering he's at least partially mentally competent and I _told _him he was raping me and to stop many times, I doubt that defense would get past a judge."

"Alex, just so you know, none of us have read your statement or the medical reports yet. We thought we'd wait until Warner comes back, so you could have a few days of privacy before we dig in your business." Fin explained.

"Thanks, guys." Alex said softly.

Casey reached over the table and took her hand. "Liz and I read it, and we went over what you said this afternoon," Casey said, and immediately regretted her earlier comment about Alex's beverage choice. "And I thought you should know that Langan called this afternoon. Apparently Robert tried to hire his firm, and he refused. He said he'd call around and try to have him blacklisted. Maybe he'll end up with a public defender."

"Nah, he's worth millions. Some scumbag will defend him for the right price," Munch replied.

"Langan's probably still carrying a flame for Alex from that date all those years ago. That's why he won't defend Robert." Elliot winked at Alex.

"For the record, that was _not _a date, it was a business dinner. And how do you know how much Robert is worth?" Alex said. Munch smiled cryptically.

"Well, Novak will wipe the floor with whoever defends him." Fin said.

"And Liz." Casey squeezed Alex's hand again. She didn't want to spend too much time talking about the case. Alex had already dealt with enough that day, she thought. And the more they talked about potential defense attorneys and strategies, the harder it would be to ignore the interesting angle to the case that Liz had discussed with her after they'd left Olivia's apartment that afternoon.

"And why don't you dress up like that for us when _we _have 'business dinners'?" Elliot retorted.

"Because I'm not trying to make you jealous? I actually _did_ date Trevor, in law school, and I'll have you know that he didn't get past a kiss on the third date and he used entirely too much tongue." Alex took a sip of her drink to hide her smirk.

"El, close your mouth and stop drooling," Olivia said. "It's unbecoming. Don't you have a wife to get home to or something?"

"Oh shit! Thanks, Liv. I'm supposed to meet Kathy for dinner in 45 minutes." Elliot replied, getting up.

"Casey, I think you'll wipe the floor with him, and then Liz will put his balls in a cheese grater and grind them over her Wheaties." Olivia said.

"Well, she _is_ my godmother, you know. And he _would_ deserve it," Alex said.

Olivia looked at Elliot. "Don't forget flowers. Get her some orange blossoms. For 'eternal love' and 'fruitfulness'," Olivia winked. "Or some orange roses for _desire_."

"Who knew you were such a romantic, Liv? I think I'll go with the roses. God knows we don't need any more fruitfulness!" Elliot smirked.

Olivia laughed. "Oh, this has nothing to do with romance. I just know you'll be more tolerable if you get laid. Go get her, partner. My love to Kathy and the kids."

Elliot got up and reached over to shake Jenna's hand. "It was nice to meet you, Jenna." He reached over to put his hand on Olivia's shoulder and squeezed it. "Liv, take good care of Cabot. Cabot, it's good to have you back. Don't forget, you're family, and there's a long line of people ready to kick this guy's ass. And keep Liv out of trouble while she's off this week."

Alex nodded and smiled. "Will do. Thanks, Stabler."

"So, Cabot, what can you tell me about Area 51?"

Alex laughed. "John, Witsec sent me to Milwaukee, Portland, Bloomington, and Charleston. I know nothing about Area 51. And if I did, it would be classified." She winked.

"Portland wasn't too bad, was it?" Olivia asked. "I was there for a few weeks about a year ago on an ecoterrorism case with Dana Lewis from the FBI. They had me buying organic produce, giving up soda, and protesting estrogen feminizing the fish in the Great Lakes."

Everyone laughed. "Portland wasn't so bad, but I wasn't even there for 3 months. And Bloomington was okay, for Indiana. It's a college town, so it's pretty liberal. But Charleston was horrible. I was just outside the city, I couldn't go anywhere without a car, and the only social activities in town were through the churches. They had me singing in the choir and doing potlucks and everything."

"Alexandra Cabot, Church Lady. I can hardly believe it." Casey said dryly.

"The church ladies were nice enough, actually. I made some friends. Got a chance to play some music. The Feds let me have a violin, but not a piano. Can you believe a Steinway isn't in the witness protection budget?"

"Our tax dollars at work," Munch said.

"So I played a bit at the church, and played in a handbell choir, and made lasagna and macaroni salad for potlucks. It was horribly suburban. I even went to Bible Study. Although that - they kicked me out after three meetings because they didn't like my literary analysis. I was 'too argumentative' for their group."

Casey laughed. "Now that I can believe. Sometimes I think being a lawyer and being Catholic don't really mix."

Munch and Fin got up to leave. "Well, ladies, it's been fun, but we're catching tonight, so we have to go back to the house." Munch said.

"We'll see you soon. Nice to meet you, Jenna. And Cabot, we got your back." Alex smiled and nodded in thanks, waving goodbye.

The remaining women sat in silence for a few minutes, studying the remnants of their drinks. "Well, now that it's just us girls, and I'm the only cop left, we're probably going to start getting hit on." Olivia said. "And our beer is gone, and we haven't eaten. I have a bottle of wine in my fridge. Do you want to come back to my place and get some takeout?" She looked at Alex. "Lex, you up for more company? Not too tired?"

"I'm okay. I have to take some more meds, but this is a nice distraction. I'm not staying up too late, though."

"We won't stay too late, then," Casey reassured her. "I know you need your beauty rest. We'll have some dinner and some wine, then go home."

"Sounds good to me," Jenna added.

"OK, let's just pay for our drinks, I'll call in an order to the place by my apartment, and we can walk over and it'll be ready by the time we get there? How does that sound?" Olivia asked, and the other women nodded in agreement.

They dropped some money on the table as Olivia called in their food order, and then got up to put on their jackets. It was dark out now, and Alex was apprehensive as she walked back towards the door. She had forgotten her nervousness inside, surrounded by cops and her friends.

Olivia sensed her tension and put an arm around Alex's back. "Lex, I've got you. You're okay. It's safe now, remember?" She whispered reassuring words in Alex's ear as they exited the bar. Alex stopped again, outside, scanning the street for a black SUV, and exhaling when she saw the street was clear. Olivia continued murmuring instructions to breathe and stay calm until they got a few blocks away, and Alex relaxed noticeably, breathing a deep sigh of relief.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit. **

**Author's Note: I need your opinion. Robert is coming back in the next chapter for sure, but I have a few different ideas planned for future appearances. Should he stay at the same level of mean, be a _little_ more mean, or be downright evil? Part of it will depend on how long I decide to make the story, but input is welcome. Thanks!**

Once they got a few blocks away from the bar, Alex slowly pulled away from Olivia and took a deep breath, wiping away the tears that had started forming in her eyes.

Casey and Jenna had been walking a few steps behind to give Alex space, and once the two women pulled apart, Casey caught up and put her hand on Alex's elbow. "Are you okay?" she asked softly.

"Yeah, Casey, I think I'm okay now. Thanks, Liv." Olivia squeezed her hand.

"Was that the first time you went back there since…?" Casey asked quietly.

"Yeah. I thought you knew. We got there early so I could have my panic attack before the guys got there."

"That's pretty brave."

"Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori," Alex recited, smiling wryly.

Olivia and Casey laughed. "The old lie," Olivia said. "Hey, my mother was an English professor. I know my poetry."

"Uh, sorry to interrupt, but I think I'm actually going to call it a night," Jenna said, turning the corner onto West 81st Street.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked, realizing that she had been so focused on keeping Alex comfortable that she hadn't done a very good job of including Jenna in the conversation.

"Jenna, listen, I'm sorry I put you on the spot earlier, and I should have realized that we would mostly talk shop," Alex said. "We all work 80 hours a week or more, we barely have time for social lives outside of work, so when we get together, well, that's what we talk about." She eyed Olivia. "I've told Liv that I don't intend interfere with her personal life while she's letting me stay with her, so the two of you should make plans for coffee or dinner sometime this week. You have things to talk about. Have I made myself clear?"

"Crystal, Counselor. So you're not interfering with my personal life by interfering with my personal life. Got it." Olivia sputtered. She reached over and took Jenna's hand. "I'll call you tomorrow, then, okay?"

Jenna nodded. "Good night, then. Talk to you tomorrow." She turned and walked away.

As soon as Jenna was out of earshot, Casey turned to Olivia. "So, does one of you want to tell me what that was all about?"

Olivia sighed and started to answer, but Alex beat her to it. "Look, Liv, I'm sorry, but I didn't see what other choice we had." She turned to Casey. "She saw us outside of O'Malley's before everyone else got there. I was having a panic attack… and I'm thinking it probably looked like we were making out. So I tried to explain everything, and ended up inviting her to drinks. But given that she barely said anything the entire time, I'm not sure it was a good idea."

"Alex, I _broke up_ with her. Twice in two days. One of which was today. And even if I _hadn't_ broken up with her, I certainly wasn't ready to introduce her to everyone yet. Or to expose her to Munch and Fin _betting_ on my sexual orientation."

"Liv, I'm sorry. I just think you should talk to her. Tell her what happened. and I don't want you breaking up with her because of me."

"Lex, I didn't break up with her because of you. I broke up with her because I don't think she understands my job and I don't see it getting serious."

"I think you don't see it getting serious because you haven't told her anything serious. I think you should give her a chance instead of selling her short."

"I almost forgot how annoying you are, Alex."

"Does that mean you concede that I'm right?"

"It means I'll talk to her. But I still don't know if I'll tell her anything."

"Within an hour of meeting me she knew that I was shot and that I was raped by my own fiancé and she didn't seem fazed." Alex said pointedly.

"Well, she's also not trying to sleep with you. And I'm not sure 'not fazed by rape' is what I'm going for either."

"Case, what do you think?"

"Assuming we're talking about Sealview, I think that if you haven't told her yet, there are two possible reasons. One is that you're afraid how she'll react, which is normal. But I don't think that's it, because you're usually open and honest in your relationships, and you're not the type to shy away from tough conversations. Two is that you've been taking care of her emotional needs and she's been too busy to notice yours. And if, after 3 months, she hasn't managed to coax some information out of you, she's either oblivious or insensitive. Liv, I know you like to play it close to the chest, and she hasn't known you for as long as we have, but you need to figure out your reasons before you talk to her. _If _you decide to talk to her."

Olivia nodded, and their arrival at the restaurant stopped the conversation while they picked up their food and went up to Olivia's apartment. Alex again refused wine, and the women made small talk, but each focused mostly on her own thoughts, Olivia wondering whether Jenna really had ignored clues that she needed emotional support, Alex exhausted from pretending everything was okay during the hours of barroom banter, and Casey thinking about what she could do to help her hurting friends. Olivia and Casey shared a bottle of wine, but didn't manage to get to their usual level of drunken gregariousness.

After she finished eating, Alex excused herself to go shower, explaining that she was going to church in the morning. Olivia followed her into the bedroom.

"Alex, do you mind if I ask Casey to stay the night? She's had a lot to drink and it's late, but it would mean one of us sharing the bed with you. Or I can bring her downstairs and get her into a cab."

"Liv, you don't have to ask me to have guests in your house."

"Alex, I just wanted to make sure it was okay with you before I said anything in front of her. Are you sure you don't mind? If you'd prefer to sleep alone, I'll make sure she gets home."

"It's okay. I don't mind sharing with you. And I can hardly expect you to sleep on your couch for however long I'm here. Although I'll have time to look for a place this week, I suppose."

"Lex, there's no rush to go anywhere. You stay as long as you want, and I have no problem sleeping on the couch."

"Really, Liv, it's okay." Olivia nodded, sensing that Alex didn't want to talk anymore, and grabbed some clean pyjamas before going back into the living room, where Casey was putting on her coat.

"Casey, come on, let me make up the couch for you. It's late, you've been drinking. Take these, and I'll get you a toothbrush when Alex gets out of the bathroom." Olivia took the sheets and blankets she had folded up after her own night on the couch, and put them on the table, clearing off the leftovers and pouring the last of the wine into their glasses.

Casey sat down on the couch and took another sip of her wine. "So what do you think she's going to do?" Casey asked quietly once she heard the water running in the bathroom.

"I don't know. She hasn't talked to me about it. I guessed after she got off the phone with the doctor this morning. I figure she'll talk when she's ready. But she's not drinking alcohol, which has to mean she's at least thinking about keeping it. She's not on anything stronger than ibuprofen."

"I was wondering about that. I regretted my comment about her Coke in the bar."

"How did you find out?"

"Liz. Alex didn't really tell her directly either, but said she thought Robert tampered with her birth control. We're going to try to prove it in court."

"That won't be easy." Olivia said, finishing off her own glass of wine.

"No, but it would open the door for women who are being abused to file additional charges. We both know that a lot of domestic violence victims are also coerced into unwanted pregnancies."

The water turned off, and Olivia made up the couch for Casey. By the time she said goodnight, brushed her teeth, and put on her pyjamas, the lights in the bedroom were already off, and Alex seemed to be asleep. Olivia climbed into bed, careful not to crowd Alex, and whispered goodnight.

Alex had begged off dinner early to cry alone, quietly, in the shower, and knowing that she had to get up in the morning to play music in church had been a good excuse to go to bed. Now, she lay on her side, staring at the wall and trying not to make any noise as tears streamed down her face. She kept her breathing steady, and secretly hoped Olivia would notice something, anything, and give her a hug and tell her everything would be okay. She desperately wanted to tell Olivia about the pills, and her pregnancy, and how she was terrified, and how she had no idea if she could keep a baby she had never wanted in the first place, but she didn't know where to start.

Olivia awoke to the sound of whimpering, and at first, she thought it was coming from her own nightmare. She had seen Lowell Harris in her dreams again, but this time, Jenna had been in the basement, laughing at her and telling her that it was all her fault, that she shouldn't have gone in there in the first place, and that nobody would ever want to have sex with her again.

When she opened her eyes, she realized that the sounds were coming from the woman next to her, who was curled up into fetal position and shaking.

"_Robert, no. Robert, do you have any idea what time it is? I was asleep. I have court in the morning. Robert, not tonight. Robert, that hurts! Stop! At least wait until I'm ready. You can't just push in like that… Robert, women are not turned on by mere proximity to a penis. There's this thing called foreplay."_

Olivia reached over to touch Alex's shoulder, then climbed out of bed and kneeled in front of her, stroking her hair. "Lex, sweetie, wake up. It's Olivia. You're having a nightmare. It's okay. You're safe. He can't hurt you." Alex bolted upright in bed, her eyes suddenly wide open. She looked around, and when she saw Olivia, she relaxed back into the pillows, and started to sob.

Olivia continued to stroke her hair and soothe her. "Sweetie, you're soaking wet. Let me get you some new pyjamas," she offered when she put her hand on the blonde's arm and felt the soaked tee-shirt. She reached over to the dresser and grabbed the first one available, and reassured Alex while she pulled off the teeshirt with one hand and pulled the sheets to cover her friend's nakedness with the other. She tossed the wet shirt aside. "I'm going to get a washcloth and some water, okay, sweetie?"

Alex nodded, and Olivia filled a glass in the kitchen and grabbed a cloth, which she used to wipe Alex's face, neck, and arms, before asking permission to pat down the sweaty skin under her top. When Olivia had finished gently washing her friend, she sat next to her on the edge of the bed, and pulled her into a hug, rubbing reassuring circles on her back and occasionally running her hand through her hair.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Olivia asked softly, once Alex's breathing had slowed. She found Olivia's touch and the cool water on the washcloth soothing, and didn't flinch, even when Olivia washed under her shirt. Something about the way she silently asked permission with her eyes before each touch, and watched for signs she was hurting Alex reassured her. Olivia's touch wasn't sexual, she didn't try to take advantage like others had or had tried to do.

"It was just a dream about Robert. Not about last night. About another… other nights, when he would come to bed and wake me up for sex."

"Do you know what you said in your dream?"

"No." Alex started turning bright red with embarrassment.

"Hey, Lex, it's okay. It's just me. For starters, you told him you were not turned on by 'mere proximity to a penis.'" Olivia laughed, then stopped when she saw Alex's degree of discomfort. "I'm sorry, sweetie, I just thought that line was funny. Did you actually say that to him?"

"No," Alex said quietly. "But I thought it more than once."

"Did he do that a lot? Have sex with you when you weren't ready? Hurt you when he entered you?"

Alex hung her head and nodded, tears streaming down her face.

Olivia squeezed her tighter. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I wish we could have gotten you out of there sooner. But you're safe now, and nobody's going to hurt you. Okay? I've got you." She continued to whisper soothing words into Alex's ear and wipe tears off her face, until her breathing slowed and she had taken more pain medication and finished her glass of water. She laid Alex back down into bed, and, climbing into bed behind her, spooned her and held her hand with the arm draped over her side. "I've got you, Lex. No more nightmares, okay? You're safe right here. Goodnight, sweetie."

And Alex and Olivia both drifted off to a nightmare-free sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit. **

**Author's Note: I didn't mean to imply that Robert wasn't _already_ super evil. Rape is pretty evil, as evil things go. But for the record, I think I've resolved where I'm going with this, and he's not going to be that much more evil.**

**I've been thinking about the comment by Bkwrmchar about how it wouldn't be believable if Robert was _more_ evil and Alex was with him... I admit that I don't have personal experience with abuse (lucky me), but I've certainly heard of men who have turned abusive as soon as the woman gets "stuck" in a way - married, or pregnant - even though they weren't necessarily abusive or too controlling before. I have no idea whether this holds up in real life, whether there aren't signs or lots of 'red flags', even in cases where women have said there weren't. I _do_ think it's believable that Alex was emotionally vulnerable when she came back from Witsec, and perhaps made some bad choices (*cough*Jim Steele*cough*) or was susceptible to being victimized a bit. I definitely did NOT think it was plausible for her to be so happy and well-adjusted in _Conviction_ after getting shot and losing 3 years of her life (especially when what very little we saw of / heard about Robert made it so clear he was wrong for her). But that's just me. /rant over.**

**Also, this WILL end up being A/O romance, but it might take me a while to get there. I've found it implausible in other AO fics when one of the characters is raped, or just coming out, or has some kind of physical or emotional trauma that they can just decide to be in love and jump right in bed with each other. I think they both have a lot to work through before they get into bed together, even if they do love each other and are emotionally intimate.**

**This is a long chapter. Enjoy & review!**

Alex woke up early, feeling safe and warm and surprised to find she was holding someone's hand. She tried to remember if she had ever woken up like this before, but the only thing she could think of was when she had been a little girl and had climbed into bed to snuggle with her mother in the mornings when her father was on business trips. She smiled at the memory.

When she let go of Olivia's hand and shifted to get out of bed, everything came back to her - the physical pain of her stitches and the still fresh bruises between her legs, Robert and her messed up life, the embarrassing nightmare she'd had in the middle of the night that had woken up Olivia and frightened her. She sighed and rubbed her eyes, her face flushing with the thought of how exposed and vulnerable she'd been the past few days. Today was a day to reassert some independence.

She climbed out of bed carefully to avoid waking Olivia, and began to get dressed, putting on black pants from her favorite suit and a black top with three-quarter length sleeves. She frowned as she realized she hadn't packed a long-sleeved black shirt, so she would have to cover up the fading ligature marks and bruises on her wrists with concealer.

After Alex tied up her hair in a twist and put on some makeup, carefully covering the marks on her wrist and her jaw, she slipped on some flats and put heels in her purse for when she arrived at the church. It was still early; she had time to get a coffee, walk fifteen blocks, and still get there early for rehearsal before the service. She wrote a note for Olivia and Casey and left it on the counter.

_Didn't want to wake you. 10 AM service at Good Shepard Presbyterian 152 West 66th St., then lunch and leading youth group. Will call when I'm done this afternoon. xx_

She was glad neither woman was awake as she slipped out the door. Aside from knowing that Casey shared being Catholic with Elliot, Alex had never heard Olivia discuss her own spiritual beliefs, and she had a feeling that her friend didn't really have any. Alex had grown up going to church on Christmas and Easter with her family, but had stopped going at some point during college, where most of her liberally-minded classmates had been suspicious of religious people. For some reason, religion seemed to mean judgmental ideologues, and Alex usually preferred to keep an open mind, judging people by their actions rather than assigning worth based on their beliefs.

During her time at SVU, Alex grew certain that there couldn't possibly be a God. The horrors she saw daily - and she knew she saw far less than Olivia - were the irrefutable proof that none existed. She couldn't find meaning in the suffering of children who were raped or prostituted out to their mothers' boyfriends, or women who were stalked and executed by jealous exes, or ambitious students who were taken advantage of and scarred for life at frat parties after a drink or two too many.

She had first sought out a church as Emily, when her mother died and she was living in the middle of nowhere, Wisconsin, unable to say goodbye. The day of her mother's funeral, she had called in sick to work, driven to a nearby church, and sat in a pew for most of the day. She'd silently cross-examined God, asking questions she couldn't ask anyone else, and praying for her old life back.

After she'd been there for a few hours, looking at the alter with tears sometimes streaming down her face, an older woman had sat down next to her and taken her hand.

_"My name is Maggie. I'm the associate pastor here," the woman finally said after ten minutes of silence. Maggie's face was soft, and her eyes warm. Her friendly, loving look reminded Alex of her mother, which made her start to cry all over again._

_"I don't normally go to church," Alex offered by way of explanation when she finally stopped crying._

_"May I ask what brings you here today?"_

_Alex opened her mouth to speak, but her face contorted in pain. The older woman put her hand on Alex's back to reassure her. "I've lost…" she began, searching for the right words. "Everything."_

_Maggie took her hands and held them, sitting in silence with Alex for a long time. "May I pray for you?" she finally asked._

_"I don't know how. Or where to start." Alex admitted, her pain quickly resurfacing on her face._

_"It's okay. You don't have to know how." She raised an eyebrow at Alex, who nodded in agreement, before Maggie began offering quiet prayers for love and healing. Alex closed her eyes and held on to Maggie's hands, and stayed like that until Maggie finished her prayer and pulled Alex into a hug._

_"Thank you," Alex murmured when she was able to speak again._

_"You don't have to thank me," Maggie replied. "Thank God. And promise me you'll come back sometime if you need to. Even if you don't normally go to church."_

_Alex nodded. "I'll see what I can do."_

It was two weeks before Alex mustered up the courage to go back to the church after her encounter with Maggie. She went on a Thursday after work, and sat in a dimly lit pew in the back for twenty minutes. She went again the following week. And then five days later. Each time, she sat for a few minutes, tried to cobble together a prayer, and left without speaking to anyone.

A month after she'd spent half a day praying and crying alone there, she decided to go to a Sunday service. It went against everything in her nature as a lawyer, a prosecutor, to set aside the logical and methodical for the spiritual. She mentally rebelled against asking questions she didn't already know the answer to; no good lawyer ever did that. But she wasn't a lawyer anymore, she reminded herself. She was just an insurance claims processor.

_"I thought I might eventually see you here on a Sunday," Maggie said, holding out her hands to take Alex's when she exited the church after the service. "It is when most people come, you know."_

_"I… I had to work up to it," Alex finally replied, and Maggie nodded in understanding. "I just moved here from Tulsa about two months ago, and I was a bit overwhelmed with everything." She paused. "I don't think I ever introduced myself. I'm Emily."_

Alex arrived, coffee in hand, at the Good Shepherd Presbyterian Church a few minutes early, and changed her shoes before entering and greeting her fellow ringers. She had first heard handbell players at Maggie's church, but had been whisked away for the Connors trial and relocated to Portland before she'd had a chance to try it herself. When she'd been in Charleston, most of the social activities in her town had centered around the local churches, and she chose one with a good music program so she'd have a chance to play.

Though she was relatively new to playing handbells, Alex was one of the better musicians in the group, and she took her spot at the end of the table. Each ringer played two bells, one in each hand, but she played the four highest notes: G6, A6, B6, and C7. The concept of handbell ringing was relatively simple: play your note when you were supposed to, and stop playing when you weren't supposed to. Alex's part was the most complex to play, not only because it was part of the melody and she had four bells and had to shift her wrist depending on whether she wanted to play one bell, the other, or both at the same time, but also because her bells, the highest notes, carried the most. If she screwed up, people could tell. Fortunately, she approached music like she approached court: with focus and precision.

Alex put on the pair of black gloves all ringers wore to protect their hands and grip the bells, and relaxed as she rehearsed with her group. Music invigorated her; it helped her take her mind off her cases and her problems, and she'd always played piano or her violin when she wanted to unwind or work through something. Thursday night rehearsals, which she rarely skipped if she could help it, had done wonders for her mental health, in Charleston and once she'd returned to New York and sought out a church in her own city. And she had been glad to play that weekend; she needed a break from thinking about anything to do with Robert. Like her work, her music was a part of herself she'd alluded to but never truly shared with him.

Which is why Alex was surprised, at the start of the service, to see him sitting on the end of a pew, looking directly at her, and smiling.

Alex started to shake when she noticed him, and throughout the whole prelude, she stared him down, keeping one eye on him, and dividing her other eye's attention between the music and the director, never missing a note. She shook harder and tried to take deep breaths as she filed in to her seat on the end of the first pew as the service started, and took her phone out to text Olivia.

_Robert's at the church. 20 rows back, right side of alter._

She received a reply almost immediately. _On my way with Casey. Munch and Fin will meet us there. Hang tight._

Alex continued to shake involuntarily, barely able to pay attention to the service or the singing, which she usually enjoyed. A hand rested on her arm, and Carol leaned over to ask if she was okay. Carol had already noticed her bare ring finger, but hadn't said anything.

Alex nodded, and when the group got up to play their second piece during the offertory, she took a deep breath, and relaxed when she noticed Munch and Fin standing at the back of the church. Olivia and Casey were standing at the end of of the side aisle where Alex's own seat was. Robert, unaware he was being watched, kept his eyes fixed on Alex, and she stared him down as she played.

Communion made Alex nervous. As she got up, took communion, and filed back to her seat, she realized that Robert could take the opportunity to come closer, to say something to her, to threaten her. And while Munch and Fin had his picture, they could only see the backs of the parishioners' heads, and wouldn't be able to get him until he exited the church. Olivia noticed the people moving and slowly started to make her way to the front of the aisle, keeping an eye on Alex as she scanned the moving crowd.

It happened in slow motion. He rounded the corner after taking communion, and leaned down, grabbing her face and pulling it in towards his own. "Please come home to me, Alexandra. Come home and make love to me," he whispered in her ear, grabbing her wrist. "The other night was so good, Alexandra. I want you. Come home."

Alex gasped at the pain on her face and her wrist, and tried to hold down the bile she felt rising in her throat. Carol pulled her back, away from him, but he leaned in for a kiss. Olivia had been watching closely, but with the line of people filing back to their seats, she hadn't noticed him leaning down until it was too late. She rushed to Alex's side, grabbing Robert's arm.

"Please come with me, sir, and don't make a scene. You're under arrest for violating the order of protection." Olivia said under her breath. She preferred to usher him out of the church to arrest him outside, rather than cuffing him in front of hundreds of people in a house of God. He swung around and punched her, just as Munch and Fin arrived to each grab one arm and take him outside.

As he was taken out, Casey arrived at Alex's side, dispersing the onlookers and putting an arm around a shaking Alex to comfort her. She had joined the end of the communion line, using it as an opportunity both to assuage her own guilt for missing church that morning and to get to the front of the church, to Alex.

Casey rubbed her back and gently encouraged her to take deep breaths. "Munch and Fin are going to take him in. Liv will be back in a minute. Just breathe, Alex, okay?" she reassured her, realizing that Alex would be more easily comforted by the other woman.

Carol moved over to allow Casey to enter the pew, and Casey pulled out a hymninal, held it in front of her and Alex, and began to sing. _"Oh, Christ the healer, we have come to pray for health, to plead for friends. How can we fail to be restored when reached by love that never ends?"_

By the time they reached the last verse, Alex's breathing had slowed, and Casey put the hymn book back and sat down, while Alex filed up to play the last piece of the service.

Aside from the fact that her eyes were a it puffy from the few tears that had managed to escape, nobody who didn't know Alex Cabot or who hadn't witnessed the encounter would ever be able to tell that she was upset. She appeared perfectly composed, as she always did in court, as she had even at the Connors trial, the outcome of which her life had depended on. Casey noticed that her breathing was still off, and that she shook her bells more vigorously than the other ringers, but only Olivia, who had made her way back to Alex's pew, could see all of the emotions in her clear blue eyes.

The service ended with a benediction, and Alex came back to her spot in the pew, where Casey and Olivia were waiting. Olivia reached out to touch Alex's hand, to reassure her, but Alex didn't let herself be comforted. She was afraid that if she showed any vulnerability, she would break down, which she didn't want to do with hundreds of people milling around exiting the church.

"That was beautiful," Casey commented, pointing at the bells as Alex filed back in. "I've never heard handbells before."

Handbells were an English instrument, common in Protestant churches but never in Catholic churches, as far as Alex knew. "Thank you. It's fun to play," Alex struggled to get the words out without showing her emotions.

Olivia sensed her discomfort and leaned in. "Alex, is there somewhere private we can go? Why don't you take Casey and tell her what happened, and I'll get statements from the people who were standing around you." She gestured to the women who had been sitting next to and directly behind Alex.

Alex nodded and pointed to the front of the church at a door next to the chapel. "That's a stairwell. There's a bathroom in there, up one flight. Nobody will be there." Casey followed her in.

"I'll come meet you in a few minutes, okay?"

Alex started shaking again as soon as the door had closed behind them. She had broken down in front of Olivia before, even before she had gone into Witsec, after the Sam Cavanaugh case, after the Cheryl Avery case, after the Connors trial, but this was the first time she thought she might cry in front of someone else from the DA's office. She trusted Casey, as a prosecutor and as a friend, enough to handle her case with sensitivity and discretion, but trusting her with her tears and her fear was another matter entirely. She could count on one hand the number of people who had ever seen her like that in her life, and most of them had known her when she was very young.

The bathroom was secluded, and relatively clean, and Alex had discovered it by accident when she had looked for an easier way to get up to the second floor one day after rehearsal. It was the closest bathroom to the sanctuary, but because it didn't connect to the theater or the church's classrooms, few people knew of its existence, and nobody went there after the service.

As soon as the door was locked behind them, Alex rushed over to the sink and vomited up her coffee. Casey pulled out a few paper towels and wet them, handing them to Alex before putting her hand on her back.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Casey asked softly.

Alex held up her index finger, silently asking Casey to wait as she vomited into the sink again, and rinsed the sink and her mouth out with water.

"Sorry," she murmured, putting her hand on her stomach to see if she could speak without puking.

"It's okay, take your time." Casey reassured her.

"He's never come here before. He knows I go to church every other week, but I don't think I ever told him which church, and there are hundreds in Manhattan." Casey nodded, and Alex explained how she had seen Robert at the beginning of the service, that he had watched her, smiled at her, and then grabbed her arm and her face and kissed her when he passed by during communion. She started to shake and cry as she told Casey what Robert had said to her, and Casey pulled her into a hug.

Downstairs, Carol and the woman from the second pew corroborated Alex's story, about noticing that the blonde had been preoccupied from when they started playing bells, to her shaking during the service, to her distress when Robert had pulled her in and kissed her. None of the witnesses had heard what he'd whispered in her ear, but they all recognized Robert from his picture. He had never been there before, as far as they knew, although they knew Alex had been engaged.

"What did he do to her?" Carol asked Olivia after the others had left. "I noticed this morning that she wasn't wearing her ring, and I think I saw a mark on her arm. She tried to cover it up with makeup, but the gloves rubbed some of it off, and more came off when he grabbed her."

"I appreciate your concern, but I can't comment on an open police matter," Olivia offered, hoping the woman would accept her answer. She seemed to care about Alex.

"I understand. But if Special Victims is involved…"

"Ma'am, Alex used to work with Special Victims, and she's my friend. My squad is involved because we're used to handling cases where discretion is required. And since she's an employee of the District Attorney's office, we're trying to keep the investigation discrete to maintain her privacy. That's all." She hoped her answer would satisfy the woman's curiosity. The last thing she wanted to do was out Alex as a rape victim.

"Are you going to check on her?" Carol asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to give these statements to the Assistant District Attorney who is handling the case and check on Alex, who is with her."

"Alex usually comes to brunch with us across the street after church. We'll understand if she can't make it, but please tell her we hope she comes. It might help her take her mind off things. We stay there until 1 or 2 drinking coffee, so don't rush. And please feel free to join us as well, Detective. Any friend of Alex's is a friend of ours."

"Thank you. I'll make sure she gets the invitation."

Olivia looked around one more time before going up the stairs to knock on the bathroom door one flight up.

"Case, Lex, it's me," she said softly. "Can I come in?"

She waited as the door was unlocked, and was surprised to find Casey holding Alex, whose eyes were still wet and puffy with tears. Olivia knew if Alex was crying in front of Casey, it must be really bad.

Olivia put down the notepad she had used to collect the witness statements, and wrapped an arm around Alex's back. Casey pulled away and put Alex's arm around Olivia, effectively shifting Alex's hug to her. Olivia looked at Casey questioningly.

Casey took the notepads, and put her hand on Alex's shoulder. "I'm going to leave you with Liv, and go in with these statements and try to personally see to it that he gets locked up for the night, at least. Steele's on today, and I'm _not_ handing this off to him."

"Thank you, Casey. For everything. I mean it." Alex truly appreciated the fact that Jim Steele wouldn't be finding out about her mess today. Or ever, if she could help it.

"Don't mention it. I'll call you and let you know how it goes." Casey replied, gathering her things and turning to unlock the door.

"And Casey?"

"Yeah?" She looked back over her shoulder at Alex.

"If anyone ever asks, you will deny, under oath, that you ever saw me cry. Are we clear?"

Casey smiled. "I didn't see anyone cry. Liv, did you see anyone cry?"

"Nope, not me."

"Good. I don't want any defense attorneys hearing any rumors that I've gone soft."

"Alex, I don't think any of them would believe it." Casey winked and opened the door. "I'll keep you both posted."

"One more thing. The tie. He was wearing it. Get it to Warner." She held out her wrist so Casey knew what she meant.

Casey's eyes widened and she shook her head. "I'll get it, Alex," she promised. "Sick fuck," she said under her breath as she exited the bathroom and went downstairs.

Once she had gone, Olivia locked the door behind her and held Alex tight. Alex felt another wave of sobs hit her, and her whole body shook as Olivia rocked her and soothed her, running her fingers through her hair. "They got him. You're safe. You're with me, and you're safe. It's going to be okay, Lex," she repeated, over and over, as she held her friend.

"I can't… I couldn't… In front of Casey… she saw…"

Olivia shushed her. "I'm sorry, sweetie, I should have come up here with you and let her talk to the people downstairs. I shouldn't have left you alone. I should have known you wouldn't want to cry in front of Casey."

"No… right thing… police… take statements." She hiccuped.

Olivia understood. Alex knew that this case had to be by the book if they wanted to put Robert away for a long time. And that meant that the police had to investigate and take statements. Involving Casey in the investigative process was asking for trouble.

"Shh, Lex, don't talk, just breathe."

"Thanks for taking care of me, Olivia. I'm sorry I'm such a mess," Alex murmured after a few minutes.

"Lex, I care about you. You're my friend. Of course I'm going to help you through a rough time. You have nothing to apologize for."

"I just… Liv, I feel like I'm falling apart."

"It's okay to feel like that. And I already told you, we're going to find the pieces and put you back together, together." She looked Alex in the eyes and wiped the tears off her cheeks. "You're going to be okay. It'll take a while, but we'll get you there. And you're not alone. You've got me. And you've got Liz, and Casey, and Elliot, and Munch, and Fin, and Cragen. Okay? We're going to get you through this. _I'm_ going to get you through this."

"I didn't know he was capable of this."

"I know you didn't, sweetie. A lot of abusive men don't show their true colors until they think they've 'sealed the deal.' This isn't on you for not noticing. This is all _his_ fault."

"I know. But he came to my _church_ and made me feel vulnerable and exposed in front of all those people. And I _hate_ feeling like that."

"I know you do, Lex." Olivia paused. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't think anyone noticed how you were feeling while you were playing. I know you _felt_ vulnerable, but you _looked_ composed, like you do in court, and as far as I could tell, you played everything perfectly. So it was just a few people who saw what happened when he grabbed you. And _anyone_ would have been shaken by what he did."

Alex nodded. Olivia could tell she was unconvinced by her argument, but she decided to let it go. Even a few people seeing Alex vulnerable was too many.

When she felt Alex finally start to breathe normally and relax, Olivia pulled back a little, and looked at Alex. The makeup on her face was smeared, her eyes were red and puffy, and she had taken out her hair. Olivia still thought she looked beautiful, but knew Alex would never go out in public without cleaning up first.

"How are you doing? What do you need right now?" Olivia asked, noticing that Alex was starting to look restless but seemed unsure about something. "Your friend from bells said they'd be across the street for a long time, if you feel up to joining them. Or we can go home, or take a walk, or whatever you want."

Alex looked at her watch. The service had started at 10, and lasted just over an hour. It wasn't even noon, and Alex already felt exhausted.

"I think I don't want him to take anything else away from me, today or any other day," Alex declared. She pulled out of Olivia's embrace and looked in the mirror, surveying the damage to her hair and makeup.

"Okay. What's the plan?"

"First, I need to get cleaned up. I have some makeup and a brush in my purse." She splashed water on her face, then opened the bag and pulled out her makeup, and hesitated. This was another first for her, doing her makeup in front of someone else. Olivia had seen at her worst. She'd seen her not made up at all. But for some reason, applying her makeup in front of Olivia seemed strangely intimate. Fortunately, it only took a few minutes for her to apply a light coat, just enough to blend the bruise on her face and the spots under her puffy eyes, and go over the marks on her wrists.

She ran the brush through her hair, opting to leave it down, and cleaned her glasses, which she'd taken off at some point because they fogged up when she cried. She put them back on, and exchanged the heels for the flats she had worn on her walk. Somehow, wearing flats to a church service seemed wrong, like wearing them for court would be. But now that she was just going to lunch and to lead teenagers in an ethics discussion, she thought she could relax a bit.

When she finished slipping on her shoes, she looked at Olivia.

"Feel a bit better now?" Olivia asked. Alex nodded, still quiet. "What do you want to do now?"

"Next, I need to pee. And I don't need moral support for that." Alex smiled as she unlocked the bathroom door so Olivia would leave. "Then, I think I need 15 minutes to myself, just to collect my thoughts. And _then, _I'm going to go to the diner for lunch and continue with the day I had planned."

"Okay," Olivia agreed, unsure of where she figured in all of these plans, or what her friend still needed from her. "How about this: I'll give you 20 minutes, and head over to the diner for a cup of coffee. When you get there, I'll go run my errands, unless you need me. Does that sound okay?"

"You can stay for lunch with us, Liv. I just wasn't sure if lunch with church ladies was your thing."

"As long as it's okay with you," Olivia offered, not wanting to intrude. "But only because Carol invited me first." She winked, and took Alex's phone to set the alarm. "I'm setting your alarm for 25 minutes. That should give you enough time to pee, do whatever you need to do, and walk over to the diner. I'm going to set _my_ alarm for 25 minutes, and order you an omelette and some coffee when it rings. And if you're not there, I'm going to come find you to make sure you're okay. Okay?"

Alex nodded, and pointed to the door. "Okay, but now I _really_ have to pee. I'll see you in a bit. I promise."

Olivia gave her a quick hug, and without thinking, pressed a kiss into her temple. "It'll be okay, Lex. I'll see you in a bit."

As Olivia closed the door behind her and walked down the stairs to the diner across the street, she let go of the breath she'd been holding since she'd seen Robert grab Alex in the church, and wondered why she had just kissed Alex. The blonde hadn't seemed bothered by the show of affection, but she was confused by her own actions. She chalked it up to her own vulnerability: not being able to protect Alex from a second attack that happened right in front of her, her complicated, unresolved, non-breakup with Jenna, her feelings about revealing Sealview to Alex, her elation that Alex was her friend again, even if the circumstances surrounding her return were nothing less than heartbreaking… Olivia could think of a dozen reasons why she was an emotional mess too, and in no position to be making advances on her straight, emotionally fragile friend. She took a walk around the block of her own before heading into to the diner.

After Olivia left the bathroom, Alex sat down on the toilet, breathing in and out a few times before looking in the mirror to make sure she was presentable. When she finally slipped out of the bathroom, she headed up one more flight of stairs, to an empty room with a piano, and she sat down to play and clear her head.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Alright, my first foray into a little smut is in this chapter, although it isn't AO yet. All of my knowledge of smut writing and lesbian sex comes from reading AO fanfic, so please bear with me!**

**And thanks to all those who left kind reviews, especially IBME. Everything I know about sexual assault comes from SVU (and fanfic, and my nightmares/overactive imagination), and I definitely do want to treat this topic with the respect it deserves. Please let me know if I don't so I can revise and learn.**

**Enjoy & review! **

When Olivia entered the diner, she immediately recognized the short, gray haired woman sitting at a larger table with several other churchgoers.

"Detective," Carol said, motioning to two empty seats she had saved at the table. "She decided not to come? I suppose that's understandable."

"Carol, please, it's Olivia. And she's coming. She just needed a few minutes first. I gave her 20 minutes and told her if she's not here to eat the omelette I'm ordering for her, I would go looking for her."

Carol smiled. "I'm glad. I wouldn't have been surprised if she'd wanted to get out of here."

"She's tough. I think she didn't want him to ruin her day."

Carol nodded. "She stared him down the whole time we played. Never took her eyes off him. I don't know how she followed the music."

Olivia laughed. "That's Alex. I was standing in the back for the second piece, and I saw the look. She usually saves that look for defense attorneys."

"Well, if that's what the scum of New York City are up against, I feel much safer."

"Don't we all," Olivia replied.

"I'm sorry, I'm being rude. This is my partner, Marie," Carol said, pointing to the woman next to her. Olivia kept her expression neutral, but was glad that Alex's church seemed open and accepting. "Don't be surprised, Olivia," Carol admonished. "Not all Christian churches are homophobic. Jesus's message was one of love."

"Of course," Olivia sputtered, surprised that Carol had been able to read her face. "I just don't have a lot of experience with churches, is all."

Carol continued introducing the people around the table. "This is Mark, who plays with us, and his wife, Nicole, who sings in the choir. And Stacey, and Jane, who both play with us as well."

"Nice to meet you all," Olivia said, smiling and shaking each person's hand. "I'm Olivia Benson, with the NYPD. I used to work with Alex. The music today was beautiful. I've never heard a handbell choir before." She was deliberately vague, wanting to avoid getting into the details of her job with civilians.

"She's the one who dragged Alex's ex out of church by the ear today," Carol said, laughing. "It looks like he got you good, too," she continued, pointing to a bruise that was forming on her jaw. "Did you put some ice on that?"

"This little thing? I've been hit a _lot_ harder. And I got him a lot worse once we got outside. Resisting arrest, you know. There were witnesses." Olivia winked.

"What was he arrested for?" Mark asked. While the women in the group understood the subtext of some kind of abuse, Mark's mind went to other kinds of offenses, like drugs or bar fights.

"He violated a temporary order of protection," Olivia explained, not wanting to get into why it was filed. "It ordered him to stay at least 500 feet away from Alex at all times. Now, if he had just gone to the church, it would have been hard to arrest him for that, because he could have just claimed that he felt like going to church. But since he actually approached her and intimidated her inside the church, we're hoping they'll at least keep him overnight until we can arrest him on other charges."

Mark opened his mouth to ask a followup question, and Olivia was grateful to see the name Casey Novak light up on her caller ID.

"Excuse me, I have to take this phone call," she said. "I'll be right back… _Benson." _Olivia stepped outside the door to get some privacy.

_"Hi Liv, it's Casey. Is Alex with you? I just tried to call her and she didn't answer."_

_"No, she told me she wanted 20 minutes to herself, so I'm waiting with some of her church friends at a diner across the street. She has…" Olivia looked at her watch. "8 minutes left before I go looking for her."_

_"OK, I'll just tell you and you can pass it along, okay? Petrovsky is holding him 24 hours. It seems as though he's having a bit of trouble finding legal representation in New York, so for now, he's exercising his right to represent himself. Didn't want some 'fleabag legal aide attorney,' as he so nicely put it. Munch and Fin got the tie to CSU, and they found skin cells and a drop of blood on it, which Warner is going to test. She thinks she'll have the results from the rape kit tomorrow, so that should be enough to indict and at least keep him a little longer. I'm not sure if a judge will hold him without bail, though, so we can't count on him being held longer than tomorrow." _Casey paused.

_"I want to get a tech team into the apartment later this afternoon to see if we can find any evidence of the birth control tampering. Can you and Alex meet me there so she can show the techs where to look?"_

_"Let me check with her and get back to you, but I'm sure she'll think that's a good idea. I'll let you know what time. Anything else?" _Olivia replied.

_"There's one other thing… and I think you should be the one to tell her," _Casey said hesitatingly. She doubted Alex would want her to see her cry again.

_"Case, what is it?"_

_"Liv, Warner got some preliminary results from the sheets that were taken off the bed. There were some dark pubic hairs and multiple samples of semen, which Warner assumed are Robert's. And there were some blonde pubic hairs, vaginal fluids, and blood, which she assumed are Alex's."_

_"Well, that's about what we expected. What aren't you telling me?"_

Casey took a deep breath. _"Warner also found two other, unknown samples of vaginal fluids."_

_"The bastard was cheating on her, too."_

Casey winced. _"That's what I was thinking," _she agreed._ "And that's probably what happened. We'll have to identify the DNA to be sure, and that will take a few days, at least, or longer if they're not in the system. But I think, given her… reading materials… that we should consider all possibilities before we go to court. I don't want to get sandbagged." _She added the last sentence quickly, sensing Olivia's anger.

Olivia looked around to make sure nobody was listening and Alex wasn't walking up the sidewalk towards her, before lowering her voice. _"Casey, are you asking me to ask her if she's secretly having lesbian affairs and bringing lovers home with her? Are you _really_ asking me that?"_

_"Look, Liv…"_

_"Hold on. Since I'm 125% certain she's _not_ having an affair, here's what we're going to do. First, we're going to ask Alex and the cleaning lady who changed the sheets, and when, and figure out what kind of timeline we're looking at, and who else may have had access to the bed. Maybe the _cleaning lady_ is having a lesbian affair. Then, Munch and Fin are going to get a timeline from Robert on when he was home, and dump his LUDS to see who he's been calling. You should have enough evidence for that now. _Then_, and only then, if none of that turns anything up, I'll ask her."_

Casey sighed. _"You're right. I'm jumping to conclusions. There's no reason to think that it would be her. I'm sorry. I'll get the guys on that."_

_"Case, I get it, and if it were any other victim, I'd ask the question. But it's not any victim, it's Alex, and she's already fragile. So let's just make sure we have to ask before we do, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"But I'll talk to her about the other thing, and let you know what time we can meet you."_

Olivia hung up, and noticed that her timer had gone off and a new text from Alex had arrived. "Leaving now. Be there in 5." She went back into the diner and ordered Alex's omelette and another cup of coffee. Just as she was finished adding the cream and sugar, Alex arrived, and slid into the seat next to her, looking slightly more relaxed and refreshed.

"Feeling better, hun?" Carol asked, reaching across the table to touch Alex's arm.

Alex smiled. It was her polite courtroom smile, not her genuine, happy smile, but her friends didn't seem to notice the difference. "A bit," she conceded. "Thanks for the coffee, Liv. Did Casey call? I saw she called me but I didn't call her back."

Olivia knew Alex wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't okay for her to briefly summarize the more benign details of their conversation. "I just got off the phone with her, actually. Petrovsky locked him up until tomorrow. And it seems as though he's having trouble finding adequate legal representation in New York County. I can't imagine why," Olivia said, smirking.

"Why? Because he won't hire anyone who's not the best, and Casey already told me Langan blacklisted him." Alex laughed and smiled, and this time, Olivia could tell it was genuine. "But enough about this mess. Surely we have more interesting things to discuss."

"Like Alexandra Cabot having a life and friends outside of work? And changing the topic _away _from work at lunch? I never thought I'd see the day," Olivia said, a hint of teasing in her voice.

"Just one of the many skills I picked up in Witsec," Alex retorted, immediately regretting that she had referenced her 'time away' in front of her church friends. They knew she had left New York for a few years and had recently returned, but she had never been forthcoming about the details of her absence. She didn't know if they had read about her death in the paper.

"So, church, handbells, having a life… what else?"

"Yoga. Cooking without setting my stove on fire. Shopping at the Gap. Even gardening. I had a garden in Wisconsin, and one in Portland. Things I don't have time do do when I'm working 80 hours a week."

"You'll have to tell me about what it's like to have 'hobbies' sometime," Olivia said, smiling and pulling money out of her wallet for her coffee and lunch. "But for now, I'm going to run and do some errands before we meet Casey tonight. You going to be okay?"

"I'll be alright. Thanks for coming. And for checking up on me." She blushed. "I'm just moderating a youth group debate on the death penalty this afternoon. Should be fun."

"Are you going to tell them about the time you told our perp you'd be answering the phone from the Governor's mansion to turn down his request for a reprieve?"

"Uh, no," Alex replied, laughing. "Although I _am_ planning on bringing up the question of gender equality in capital recommendations." She looked at her friends, explaining. "A few years ago, I sought a recommendation from the capital committee on a case where a woman had killed 4 men and claimed self-defense each time. Unfortunately, the DA didn't want to make that the first capital conviction of a woman in the state of New York, so we didn't end up seeking the death penalty."

"We had a case recently where this guy was raping 11 year old girls, and Louisiana wanted to extradite him, because raping a child under 12 is a capital offense there. Ask them what they think about that."

"What happened?" Alex asked.

"Guy was an unmedicated schizophrenic who _wanted_ to be extradited when he realized what he'd done. He'd been doing it because he'd seen his sister get raped when he was younger. I wanted to hand him over to the Feds, but Casey got him a 730 hearing and he was declared incompetent to stand trial and couldn't be extradited. He's still in Belleview."

Alex pressed into her temple and shook her head. "You sure you don't want to stick around for the debate? SVU cases are good material."

"No, and you don't need me to talk about SVU cases, either. I'm going to run some errands. Leave catching the perps to me, and I'll leave the political debates to you." Olivia stood up and put on her jacket. "It was nice to meet all of you. Have a good afternoon."

As soon as Olivia was out of sight, she pulled her cellphone out of her pocket and dialed a familiar number.

"Jenna? It's Olivia. Listen, before you say anything, you should know that there are some things I haven't told you, and I think I wasn't totally honest with you about the reasons I broke up with you. I think we should talk and figure out what to do." She held her breath, waiting for the sigh on the other end and an invitation. "Okay, I'll be there in 10 minutes."

Olivia could hear her heart pounding as she took the elevator up to Jenna's apartment and thought about what she was going to say. Alex was right. Jenna deserved to hear the whole story from her. To be given a chance to be supportive. Olivia hadn't been fair to her in the first place, focusing on fun dates and systematically avoiding all talk of the terrible things she saw at work and the darker parts of her past. She didn't need to tell Jenna _everything_ about herself today - just enough to show that she trusted her. Enough to see that Jenna could handle some of her darkness.

Jenna opened the door and pulled her inside for a kiss, wrapping her arms around the detective under her leather jacket. _Off to a good start,_ Olivia thought, as she kissed the shorter, younger woman back. _She doesn't hate me for being indecisive._

"Hey," Olivia finally said, smiling, when they broke the kiss to breathe. "I'm happy to see you, too. And I take it that means I haven't _completely_ fucked this up?"

Jenna laughed. "Alex told me last night not to give up hope on you yet. And we've had too much fun together these last few months to just throw it all away." She smiled seductively. "And I'm _hoping_, after we talk, that we can try a _different_ kind of fun…"

Olivia gulped. That wasn't what she'd had in mind when she'd called, but her breath hitched as she thought about finally undressing the woman in front of her and putting her own insecurities to rest. It would reassure both of them, she thought, after she'd told Jenna what had happened to her.

"Let's sit down," Olivia suggested, motioning towards the couch. She left some space between her and the other woman, but pointed her knees towards her and looked into Jenna's eyes. Olivia opened her mouth, faltering, and decided to start with the easier stuff. "I'm sorry we put you on the spot last night. We're not used to going out with non-colleagues, and we tend to talk about work too much."

"Last night was fine," Jenna said. "They all seem nice. Although the conversation was a bit morbid. Bringing Alex back to the bar where she was shot and gossiping about her fiancé who raped her?"

"First of all, it was her decision to go there, and we talked about it first. We were there for moral support. She's just getting her life back after being gone for three years, and it was really hard on her. Second, Alex knows that my squad is doing everything they can to kick Robert's ass and put him in jail for a _very_ long time."

Olivia paused. This conversation was definitely not going the way she'd wanted it to. If Jenna had trouble understanding why Alex would need to visit the place where she'd been shot, or why she'd want to talk about what had happened to her… Maybe Casey had been right after all. Maybe there _was_ a subconscious reason she hadn't discussed anything serious with Jenna.

"Jenna, listen. I _have_ had a lot of fun with you these last few months. And I hope we can keep having fun together. But if we're going to be in a relationship, I need you to know now that it's not all fun with me." She looked for Jenna's reaction, but her face remained neutral. "I work really tough cases. I get personally involved. I'm affected when children are hurt. I get called out in the middle of the night to talk to rape victims, and I hold their hand while they tell me about the worst thing that's ever happened to them. I've been shielding you from it so far, because I know you're not used to dealing with the same things I am. And I need to know you're going to be able to handle me when I've been chasing a child molester for 72 hours with no sleep and I come home crying because we were too late to save his last victim."

Jenna nodded slowly, looking serious. "I can try, Olivia, but you're going to have to give me time to get used to the idea."

"Of course. I just feel like we hardly ever talk about anything serious, and I want to make sure we can talk about difficult things before we take the next step. Because sometimes, I _need_ to talk about what happens at work and cry or be angry about my cases."

"I understand," Jenna said. Olivia was quiet, and Jenna, assuming she was done with her serious talk, leaned over and pulled her into a hot kiss, pushing her tongue into Olivia's mouth and grazing her fingertips down Olivia's side until she cupped her breast. Olivia was surprised by Jenna's forwardness, but took it as a good sign that she hadn't flinched at the intimate touch.

She ended the kiss and pulled back, cupping her hand on Jenna's cheek and looking her in the eye. "There's one more thing I have to tell you about." She took a deep breath, and tried to keep her voice steady. "A few months ago, during a case I was working, I was sexually assaulted. A man tried to force himself into my mouth. My partner got there just in time to stop him." She couldn't read Jenna's expression.

"Okay," Jenna offered, unsure of what to say. Olivia knew not everyone had her skills at putting people at ease, but she wished Jenna would offer a bit of reassurance.

"I'm just saying I may need to take it a bit slow. I haven't been intimate with anyone since," Olivia explained, blushing and looking down at her hands on her lap.

Jenna leaned in with another deep kiss, and started running her hands up and down Olivia's back and sides. "Well I guess it's a good thing that I'm not a man," she explained.

"I guess so," Olivia said, glad Jenna wasn't making a big deal of her assault. She was getting _very_ turned on, and it felt so good to finally be in a position where she wanted to have sex.

"Jenna," she said, her breath speeding up. "I've only got a few hours. I can't stay over tonight because I have to go pick up some things at Alex's old apartment with Casey. I have to leave at 5:30."

Jenna kept kissing her. "It's okay. I can't wait anymore."

Olivia pushed Jenna back onto the couch and tugged at the collar of her shirt, putting her mouth on Jenna's pulse point and swirling her tongue down her collarbone. Jenna gasped. Olivia quickly unbuttoned her shirt and pulled it off, dropping it on the floor, and slid a right hand under Jenna's bra to kneed her breast.

Jenna pulled her up and walked backwards to the bedroom, where Olivia removed her bra and laid her down on the bed. She opened her mouth and started kissing all over Jenna's responsive body, pausing to tease each nipple with her tongue and to lick under her navel as she undid the button on Jenna's jeans, and pulled off her pants and her panties.

She looked up at Jenna's face for approval before spreading Jenna's legs and kissing the inside of her thighs and behind her knees.

Olivia took a deep breath before she continued. _I can do this_, she thought, sticking out her tongue. _This is nothing like what he did to me. I'm _good_ at this. I'm in control here._

She touched a finger to Jenna's entrance, spreading around the moisture before swirling her tongue around Jenna's clit, and latching on with her mouth. Normally, she would draw it out, teasing her lover and bringing her to the edge over and over before letting her climax, but today, she just wanted to prove to herself that she still had it in her. She had barely registered how nervous she was until she was kissing her way down Jenna's body, and though she didn't want to stop, she also knew she wasn't emotionally ready for extended lovemaking.

_Besides_, she thought, _I'll have plenty of time ease Jenna in to lesbian sex and multiple orgasms. I'm sure for her first time she'll be happy even if I don't take too long._

Olivia pushed two fingers into Jenna, curling them forward as she sucked hard on Jenna's clit. Jenna arched her back, crying out Olivia's name, and Olivia slowed her fingers and rubbed her thumb over the sensitive spot until Jenna's breathing slowed.

She crawled up Jenna's body and pulled her in close, wiping her fingers on the sheets and kissing Jenna deeply.

"That was incredible," Jenna murmured. "Nobody's ever… I've never felt like that before."

"It was my pleasure," Olivia whispered back, smiling. "And there's plenty more where that came from. Welcome to sleeping with a woman."

After Jenna recovered, she pushed Olivia onto her back, and began removing her clothes and kissing her way down her body. Olivia's eyes widened as Jenna pushed her thighs apart, and she willed herself not to flash back to the almost daily invasive pat-downs and cavity searches she had endured at the women's prison.

_Calm down, Benson, this is _consensual _sex, not a cavity search,_ she pep-talked.

"Jenna, you don't have to, you know… not right away," she tried to reassure her new, inexperienced lover.

"Oh, but I want to," Jenna murmured against her nipple. "I've been doing my homework."

Olivia gasped and closed her eyes as she felt a finger teasing her entrance and circling her clit. She reached for a hand, and tangled her fingers in Jenna's hair, willing herself to relax, and trying to stay grounded, connected to the present moment.

She opened her eyes and sat up suddenly, pulling Jenna's mouth away from her body by her hair. "Jenna, I think I'm not as ready for this as I thought," Olivia choked out, tears forming in her eyes.

Jenna put a hand on her chest, gently trying to push Olivia back down towards the bed. "Shh," she whispered. "Sure you are. It'll be okay. Just relax and let go," she soothed.

Olivia allowed herself to be pushed back down, and she closed her eyes, willing her body to relax as Jenna kissed her way back down her body and went back to what she had been doing. _Jenna is gentle. She's not going to hurt me. It'll be okay._

The more Olivia felt the pressure building between her legs, the more she tried to reassure herself that it was okay. Her breath quickened as her internal battle raged. _It'll be over soon. _Her eyes snapped open and she shifted suddenly, dislodging a confused Jenna. "Stop. Please, I need you to stop," Olivia said, tears forming in her eyes as she quickly made her way to the edge of the bed and tried to cover herself and get dressed. "I'm sorry. I'm not ready for this. I'm so sorry."

A look of hurt, then of anger flashed across Jenna's face, and Olivia understood. She hadn't truly wanted it, she had been trying to purge Harris's assault from her body by replacing it with her own: forcing herself to submit to something that she desperately wanted to enjoy but that had gave her little pleasure. She had wanted to prove she still had it, that she still liked it, that she was still desirable. She had wanted to prove that she hadn't thought of Jenna only as a fun distraction, but as a serious, fulfilling relationship.

Somewhere along the line, she realized that Jenna had been so focused on trying to give her physical pleasure that she had completely neglected her lover's emotional state. She hadn't offered any support or understanding when Olivia had talked about the perils of her job, or pressed for more information about the assault. Jenna had treated their serious talk as an obstacle to sex, something that had to be gotten out of the way before they could get naked together for the first time.

And once she had begun touching Olivia, Jenna had been oblivious to her lover's distress. Jenna hadn't taken her fears or her hesitations seriously; she hadn't tried to put her at ease or initiated a conversation about her limits or her triggers, or sought to reassure her. These were things Olivia would have done if her own partner had been an assault victim. Olivia knew she couldn't expect everyone to be as sensitive to victims as she was, and she knew she could have started the difficult conversations herself, but she realized, suddenly, in the middle of sex, that Jenna herself was the reason she hadn't talked about the assault before.

Olivia hadn't intended to have sex with Jenna if she hadn't planned on continuing the relationship. But Jenna wanted fun, not emotional and difficult. And Olivia couldn't expose herself, make herself physically vulnerable to someone who at best, was oblivious to, and at worse, willfully ignored her emotional vulnerability.

Jenna looked crestfallen as she sat, naked, on the edge of her bed. "I know I haven't done this before, and I'm sorry if it wasn't good, but…"

Olivia interrupted her, not wanting to be cruel. "Jenna, look at me. This isn't about you, and it doesn't mean your skills are lacking. It's about me, and my assault, and the fact that I've been trying to force myself to be ready for a physical relationship when clearly, I'm not. I'm not what you need right now, and I think I need to be alone right now, to heal. It wasn't fair of me to do this to you, and I'm sorry, but I really have to go. Please know I didn't mean for it to turn out like this."

She kissed Jenna softly on the cheek, grabbed her coat and walked as fast as she could, out of the apartment and down 78th Street towards Central Park. Olivia took the long way to her thinking spot, a secluded rock overlooking a stream where she went to think about difficult cases, and when she finally sat down, she pulled her knees up to her chest and cried.

After her first round of crying, she sent a text message to Casey. _You were right about Jenna. It's over._

Olivia touched her forehead to her knees and rocked herself back and forth.

She didn't know how long she had been sitting there when she felt a presence beside her, and then an arm around her back.

"Casey," she said, wiping her tears on her sleeve and lifting up her head.

"Liv, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"I called her, to talk. Tell her about Sealview. Then we tried to, but I couldn't… I mean, I could, but I freaked out when _she_ did, and she didn't even notice. And _then_ she thought I was upset because she wasn't good, and I had to explain that that wasn't it, and that it's me who's fucked up."

"Liv, it's not your fault." Casey murmured, rubbing her back.

"It's my fault for getting into bed with her when I should have known I wasn't ready. But it's been 9 fucking months. I should be ready. I wasn't even raped."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Olivia. You came really close to being raped, and I can't imagine how scary it must have been for you in that basement. You can't put a timeline on your recovery, or say that it 'should only' be so long because it wasn't something worse. You know that. You tell women that every single day."

"I know, Casey. She just… If it had been me, I would have made damn well sure she was okay, and comfortable, and that _everything_ I did was okay before I did it, and she didn't even have the courtesy to…"

"Shh, Liv, it's okay. I know you would have. But not everyone is as compassionate as you are, and not everyone can deal with other people's problems. I'm sorry."

"I think I wanted a distraction. I dated someone who was fun and carefree because I wanted to _be_ fun and carefree instead of hurt and lonely and screwed up."

"I dated someone like that after I broke up with Charlie," Casey said quietly. "It was fun. We did things together, went to museums, the park. We didn't fight. The sex was good. Lasted almost a year. At some point I realized we didn't fight because we didn't have anything to fight for. And he knew about Charlie, but I could never talk to him about him, or about our tough cases. I broke it off a few months after I'd started with SVU and I couldn't deal with not talking about how much some of our cases upset me. And he couldn't deal with me not wanting to have sex sometimes because of something horrible I'd dealt with in court."

Olivia nodded. "That's the worst part about this job sometimes, is that nobody gets it. I told her about that today too, that I'd shielded her from it so far but sometimes I'd need support during tough cases, and she brushed me off."

"I think there's a place for short, fun, distracting relationships with no emotional depth. Mine helped me heal, a little, and yours probably did too. We just both need something more than that, and neither of us has found it yet."

"Thanks, Casey. You didn't have to come down here, you know."

"You're welcome. And I know I didn't _have_ to come down here, but I thought you could use a friend. And I'm guessing you texted me and not Alex because she's had enough shit dumped on her this weekend, am I right?"

Olivia smiled. "You know me too well." She looked at her watch. "That, and she's probably just finishing up her church youth group death penalty debate right about now. She said she'd be done around 4." Casey raised an eyebrow. "Don't ask."

"I called her before I came over here."

"Case, I didn't want her to have to deal with this, _and_ Robert, _and _the search of her apartment… it's too much for one person in one weekend."

"I know that, but you know as well as I do that she'd be able to read it on your face as soon as she saw you. I figured that this way, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Casey pulled a plastic grocery bag out of her purse and opened it to show Olivia the contents and pulling out a DVD.

Casey continued. "We're going to walk over to meet Alex on her way out of the church now. On the way back to your apartment, we're going to stop and get a pizza for you two for dinner. Then, Alex is going to give me her keys and door codes and some clues on where to look for stuff so I can get into the apartment with Liz and CSU to do the search. Liz thinks it'll be better if you two aren't there anyway, so he can't claim conflict later. Meanwhile, you and Alex are going to eat your dinner, have some popcorn and some Milkduds, and watch _The Dead Poets Society _or some other movie with no violence and no romance, and try to relax. I'll call to let you know what we find in the apartment, okay?"

Olivia felt tears welling up in her eyes again. "Casey… thank you," she said softly, as they got up off the rock to head back.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words. I'm going on vacation on Tuesday and will be gone for a week, so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to update. But please e****njoy & review!**

Casey got Alex and Olivia settled into the couch with pizza, snacks, and a movie before asking Alex for the keys to the penthouse apartment and some tips on where to find where Robert may have hidden evidence.

The two women sat side by side on the couch, picking at their food and not really watching the movie, neither feeling very talkative.

"How was the death penalty debate?" Olivia finally asked. She kept going over what had happened at Jenna's apartment and needed to get out of her own head.

Alex looked up at Olivia and opened her eyes, which Olivia hadn't realized had been closed. "Hmm?"

"Were you asleep? I'm sorry. Here, lie down and take this blanket."

"I wasn't asleep, I was just resting my eyes. Pretending everything is okay is so exhausting."

"I know, sweetie. You don't have to pretend anything here. Lie down." Olivia soothed.

Alex covered herself with the blanket, but leaned into Olivia instead, putting her head on her shoulder. "Debate was okay," she murmured. "They're a bunch of softies."

"Well, you were having the debate at a church. What did you expect?"

Alex laughed. "Fair point. I guess they have more faith in the power of forgiveness and rehabilitation than I do."

"You've seen a lot more horrible stuff than they have. Than most people have. And they're young, too. What's the adage? If you're young and conservative you have no heart, and if you're old and liberal you have no brain?"

"Are you calling me old, Detective?"

"No, just older than them. I know you're about as liberal as I am." Olivia paused. "I didn't know you were religious, though."

"I wasn't," Alex answered simply. "I went to a church in Wisconsin a few times after my mom died. The pastor there - a woman named Maggie - saw that I was in pain and tried to help me, encouraged me to come to services. Never asked too many questions I couldn't answer. I got into the habit, and then when I was in Charleston, being in a church was basically the only way to have any kind of social life. I didn't like their politics, but I wanted to keep going when I came back to New York, so I did some research and found a liberal church, and ended up really liking the people there."

"I'm not sure what I believe, exactly, but nobody's ever asked me that. I doubt anyone ever will, unless I decide to run for national office someday. Considering that we _still _can't seem to elect non-religious candidates. But what I can believe changes from week to week. When we say the prayers, I only say what I believe. Don't want to commit perjury in front of God." Alex chuckled.

"I imagine God holding you in contempt would be a lot worse than Petrovsky." Olivia agreed, laughing.

"I bet. But it's refreshing to be around people who believe in the good of humanity and the possibility of redemption, after spending all week locking up murderers and rapists."

"That makes sense," Olivia said, nodding. "Does it help?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm a part of something. Something good. Something bigger than me, or my job. And other times it makes me feel really small and alone, like there are all these people around me who believe in something powerful and they're _so sure_, and I just can't make myself be as sure as they are, no matter how hard I try." Alex paused. "When I was in Witsec, I really needed to believe that there was some plan. That I was going to come home someday. You know, that whole 'everything happens for a reason' bit."

"Did it work?"

"Not really."

"I think it's normal to have doubts, no matter what you believe." Olivia offered.

"Maybe, but nobody talks about it. And when I'm prosecuting cases, I can't afford to have doubts."

"Sometimes people have doubts not because they need more information, but because they're afraid. And I happen to know that you're fearless in a courtroom, Counselor."

Alex got really quiet, and Olivia watched her for a moment until she said, barely audibly, "And I'm terrified everywhere else."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and held her, cradling her gently for a few minutes. "What are you afraid of, Lex?"

"Everything. That they're going to tell me they made a mistake and I have to go back. That I'm going to push too hard on a case and get shot again, and killed next time. That I'll always be alone. That Robert is as good as it's going to get for me."

"Hey, Lex, shh, it's all going to be okay. First of all, I saw Velez's body myself, and he's not coming back. And I bet you're a lot more careful now with your cases. Have you been insulting the sexual performance of any violent drug lords recently?"

Alex giggled and shook her head. "Okay, then you're all good there. And as far as Robert is concerned, I promise you that you deserve so much better than him, and you'll find it. It'll just take time. You won't be alone forever. Worst case scenario, you hit 50 and you're still alone, you move in with me, and we'll get a couple of cats, okay? But you've got plenty of time."

Alex nodded sadly. "I was being honest the other night, you know, about my relationships. I… I just feel like the men I've dated have gone out with me because of my looks, or my money, or my political ambitions. The only person who dated me for who I am was my insurance adjustor in Wisconsin, when I didn't have money or political ambitions, and he didn't even know my real name."

Olivia's heart broke at the admission. She had never been in love herself, but at least she usually dated people who _wanted_ to be with her. People who found her attractive and who made an effort in her bed. The advantage of being working class and a cop was that nobody ever had ulterior motives for dating her. "I'm sorry, Lex. You don't deserve that. But I bet there's some lucky guy out there who will be willing to look past the gorgeous, rich, brilliant, ambitious, successful Alexandra Cabot and who will love you for your beautiful, compassionate heart."

Alex smiled sadly. "You're so sweet, Liv."

"It's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, Counselor. I'd say it under oath."

"I'm just not sure if I believe it," Alex whispered.

Alex paused and leaned out of Olivia's embrace, wondering how to bring up what Olivia had at Jenna's apartment. She had sensed Olivia's sadness on the walk back and wanted to inquire, but a look from Casey and a shake of her head had suggested that she should wait until Olivia brought it up.

But she knew Olivia. Olivia wouldn't mention it if Alex didn't ask. She'd focus on comforting Alex, choosing distracting topics of conversation and watching movies and doing anything to avoid potentially upsetting her friend. Olivia always tried to put her at ease, and had never pried into anything serious unless Alex had wanted to talk about it, and there was no reason to think she'd willingly bring up Jenna now, when Alex was hurting and vulnerable.

Alex looked at Olivia, and saw the pain hiding just under the surface of her eyes. She rubbed her hand gently along the top of Olivia's back. "Liv," she said softly, tentatively. "I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but when you're ready, will you tell me what happened this afternoon?"

Alex saw a flash of something - of pain, of shame, maybe, of embarrassment - cross Olivia's face, just as she shifted and leaned over to pick up her phone off the coffee table as it rang and flashed Casey Novak's name on the screen.

"Hey, Casey," she answered. "Hold on, I'm going to put you on speaker."

_"Hi Liv, Alex," Casey replied. "We got him. Aside from the packets of pills we found in your medicine cabinet, we found a stash in a baggie in the back of his sock drawer. The packages look very similar, but one set's probably fake. CSU is going to run the prints, but they're betting that the set in his drawer will be yours, that he was taking and hiding, and that they'll have both of your prints on them. The ones in your medicine cabinet will probably have just his prints, if they're fake. Liz and I are going to get a warrant for his financials to see where he ordered them. We might be able to get him on drug charges since I doubt these are legal, and hopefully we can shut down the people who have been selling these to dishonest men, too. Might even be a RICO charge in there." _

Alex's face went blank as she pushed up off of Olivia and ran to the bathroom, where she promptly lost the contents of her stomach.

_"Case, Alex went in the other room. You're off speaker. Did you get anything else?"_

_"Yeah. Fin talked to the doorman. Turns out, Robert has been inviting women over on Tuesday and Thursday nights for at least a few months. Alex told him she usually has yoga on Tuesday nights and bells on Thursdays. He's getting us the guest logs for the past few months, along with the security tapes from the past week, but he says it's almost always different women. That'll probably help us find the two fluid donors. Of course, having affairs isn't illegal, and they weren't married with a fidelity clause in a prenup, so I'm not sure this does anything for us except prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Robert was an even bigger ass than we thought. But we should have plenty to arraign him tomorrow."_

_"Thanks, Case. I'll talk to Alex about this tonight. Let me know about the arraignment and I'll see if Alex wants to be there."_

_"Okay. I'm probably going to go question him tomorrow morning, try to get a confession out of him before he lawyers up. Push his buttons a bit. I have a feeling Alex would rather this _didn't_ go to trial, so she can avoid the publicity. She'll be protected by rape shield laws, but if it gets in the papers, people might figure it out anyway."_

_"She knows that. You can ask her tomorrow, but she'd probably want a deal as long as he does real time."_ Olivia said. _"I'm going to go check on her. Thanks for everything today, Casey. It means a lot to both of us."_

_"My pleasure. The women of New York need both of you back here, kicking ass and taking names, and I'm happy to help make that happen sooner rather than later. You're both good people, and good friends."_

Olivia hung up the phone and went into the bathroom, where she found Alex curled up in front of the toilet. She took two washcloths out from the linen closet and wet them with cool water, crouching down beside Alex and using one to wipe Alex's mouth, and the other to press to her forehead and the back of her neck.

"How are you doing, sweetie?" Olivia asked softly. "Do you still feel sick, or do you think you're done for now?"

"I don't know." Alex whined. Her eyes were closed, but tears streamed down both sides of her face. "He just wanted me to breed. To be some trophy wife. I guess I knew he didn't love me… I didn't think he was capable of…" she leaned over the toilet to dry heave.

"Shh, Lex, come here." Olivia closed the toilet and put a towel on it, then pulled Alex up so she could sit and crouched in front of her. "Sweetie, Robert's a bad guy, but it's not your fault. You couldn't have known what he would do."

"I feel so stupid. I was engaged to this guy. I considered marrying him. I slept with him. God, I'm such an idiot."

"You're not stupid, Lex. Don't talk about my best friend that way. Robert's the one who's stupid, for thinking he could control you, and for hurting you." Olivia sat on the edge of the tub and looked at Alex. "Sweetie, there's one more thing we need to talk about. About Robert." Olivia began slowly. Alex looked at her curiously, unsure of what to think. Surely there couldn't be more.

Olivia reached out and took Alex's hand. "Alex, Casey told me that Warner found DNA from two other women on the sheets." She paused to let the news sink in. "She said that the doorman said Robert would bring women home on Tuesday and Thursday nights, when you were out. I'm sorry."

Alex didn't react, she just continued to stare straight ahead, her expression blank. "Lex, I have to ask you this," Olivia continued, speaking softly. "When you did the rape kit the other night, did they check for STDs?"

Alex shook her head. "I told them it was my fiancé and they didn't have to because we were monogamous."

"And before Friday, were you using condoms?" Olivia ran her thumb over Alex's knuckles, trying to ask as gently as possible.

Alex bit her lip. "I _thought_ I was on the pill."

"Okay then, tomorrow we're going to go back to the hospital and have Amelia check your blood, okay? Just to make sure."

Alex nodded and stood up. "I'm tired. I'm going to go to bed," she declared, emotionless. Olivia looked at her watch. It was barely 7:30.

"Lex, take a quick shower first to relax a bit, I'll make you a cup of tea and some toast to settle your stomach, and then I'll give you half of one of my sleeping pills, okay? It'll help you sleep through the night."

Olivia reached over to touch Alex's arm, guiding her gently back into the bathroom, and turned on the hot water. Alex conceded, following Olivia's touch, but her expression was blank, and she didn't blink. Olivia took a small orange bottle out of the medicine cabinet and brought it with her into the kitchen, closing the bathroom door behind her.

When Olivia heard the hot water stop and Alex go into the bedroom to get dressed, she put in some toast and poured a cup of mint tea and a small glass of water, and set everything on a tray. There was no response when she knocked on the door.

"Alex?" Olivia inquired, knocking again. "Lex, unless you tell me not to, I'm coming in. I've got some tea and some toast for before you go to bed." After waiting a few seconds for her to protest, she opened the door.

Alex was laying on her side, wrapped in a towel, curled up in fetal position, her wet, tangled hair on the pillow she was clutching to her chest. Her face was still emotionless, and she stared straight ahead, not acknowledging Olivia, who realized it was much like the position she had found Alex in after the rape.

Olivia approached Alex slowly, setting the tray down on the nightstand and taking Alex's bedclothes off the dresser, where she had placed them in the morning. She slid a hand under Alex's left shoulder, pushing her gently up into sitting position, before guiding Alex's arms into the sleeves of her nightshirt and pulling it over the top of the towel. Then, she slid a pair of panties and pyjama pants up as far as they would go on Alex's legs, and looked away while Alex reluctantly stood up and pulled them up to her waist.

Olivia took the towel from Alex and gently pat her hair dry. She handed the mug of tea to Alex as she hung up the towel and took a comb off her dresser, running it through Alex's hair. Alex held onto the tea, but made no effort to drink any of it. She didn't react to the gentle touch of the comb on her scalp.

When Olivia finished, she put down the comb on the nightstand and turned to Alex. "Have a few sips of tea and a couple bites of toast before you go to sleep, okay?"

Alex nodded and brought the mug up to her lips. The tea was cooler, now, and she took a long sip. Olivia held out the plate of toast, and Alex managed a few bites before putting the uneaten portion back on the plate and handing the mug back to Olivia. Pulling down the covers, Alex slipped into bed and curled up in a ball again.

"Lex, do you want to take an Ambien to help you fall asleep?" Olivia held out the pill and glass of water.

"Are you offering me a Schedule IV controlled substance without a prescription, Detective?" Alex tried to make a joke, but just sounded sad.

"It's a misdemeanor at best, so I'm sure the DA's office would decline to prosecute. You don't have to, I just thought it might help you sleep through the night." Olivia went to put the pill and glass back on the nightstand, when Alex reached out her arm to take it.

"I took these in Witsec. They helped, sometimes, a bit."

She took the pill, and Olivia sat with her, stroking Alex's still damp hair as she closed her eyes and tried to breathe deeply, inviting sleep.

"Liv?" she whispered, as sleep began to overtake her. "I'm sorry about whatever happened with Jenna. I'm sorry I'm being selfish and needy and a terrible friend…"

Olivia put a finger to Alex's lips, interrupting her. "Shh, Lex, it's okay. You're not a terrible friend, and it's okay to lean on me. I know you need it. Go to sleep. We'll talk about it later." She slipped out of the room as Alex drifted off to sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words. Sorry it took so long to update - going on vacation with friends and their kids in a place with no internet meant little time to write and no posting. Hopefully it won't be as long until the next update! But please enjoy & review!**

Olivia closed the bedroom door and cleaned up their dinner, trying to banish all thoughts about Jenna from her mind. Before Sealview, she had had plenty of one night stands that ended in her leaving her lover's apartment in the middle of the night, but when she was in a relationship, she made it a point not to leave after sex unless she got called out.

Giving up on avoiding the topic that was haunting her, Olivia tried to sort out her feelings about what had happened that afternoon. Jenna had clearly assumed she meant to consummate their relationship when she'd come over, and had barely given her an opportunity to talk. Maybe she'd figured that the best arguments against breaking up were a different kind of oral. Olivia was mostly embarrassed at how easily she had gotten caught up in the moment, how her instincts that had screamed at her about Jenna's lack of sensitivity about her demons had been silenced so quickly once she'd started pleasuring Jenna.

Most of all, Olivia felt incredibly guilty. She and Jenna had both been adamant about not wanting casual sex or a one night stand. Jenna had been apprehensive about their first time, and nervous about her ability to satisfy her more experienced lover. And by jumping out of bed and running away as Jenna tried to touch her, Olivia knew she had inadvertently validated Jenna's fears of inadequacy.

After she finished the dishes, Olivia retrieved her cell phone from the table by the door and sat down on the couch with a beer to check the messages Jenna had left.

The first message was angry. _"Did you seriously just give me the best orgasm of my life and then run out on me? What the fuck, Olivia?"_

The second message, left half an hour after the first, was more worried. _"Olivia, did I do something wrong? Are you okay? Please call me so we can talk about what happened."_

Olivia sighed, and debated the merits of waiting until the next day to call Jenna back, but ultimately decided to get it over with.

_"Olivia? Where are you? Are you okay?" _Jenna answered, sounding genuinely concerned.

_"Jenna —"_ Olivia began, not quite knowing what to say. She decided to go with the simplest version of the truth, not really wanting to rehash the details of her assault. _"Jenna, I'm so sorry about this afternoon. I wasn't ready and I freaked out. I shouldn't have started something I couldn't finish."_

_"Did I do something wrong?"_

Olivia hesitated before answering and chose her words carefully. Jenna hadn't done anything wrong, per se, she just hadn't been overly sensitive to her more experienced lover's needs. _"It's not that you did anything wrong. It's just that I'm still recovering from my assault, and I felt like you brushed me off to get me into bed. I wanted to sleep with you - I really did. But I wasn't ready, and I shouldn't have put myself - or you, for that matter - in that position."_

_"You mean the position of giving me amazing sex and then running out on me before I could return the favor?" _Jenna asked, trying to hide the bite in her voice.

Olivia sighed. _"No, I mean the position of getting carried away and sleeping with you when I didn't feel comfortable opening up to you about my assault. Jenna, I like you a lot, and we've had fun together, but I haven't been able to talk to you about anything serious." Olivia paused. "In my job, I have to deal with a lot of serious stuff and a lot of hurt and broken people. Sometimes I like to get away and try to forget all of that, but sometimes _I'm _hurt and broken, and I need some support. This weekend was rough on me. My best friend, who was shot and bled out in my arms, literally came back from the dead and was violently assaulted by her fiancé, and then stalked by him this morning. And not only am I trying to be supportive of her in her return to New York and take care of her after her rape, I'm also recovering from something. I was really vulnerable this afternoon, and instead of letting me talk about it, you dismissed it and got me into bed with you." _As soon as she said it, she realized it didn't sound right. "_I know I'm just as responsible as you are. And I don't regret what happened because of anything you did, just because of me. I'm sorry."_

When Olivia stopped ranting, she realized Jenna was crying quietly. _"So that's it, then?" _she sniffled.

_"I didn't mean for it to turn out like this. I feel like an ass. I'm sorry."_

_"Me too."_

Olivia ended the call and stared at her phone for a while without moving, before finally deciding, at around 9, to take a shower and get ready for bed. As she stood under the hot water, washing away thoughts of Sealview and her major screwup with Jenna, Olivia tried to think back to times when she'd really enjoyed sex, and ran her hands over her body. Her therapist had told her - and she had told countless victims - that masturbation and fantasies were good ways to regain control over her body and feel pleasure again.

It had taken Olivia months after her attack to even consider using the technique, and a few weeks after that of touching herself in the shower or in bed before falling asleep before she had been able to coax herself to a gentle orgasm without seeing flashbacks of being cuffed to the chain link gate in the prison basement. She generally liked to remember encounters with her best ex-lovers: her college boyfriend, Rebecca Hendrix, who had been her first female lover while they had been in the Academy together, and Kurt Moss, who had been great sex and not a lot else.

When her fingers weren't enough for her anymore, Olivia pulled down the showerhead and turned it to the pulse setting, stifling a moan as she crouched down and let the pressure build. _Good thing Alex took that sleeping pill,_ Olivia thought. At least she wouldn't have to worry about her guest overhearing her from the bedroom. _I'll have to make sure Alex knows to do this, once she's ready_.

Olivia tried to push thoughts of Alex from her mind, feeling guilty about thinking about her straight, hurting friend in a moment of pleasure, but the sudden image of Alex touching herself turned her on. And before she could stop her brain from going there, Olivia thought back to Alex's comment about how she didn't think she'd ever had - or would ever have - good sex, and imagined holding Alex, caressing her, kissing her gently all over her soft, gorgeous body, and bringing her to orgasm with her tongue.

Olivia bit her lip to swallow a cry as she slipped over the edge, and momentarily felt embarrassed that one of the best orgasms she'd given herself - and the best since her attack - had come from fantasizing about her friend. _Don't go there, Benson_, she admonished herself as she rinsed off and stepped out of the shower. _No good can come of crushing on straight friends. And the _last_ thing Alex needs right now is her so-called friend making her uncomfortable with unrequited feelings._

After a humiliating experience in college, Olivia had developed a strict personal policy against allowing herself to develop feelings for her straight friends. It worked, most of the time, but Olivia suspected that the deep connection she felt with Alex, combined with all the emotions surrounding her shooting and return from the dead, and the emotional intimacy they'd shared over the past few days had overwhelmed her.

When she recovered a little from her embarrassment, Olivia got dressed and made herself a cup of tea, before turning on the TV to some documentary station and turning the volume down low. Having some background noise and some flickering light helped her to fall asleep since Sealview, and she was less afraid when she woke up from a nightmare if there was something playing in the background. Alex had protested about taking the bedroom, but the reality was that Olivia had slept on the couch more often than not in the few months that had passed. She debated taking a sleeping pill, but ultimately decided against it, and locked the bottle in the lockbox with her gun. On the off chance that Alex's shock and her sleeping pill wore off in the middle of the night, Olivia didn't want to take a chance that she'd find the pills and take one too many. It was hard to judge her friend's emotional state in the wake of all the pain she'd experienced over the weekend.

Olivia didn't know when she finally drifted off to sleep, but she awoke sometime in the middle of the night to hear soft whimpering coming from the bedroom. After briefly debating whether or not to invade Alex's privacy, she decided to at least check on her friend, and tiptoed over to the door to knock lightly.

"Lex? You okay in there?" Olivia asked softly. Alex didn't sound afraid, and her crying was soft and regular, so Olivia doubted that she was having a nightmare.

Alex didn't answer, but the crying slowed, and Olivia turned the doorknob and opened the door slowly. Olivia didn't say a word when she saw Alex curled up in fetal position and crying into her pillow. Instead, she walked over to the other side and crawled over the top of the covers, curled up behind Alex and wrapped an arm around her, taking her hand and squeezing it in reassurance as a new wave of sobs shook her body.

The comfort of Olivia's hug soothed Alex, and after a few minutes, she stopped crying.

"Liv, I don't think I can have his baby," Alex whispered after staying silent for a long time.

Olivia barely heard her, but when she realized what Alex had said, she pulled on Alex's hand, turning her over to face her, and, without releasing her grip, used her other hand to wipe tears from Alex's eyes. Olivia studied her friend's face before responding, equally quietly.

"Then don't."

"Just like that?" Alex asked.

"Just like that." Olivia paused before asking the next question. "How far along are you?"

"About 3 weeks. The doctor said the period I thought I got last week was breakthrough bleeding."

"Well, abortion is legal in New York through 24 weeks, so you've got a while to make a decision. Although it'll probably be easier to do it sooner rather than later."

"I just never thought I'd be in this position. And you…"

"Nobody ever thinks they'll be in this position. But this has nothing to do with me. My mom made a choice, and abortion wasn't legal in 1967. It _is _legal now, and this is your body and your choice. If you want to have an abortion, I'll go with you and hold your hand, and nobody will ever know unless you want them to. If you want to have the baby, then I'll hold your hand for that, too. But you're the one who has to decide, and it has to be based on your feelings and your best interests, not the choices other women make or how you think you should feel."

Alex was grateful for Olivia's pro-choice pep talk and for soothing her conscience. "I thought I was being careful. I shouldn't even _be_ pregnant. And I'm terrified that if I have this baby, Robert's going to get off and sue for custody. And I'm equally terrified that if I have the abortion, someone will find out and my chances of ever getting elected will be shot. Not to mention the fact that I'm 33 with no romantic prospects in sight, and I might not have another chance for a baby."

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand again. "You _were_ being careful. It's not your fault that Robert tricked you into getting pregnant. And I don't think Robert will get off or be able to sue for custody, but I understand if you don't want to have his baby after how badly he's treated you. And if you don't want it, we'll go to a clinic, out of state, even, and you can check in under one of your Witsec identities and pay cash, and nobody will ever find out. I know from previous cases that Robert's lawyer isn't going to be able to make you confess to the abortion under oath in open court. Liz and Casey would never allow it. You know that." Both women were silent for a minute until Olivia asked her follow-up question. "Are you considering having it? I noticed you didn't drink at O'Malley's last night, and it wasn't because of the over-the-counter ibuprofen you're taking."

Alex swallowed. "I just… didn't want to do anything until I was sure one way or the other." Olivia nodded. "The doctor told me I have to wait until next week when my stitches are healed if I want to do the abortion. She said that under 9 weeks she can give me the RU-486 pill and I can do it at home, alone."

"Okay, sweetie. You just tell me what you decide. You have my support either way."

Olivia rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling, maintaining her hold on Alex's hand even as the blonde closed her eyes and steadied her breathing. She thought Alex had gone back to sleep when she finally made another quiet confession.

"I thought about having a baby in Witsec. In Wisconsin. I went to a doctor to discuss fertility options. I even asked Hammond what would happen if I got pregnant while in the program. I was lonely, and for a while I thought that if I had a baby, at least I wouldn't be so alone. That if that was going to be my new life, I could turn it into some kind of maternity leave. I picked a donor, got inseminated. It didn't work. A week later, Cragen showed up to bring me back for the Connors trial, and I got moved to a new identity, and sometime between talking with a kid who was shot at twice and looking into starting the whole fertility process over, I realized it would be really unfair to bring a child into my…situation. I got moved twice more, and I wasn't sure I was ever going to come home, so I gave up on the idea."

Olivia had rolled back over to face Alex, who hadn't opened her eyes, and had tears streaming down her face. She tucked Alex's hair behind her ear and pushed her chin up until they were face to face.

"And now you feel guilty because you wanted a baby then and you don't want this one now?" Olivia asked softly.

Alex shook her head and opened her eyes, looking into Olivia's. "I don't know what I feel. I'm just so afraid, all the time. I thought when Velez was dead, when Connors was extradited, when I got my name back, my family back, my job back… I thought I'd stop being afraid, stop sleeping with the lights on, stop looking over my shoulder. I got engaged to Robert thinking he was a nice enough guy and there'd be a warm body in my bed, and I let him take advantage of me…"

"Lex, what Robert did to you is NOT your fault. You know that."

"I know that. But when we started out, I was using him as a 'nice guy' crutch just as much as he was using me as arm candy and a way to get his name in the papers. I don't know exactly when he crossed the line into being controlling and demanding… sexually, but I should never have let it escalate to rape. Or allow him to pressure me into sex."

"Alex, listen to me. You've had some horrible things happen to you. I can't pretend to understand what happened to you in Witness Protection, or how hard it was to come and get your life back, but I know it wasn't easy and I think it takes an incredible amount of strength to come back and try to get your life back. You're allowed to be afraid, Lex. You're allowed to feel vulnerable and alone. Despite the rumors your charges have been spreading around Hogan Place, you're human, Alex. You don't have anything to be ashamed of."

"After I came back for the Connors trial, everybody expected some triumphant return from the dead, and I just came back… broken. I think I came back wrong."

"I told you we're going to find you and work on making you whole again, and I mean it. But I don't think you're as lost or broken as you think you are. You know how many strong women we've seen who aren't able to go through a rape kit or leave a partner who's hurt them. You're strong enough to leave and file a report the first time he became violent, and to stare him down in church with your trademark Cabot look. You're not weak by any stretch of the imagination. You're just a little less fearless than you used to be. Getting shot will do that to you, but you know as well as I do that being a victim of violence doesn't make you less of who you are… Do you think you'd be ready for the stress of pregnancy and single motherhood while you're trying to get your identity and your life back?" Olivia asked gently.

"Is there ever a good time to have kids when you work 80 hours a week and have no serious romantic prospects?" Alex replied sarcastically.

"Touché," Olivia snorted.

"I don't know if I'm ready for a baby or if I just thought it could fill a hole in my heart when I was away. If I could create something that was a part of me, I'd know I still existed, you know?"

"Alex, not having a baby then and not having _this_ baby doesn't mean you can't have _a_ baby. It's not wrong to not want to have the baby of a man who hurt you and who might be able to take it away. Not having _this _baby doesn't mean you can't go to a fertility clinic in New York like you did in Wisconsin. You're only 33. You've still got time."

"Liv, you know I have no moral objection at all to legal abortion. I'm just not sure it's right for me to want to abort this pregnancy when I wanted one such a short time ago. And when I still _do _want one, just not with Robert."

"You're allowed to change your mind, you know. Can you answer something for me, though? Can you tell me you want kids right now as Alexandra Cabot, kick-ass ADA and Bureau Chief who works all the time and knows all too well the potential dangers of her job? Or did you want kids as Emily from Tulsa in Wisconsin, who had a three bedroom FBI safe house and a safe job as an insurance claims adjustor, who rarely had to work overtime, and who had time to learn to cook and do things like go to Lamaze classes and grow a garden?"

"I don't know," Alex answered quietly. Olivia had a point. Having children as Emily from Tulsa would have been a lot less complicated than having them as herself, even without her money and status.

"Alex, did you go to counseling at all when you got back?"

"I had mandatory counseling in witness protection, but nothing when I came back. I was focused on getting my law licence reinstated; I didn't want any mental health issues to come up."

"Maybe you should see if Huang can recommend someone who will keep it off the books. You know I'm always here for you as your friend, but it may be good to get an outside perspective on everything you've been through. Think about it, please?"

"I'll think about it."

Alex let go of Olivia's hand and rolled away, signaling the end of the conversation. When Olivia moved to get up and go back to the couch, Alex reached out to touch her arm. "Stay in here? Please?"

Olivia nodded and curled up on top of the covers behind Alex, who took her hand and wrapped it around herself until they were spooning. Alex didn't make any noise, but Olivia could tell from her breathing that she was still crying quietly.

"Lex, try to get some sleep, alright? It's going to be okay." Olivia whispered. She squeezed Alex's hand to reassure her, and waited until the tears stopped and her breathing slowed before she let herself fall asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words. Please enjoy & review, and let me know what you think should happen next. I have so many story line ideas, and so little time. :-)**

Alex drifted in and out of sleep and tears, and when the clock finally read 6:30, she gently extricated herself from Olivia's arms. Her stomach lurched as she stood up, and she hurried into the bathroom, swallowing the bile rising in her throat and stepping into the shower. Alex breathed deeply under the hot water, trying to numb her heart and apply her courtroom persona as she did a light shade of makeup.

She dressed more casually than she normally would for work, since she just wanted to stop by to get some case files and clear her schedule for the upcoming two weeks. Aside from an arraignment and possibly a pretrial hearing on an important case, Alex didn't anticipate having any work she couldn't do outside of the office. Deciding to forego coffee in favor of ginger tea to settle her still queasy stomach, Alex left a note for Olivia and put on her game face.

Alex marched into the District Attorney's office with her normal air of confidence, though inwardly, she was trembling. She knew the rumor mill of city politics worked fast, but she wasn't sure how much information about her attack would have gotten out. Part of the reason she had decided to stop by the office first thing Monday morning was to limit the damage and quash discussions of her personal life, which she considered highly personal and kept closely guarded.

She knocked on Jim Steele's open door first. "Jim, can you please gather up the bureau to meet in my office? It will be quick." She turned to go to her own office before he had a chance to reply.

Once she was in her office, she began sorting through the case files on her desk, quickly evaluating which ones she'd need to work on in the upcoming weeks, which could be passed on to one of her subordinates, and which could wait until her return. Flipping through the documents in her inbox, she found two manilla envelopes, one from her attorney that had been received by courrier service on Saturday, the other from Homicide detectives for the big case she was working on. She opened it up to find six DVDs, and she slipped the two envelopes in her attaché bag.

By the time she was finished sorting her case files into piles, her young charges had gathered in her office, looking nervous. Alexandra Cabot was a kind but formidable boss, and her expression was inscrutable to the young attorneys. It was clear that she was all business this morning, despite her relaxed outfit.

Alex inhaled as she closed the door to her office, walked behind her desk, and crossed her arms in front of her chest in a protective gesture as she stood to face her colleagues. She looked at the anxious faces standing before her, and realized that they hadn't heard anything yet. The concern and confusion at being called to an impromptu meeting reassured her that she still controlled the narrative.

"Good morning," she began slowly, forcing a smile. "I hope you all had a nice weekend. I called you all in here to tell you something about _my_ weekend, before you start hearing rumors about my personal life. I expect this information will be sufficient to satisfy your curiosity and discourage you from participating in any office gossip that may occur, lest you wish to transfer to traffic court." Alex paused, to regulate her breathing.

"On Friday evening, I was attacked by my fiancé, Robert. A police report was filed, and he is currently sitting in jail for violating an order of protection I had obtained against him. He is likely to be charged and arraigned for the assault today or tomorrow. I would prefer to keep the details of the investigation confidential, and I trust that you will all respect my privacy in this matter. If Robert, his lawyer, or anyone else tries to obtain information on the case or on my personal life, you may direct them to Liz Donnelly or Casey Novak."

Alex exhaled slowly, and looked around the room, studying the faces looking back at her with care and concern. While the men focused intently on their shoes, Christina and Jessica shared a look before each smiled kindly at their boss. Despite her harsh tone and professional demeanor, they knew they were seeing a rare show of vulnerability. Jessica had seen enough domestic violence at home and through work to realize what Alex hadn't said and to notice that Alex's cheekbone and lip were still slightly puffy, despite the makeup.

Satisfied that she had made herself clear, Alex picked up the stack of case files on her desk that she had decided to delegate. "I will be taking time this week and at least part of next week to take care of personal business. In the meantime, Jim, you can take over the Stahl case, and Christina will second chair. Jessica, I'd like you to take over the Montgomery file, and work on the expert testimony and your opening statement. I'll take a look at your work later in the week and answer any questions. Peluso, you can take care of the Donovan file, and Potter, you're on arraignments for new cases. I will still be handling the Manning rape-homicides, and assuming he is apprehended this week, I will come in for arraignment and to field any motions his attorney may file. Since that should have been an SVU case, I'm going to ask Casey Novak if she'll sit second chair, but if she can't, I'd like you on it, Jessica. I'll let you know after I ask her."

Alex distributed the relevant case files. "If you need to reach me, I'll be checking my email once or twice a day. If there's an emergency, ask Jim first, and then you may call me if you need to. Liz and Casey know where I'm staying. I may stop by again during the week to get more files or to check in on you. Now, thank you for your time, and go put some perps in jail."

Satisfied that she had covered everything she wanted to discuss in the office, Alex opened her office door to dismiss her colleagues and end the meeting, and gathered her coat and attaché bag. There was no reason for her to stick around to see people staring awkwardly at her, and besides, she still had to go back to the hospital. She noticed that Jessica Rossi lingered a moment by the door as Alex turned off the office light and put on her coat.

"Jessica?" she asked kindly, noticing her hesitation as the younger attorney turned to walk out. "Something you need?"

Jessica turned around to look up at her boss, who gestured out the door and pulled it closed to lock it. "No… no, nothing I need. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about Robert. And take care of yourself this week." She reached out to squeeze Alex's hand and smiled at her, the only one of the group to have made eye contact after Alex's revelation about the attack.

Alex was surprised by the kind gesture, and felt a tear form in her eye, breaking the façade she had so carefully kept up during the meeting. "Thank you, Jessica, I really appreaciate it," she murmured, returning the hand squeeze to show she hadn't been uncomfortable with the intimate gesture. "Email me once you've got something on Montgomery, and we'll set up a time to talk about it."

Jessica noticed that the weak smile Alex gave before she hurried back towards the elevator didn't reach her eyes.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Her cell phone rang with an unknown number as she hailed a cab to Mercy Hospital.

_"Alexandra Cabot," _she answered on the third ring, after giving instructions to the driver.

_"Alex? Is that you?"_ a young voice she didn't recognize replied.

_"Yes? Who's calling, please?"_

_"It's Laura Simmons. From youth group."_ the girl explained. _"I'm sorry for calling you on your cell; I got your number from Nicole in bells. I wanted to talk to you yesterday, but there was something going on, and you looked upset, and then your friends were there and I didn't want to interrupt, and I'm sorry, I'm ranting."_

_"Laura,"_ Alex soothed, suddenly worried about the girl. _"It's okay. What can I do for you?"_

_"You're a lawyer, right? That means you can't tell anybody what I tell you?"_

_"Laura, I'm a prosecutor, which means that if you've been involved with anything illegal and need help, you should contact a defense attorney."_

_"No, I haven't done anything illegal."_

_"Have you been the victim of a crime?"_

_"No, it's not that… I just… I need some legal advice. It's… personal. But nothing illegal, I swear."_ Alex thought Laura suddenly sounded very afraid.

_"Okay. And you're not in any danger?"_

_"No."_

_"Alright," _Alex replied. The girl sounded desperate, and Alex didn't have any important plans beyond getting an STD test and looking at brutal crime scene photos. _"I'm not working this week, so why don't we meet somewhere to talk this afternoon? My fee is $1, and that makes you my client. As my client, everything you tell me will be confidential unless I have knowledge of an actual crime you're planning to commit. What time do you get out of school?"_

_"You're sure about that?" _Laura still sounded nervous.

_"Yes. If I violate confidentiality, I could lose my licence to practice law and even end up in jail."_

_"Okay. I get out of school at 2:30 at 86th and Central Park West."_

_"There's a French café at 86th and Broadway. Can we meet there at 3?" _Alex asked, looking at her watch. She'd have plenty of time to get her blood test and eat lunch before going to the café.

_"Yes. Thank you, Alex."_

_"You're welcome. See you this afternoon, Laura."_

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Alex sent Olivia a text message to update her on her plans for the afternoon just as the cab pulled up to Mercy. Taking a deep breath, she approached the desk and asked for Dr. Logan and Amelia, and was directed to a waiting room, where she opened her case file to read.

She was lost in the ME's report when she finally heard her name called and was led back to an examination room.

"I can't say I'm happy to see you, Ms. Cabot," Dr. Logan said with a smile as she escorted Alex back. "What brings you here today?"

Alex looked at the floor shyly. "It seems I need to do an STD test after all," she explained.

Dr. Logan nodded and paged for Amelia. "Are you experiencing any symptoms?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just that according to the medical examiner working on my case, Robert invited several women to leave fluid samples on our sheets, which leads me to conclude that he was putting himself, and therefore me, at risk."

"Are you testifying, Ms. Cabot?" Alex saw the twinkle in her eye as the doctor reacted to her very detached explanation for her visit.

"I just… I have to deal with this logically, because I can't deal with it emotionally just yet."

"I understand." The doctor smiled sympathetically. Alex closed her eyes and looked away as Amelia pulled out a needle to draw her blood. She didn't feel the needle, but she could feel Dr. Logan examining her. "Your face looks much better. And your wrists."

Alex nodded and rubbed the fading red marks. "I'm glad. I keep getting strange looks from people. A woman at church yesterday, a colleague this morning… I don't want people thinking I'm a battered woman."

"Just tell them the other guy looks worse," Amelia offered, closing the vial of blood. "I'll give you a call this afternoon with the results."

"And these results, and the results of my pregnancy test, won't be forwarded to the investigating officers?" Alex asked, concerned.

"Not without your consent. The test results are for screening purposes only," Dr. Logan reassured her.

"And I'd like to make an appointment to terminate under a false name and pay cash so there's no record. Is that doable?"

"Yes, but we need to make sure your stitches are healed and that you don't have an infection first. I can get you in first thing next Monday morning if you like. You can call me on Friday and let me know." Alex nodded. "Can I check out your stitches real quick right now?"

Alex hesitated, suddenly regretting her decision to tell Olivia she could handle a simple blood test by herself. But the pain hadn't lessened as much as she'd hoped it would since Friday, and the prospect of prolonging her pregnancy limbo made her anxious, so she reluctantly allowed the doctor to examine her again.

"Both lacerations still look red and inflamed. Are they still very painful?"

Alex blushed and nodded. "Yes, I'm still in a bit of pain, but I'm taking the ibuprofen."

"Have you been using the antibiotic ointment I gave you?" Dr. Logan asked as she checked Alex's wounds and applied ointment liberally.

"I… uh… I was having trouble applying it myself. I tried but I'm not sure I got the right spot."

"I know it's uncomfortable, but maybe a friend can help. It's very easy to get an infection in the anal cavity, and it can be very risky. I'd hate to see you back here for emergency surgery."

She withdrew her tools and motioned for Alex to get dressed.

"Call me on Friday, we'll get you in here on Monday to check your stitches, and if you've made a decision about termination, we can discuss the options then. Okay?" Alex nodded. "Take care, Ms. Cabot."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alex took a long, meandering walk through the park towards the café, remembering how she used to enjoy long walks, sometimes alone, sometimes with her mother, on weekend afternoons before Velez. After Velez, outside of New York, she had been too afraid to go out in public for extended periods of time, and rarely ventured out except for short trips to the grocery store and to work. Even with Connors and Velez gone and the US Marshall Service's assurances that she was safe again, she still felt like long walks alone outside of her comfort zone were not wise. And with her mother gone, and Robert being not such great company for her private thoughts, Alex hadn't resumed the habit after her return. Now, though, she was too numb to feel afraid for her life as she walked through the park alone for the first time. She just felt lonely. Empty. Lost.

It was almost 2:30 when she arrived at the café where she'd planned to meet Laura, and Alex settled into a booth, ordered a coffee, and took out her laptop to begin working on ideas for an opening statement. Her lips moved as she typed, and though she faced the door, a habit borne from her time in Witness Protection, she failed to notice a familiar face approaching her from the back of the restaurant.

"Alexandra!" he said, smiling, as he placed a hand on her shoulder. Alex jumped a mile out of her chair at the contact, and turned to face him.

"Judge Moredock," she gasped out, catching her breath. "Hasn't anyone ever told you not to sneak up on someone who spent 3 years in Witness Protection?" He chuckled and apologized. "Aren't you supposed to be in court, anyway?"

"I could say the same to you, Alex. I was with my wife at her doctor's appointment today. But I wanted to say that I'm sorry about Robert."

Alex blushed. "How did you hear?"

"I was on the phone with Lena Petrovsky yesterday afternoon when he violated the restraining order. I didn't ask about the details, and I don't think it's spread around the courthouse yet, if that's what you're worried about. She told me because I'm on arraignments this week, and she expects the case to move swiftly."

Alex exhaled, relieved that her attack wasn't yet fodder for courthouse gossip. Just then, a young girl approached the table shyly, hesitating to approach Alex while she was engaged in conversation. Alex turned her head and gave her a warm smile.

"Laura, please," she said, indicating the bench across from her. Laura sat down tentatively and placed a dollar bill on the table. "Judge Moredock, this is Laura Simmons, a high school student who is hiring me for some confidential legal advice. Laura, Judge Moredock, one of my professors from law school who is now a judge."

Judge Moredock smiled and held out his hand to shake Laura's. "Pleased to meet you, Ms. Simmons. Alexandra, will you be gracing my courtroom with your presence this week?"

"I'm off this week and probably next week as well to take care of some personal affairs, but I'll have an arraignment whenever Homicide tracks down my perp. And I expect to be present for Robert's arraignment as well."

"There's physical evidence?" Alex nodded. "Well, then he better have a damn good lawyer if he's going up against the three most formidable women in the DA's office. I'd say he doesn't have much of a chance of making bail, especially if he's already violated a temporary order of protection." He winked.

"I hope he doesn't, although I guess we'll have to wait to see if he gets anyone good to represent him, won't we?" Alex smiled at him, understanding his implied meaning.

"Just remember that for Robert's case, you're the victim, not the prosecutor." Moredock smiled at her, and Alex rolled her eyes.

"Liz and Casey keep reminding me," she groaned.

"I mean that as the prosecutor, you don't get to tell the story until trial. As the high-profile, very photogenic, already-martyred-for-the-cause victim, you have an opportunity. Once it's out, you can't control the gossip, but you _can_ control the narrative."

"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Judge."

He touched her shoulder again. "Well, I'll let you get to your consultation. Ms. Simmons, Alexandra, good afternoon." He nodded at each of them and left the two women at the table.

Alex closed her laptop and placed it back into her bag, exchanging it for a yellow legal pad and her favorite pen, and placed them on the table. Folding her arms, she tilted her head and looked across at the timid young girl in front of her, trying to keep her expression calm and kind. She motioned to the waitress.

"Laura, it's nice to see you. Can I get you something to drink? Coffee, tea, hot chocolate, soda?" Laura quietly asked for a hot chocolate, and Alex requested a refill on her coffee.

Laura sunk back into the booth and crossed her arms, avoiding eye contact with Alex. She was petite, with frightened green eyes and mousy brown hair, and she wrapped herself up in a baggy gray hoodie. When the girl didn't speak, Alex took the dollar, put it in her bag, and scribbled something on a piece of paper, which she signed and slid across the table.

"This is a receipt, with my signature, for the fee you just paid me. It means that I'm your lawyer, and nothing you tell me here can be revealed to anyone without your consent. Okay?"

Laura shifted uncomfortably and lifted her eyes for a moment to make contact with Alex's, taking a sip of her hot chocolate to hide her trembling mouth. Alex looked around to ensure that the tables around them had cleared out with the lunch rush, and reached across to touch Laura's arm. _This girl is terrified of something, _Alex thought to herself. _Channel Olivia._

"Look, Laura, nobody is around to listen to what we say, and everything you tell me is private. Can we start with you telling me why you called me?"

Laura bit her lip. "I knew you were a lawyer because I saw your picture in the paper last week. I go to school with Nicole's daughter, and after I couldn't talk to you yesterday, I asked her to get me your number."

"I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to talk yesterday, but I have plenty of time for you right now," Alex reassured her.

"That man who got arrested yesterday, did he do something to you?"

"He violated a restraining order. Is someone hurting you?" Alex asked gently, studying the girl's face. Laura shook her head. "I need you to tell me why we're here, Laura."

Laura looked down at her hands on the table and whispered the words. "I'm pregnant."

"Do you know what all of your options are?"

"I can't have this baby. They'd kill me if they found out I'm not a virgin. They told me they'd disown me if I had sex before I got married."

"Laura, maybe they were just saying that to protect you. Lots of people have sex before they get married, and it's not the end of the world. Your boyfriend… he didn't force you, did he?"

"He's not my boyfriend. But no, he didn't force me. It only happened once. We didn't plan to. I didn't think… I just didn't want him to…" Laura stopped as tears started to roll down her cheeks, and Alex reached out to take her hand.

"Okay, Laura, lesson number one from sex ed: always use condoms, because you can get pregnant or get an STD, even the first time." Given her own blindsiding on pregnancy and infidelity, Alex thought it best to omit the part about foregoing condoms in committed, monogamous relationships. "You said you 'just didn't want him to' do something. What was it?"

Laura looked everywhere except Alex's face, and wrapped the sweatshirt around herself tighter, trying to hide her shame and embarrassment. "He saw me kiss a girl and I didn't want him to tell anyone."

"Laura, if he blackmailed you into having sex with him so he wouldn't tell, that's rape."

"It wasn't like that," she explained, looking briefly into Alex's kind eyes. "He was my friend. When she kissed me, I kissed back. I had never kissed a girl _or _a boy before. He saw and said he didn't know I was a lesbian."

"And I take it your parents aren't exactly members of PFLAG?"

Laura shook her head sadly. "They hate gays, and think gay marriage is causing global warming and the failing economy." She rolled her eyes at Alex, who gave her a weak smile. "When I was younger, my mom's sister used to come over all the time. Sometimes she'd bring her friend. Then, when I was 8, she stopped coming over and my mom never let me talk about her again. I only figured it out recently when I heard my parents talking about 'fags' that I think she came out to them and thought it would change their minds. Instead they disowned her and it only made it worse."

"So you didn't want your parents to find out you'd kissed a girl. Laura, kissing a girl doesn't necessarily mean you're a lesbian or that you're not at all attracted to boys. And your sexuality isn't anybody's business but your own." Alex's heart broke for the scared girl in front of her.

"No. They'd kill me if they found out about that, too. They'd kick me out of the house, I wouldn't be able to go to college. My life would be over. I told my parents he was my boyfriend, and they were really happy. He was really sweet to me. I just wanted to prove that I'm not gay."

"Then what happened?" Alex pried.

"I… I had sex with him. It was awful. It hurt a lot. I didn't like it."

"Maybe that just means you weren't physically or emotionally ready, or he wasn't the right person for you," Alex had had her share of awful sex, and even painful sex, but that didn't mean _she_ was a lesbian.

"Maybe. But then… a few weeks later… I slept with her. The girl I'd kissed. And it was totally different. After that I'm sure I'm a lesbian. But nobody can find out. Ever."

"Laura, take it from me. It's really hard to pretend to be somebody you're not. To pretend to love someone you don't love, or _not_ love someone you do love."

"You're gay?"

Alex shook her head. "No. But I have had to keep a lot of secrets, and I was pretending to love a man who attacked me and cheated on me because I thought that's what my family wanted."

"What happened?"

"I don't know yet. I just ended it with him on Friday and now he's sitting in a jail cell. But I took a long walk today, and I don't think I'm going to be compromising my own happiness to please anyone else anymore. I know I'm older than you, and it took me a long time to figure that out, so you've got time. But it's an important thing to learn."

Laura finished her hot chocolate and looked intently at the bottom of the cup.

"So you slept with him once, and got pregnant?" Alex suspected that the pregnancy, and not the coming out, was the reason for Laura's consultation.

"I never had sex ed," Laura admitted softly. "My parents wouldn't sign the consent form. I asked my friends, but we lived in Texas until six months ago, and they said the lesson was basically about not having sex. They didn't learn very much. I tried to go online to get information, but my parents saw the search history and wouldn't let me use the computer for a month. Now I can only use it if they're in the room."

Alex rolled her eyes inwardly. Her own puritanical mother had never given her the sex talk either, other than to tell her not to 'give it up' too easily and to imply that a woman's role in the bedroom was to find sex mostly distasteful and unrefined, but to satisfy her husband as often as he wanted. Sex was a necessary evil for having children and keeping a man faithful. Cabot women, she'd said, were above seeking physical pleasure. But while Alex hadn't had the internet, she'd practically lived in the library, and found what she'd needed to know from a battered copy of _Our Bodies, Ourselves_ that she'd checked out and hidden under her mattress.

"Laura, am I to understand that you're hiring me as a lawyer to teach you sex ed?" Alex blushed at the thought and withdrew her hand from Laura's. Discussing sex acts in clinical terms in court had been hard enough, and she'd spent hours practicing in front of the mirror when she'd first joined SVU, hoping to hide her embarrassment and train herself not to turn bright pink. Olivia had teased her lightly when she'd turned red to the tip of her ears during their first case, before reassuring her that she'd get used to it. But this was a different situation entirely, one she doubted she could handle.

"No," Laura said quickly. "I need your help getting an abortion. I went to a place that I found in the phone book a few weeks ago, and they made me get an ultrasound and hear them talk about adoption and how they could help me during my pregnancy. Then they told me that I couldn't get an abortion without my parents or a judge, and that they couldn't get me in for an appointment for a few weeks. So I need your help to find a judge that will let me do this on my own, without my parents knowing."

"Laura, I think you went to a crisis pregnancy center, not an abortion clinic. They try to convince women not to have abortions and give out false information. In Texas, you do have to have permission from a parent or judge to get an abortion if you're a minor, but in New York, you don't. The law doesn't require a mandatory waiting period, or a condescending speech to see if you really know what you're doing, and you don't have to get an ultrasound unless you want one."

"So what do I need to do?"

"Do you know how many weeks pregnant you are?"

"12 weeks, I think."

"Okay, that means you'll have to have a surgical abortion. I can help you get an appointment with a reputable doctor, but you'll need to do the consultation on your own. It's not up to me to influence your decision in any way. This is _your_ choice, and you need to be sure of what you want."

"I've already made my decision. I can't have a baby, and my parents can't know about the abortion."

"Under New York state law, if you did have the baby, you could give it up for adoption and have 90 days to change your mind. Or, if you decided to keep the baby, your parents would be legally responsible for your care and your child's care until you turn 18," Alex explained. "It's your decision, but you should know all the facts."

"If my parents find out about any of this - that I've had sex, that I'm even _thinking_ about an abortion, that I might be gay - they're going to kill me. The only hope I have of them not finding out is to do the abortion."

"Okay. If that's really what you want, I'll call a doctor friend of mine to make an appointment for you and let you know. Do you have someone who will go with you to hold your hand and take you home after the procedure?"

Laura looked at the table again, and spoke softly. "Actually, I was kind of hoping you'd come with me."


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words. Please enjoy & review.**

**I seem to have written myself into a box: almost 60k words, four days after the start of the story, and still am only just starting to figure out how I'm going to finish off all these story lines and get Alex and Olivia together. I'm serious about not thinking they should get together as a couple, especially sexually, right away, so I'm probably going to have to start skipping time to get everything in. Some storylines may be resolved in sequels. (I've already got a sequel planned to find out what happened to Alex in Portland that's haunting her).**

Alex looked took a sip of her coffee and rubbed her temple. Despite her usual ability to think on her feet, for once, she was at a total loss of what to say.

"Laura, I'm not sure that's such a good idea," she began slowly.

"Why not?" The shy, frightened young girl in front of her suddenly turned into sullen teenager.

Alex ignored the accusatory tone. "For one thing, you're probably going to need a day or two of recovery time afterwards, and it would be good to stay with someone who knows what happened and who can give you an alibi for staying home from school." _For another thing, what if helping you changes my mind about my own pregnancy? And what if someone finds out that not only have I had an abortion, I've helped a minor get one without her parents' knowledge. My political career would be toast, even in New York._

"My parents are leaving tomorrow on a mission trip, and they won't be back until the weekend. They wouldn't even know I wasn't in school."

"Who takes care of you when they leave town?"

"Jesus," Laura replied. Alex snorted, and Laura smirked back at her. "I'm totally serious. They leave me alone and tell me Jesus will look out for me. When I was little, my aunt watched me, and then when she got disowned, it was friends from church. But my parents have a way of driving even their church friends away, so…"

"Laura, I'm staying with a friend right now, so I don't even have a place you could stay after the procedure." _Not to mention the reason I'm off work this week._

"What if I get a friend's parents to say I can stay with them if I'm 'not feeling well' while my parents are gone? Will you take me and bring me to a friend's house after? You're the only one I trust not to tell my parents."

Alex folded her arms on the table, and her heart broke a little as she watched the girl begin to cry. _Sixteen is too young to have grown-up problems and selfish parents_, she thought, remembering all the ones she hadn't been able to save. _Sam Cavanaugh. Cheryl Avery. Ashley Copeland. Sarah Williams, in Portland._

"If I'm going to help you do this," she began carefully, "I have three conditions. The first is that you tell my friend Olivia the reason I'm having you stay with us, if she agrees that it's okay. You can trust her to keep your secrets, and if I'm going to ask her to open her small apartment to you for a night or two, I need you to be honest with her." Laura hesitated, and nodded slowly. "Number two is that when I take you, you do the consultation alone with the doctor and discuss everything with her without me there. This is your decision, and I don't want to be accused later of pressuring you in any way. Once that part's taken care of, I'll come in and hold your hand if you want me to."

Alex waited for Laura to nod again. "Condition number three is that if you _do_ tell anyone about this, you keep my role confidential. Like it or not, I'm a public servant, and my bosses are not going to be happy if voters find out that district attorneys are undermining their parental rights, and I _don't_ want a reputation among high school students as someone who will bail them out of trouble. When we go into that doctor's office, whatever happens will be protected by doctor-patient confidentiality and by attorney-client privilege. I need to know that you won't betray my trust like I won't betray yours. Are we clear? Do we have a deal?"

"I understand. I know you're doing me a big favor by helping me out, and don't want to get you in trouble. Believe me, I really appreciate it. We have a deal."

"And you'll get all of your assignments in advance so you won't be behind if you miss school."

"Fine."

Alex paid the bill and asked Laura to come with her to introduce herself to Olivia. After sending her a text message to say they were headed back to the apartment, she checked her voicemail. One message from Jim Steele, informing her that the sexual sadist and murderer she'd be prosecuting had been apprehended and would be ready for her to arraign in the morning. Another message from Casey, that the rape kit had come back and Robert had been official arrested as well. She jotted down the notes in her day planner and sent texts of thanks to both attorneys, before scrolling through her contacts for the phone number of an old friend, and setting up a lunch date for the following day.

Laura hung back shyly as they entered Olivia's apartment.

"Lex, is that you?" Olivia called from the bedroom as soon as the door opened. "There's a package for you on the table. I'm just putting away some laundry, and cleaning out a drawer for your stuff while you're staying here." She entered the living room, wearing jeans and an old tee-shirt, her hair wrapped up in a towel, holding the small, empty suitcase Alex had brought with her from the penthouse. Remembering the personal effects she had brought with her intending to discard, Alex flushed bright red and opened her mouth in shock at her friend.

"Oh, hi," Olivia said, holding out her hand to Laura. "I'm Olivia. You must be a friend of Alex's?"

Alex managed to close her mouth and breathe without Laura noticing, since the young girl was still apprehensive about the reason for her visit. "Did you get my text? This is Laura. She'd like our help with something, and since you would be implicated as well, I told her she had to ask you before I'd agree."

"That was awfully cryptic," Olivia smiled at Laura, who was still standing partially behind Alex. "Why don't we sit down and you can tell me what we can do to help you."

Alex encouraged Laura to sit down with Olivia and went into the kitchen, seeing the bouquet of flowers on the table. She opened the card to find a neatly written message in a hand she recognized as Jessica Rossi's. _Best wishes for healing and love, from your friends at the DA's office_. Tears welled up in her eyes as she realized all of her baby ADAs had signed the card. _How sweet of them_, she thought, touched by the gesture.

She poured three glasses of water and went back out to the living room, where Olivia and Laura were finishing their discussion. When Olivia gestured to her, she followed her back into the bedroom to discuss the situation.

"Lex, aren't you the one who's always telling me we aren't social workers?" Olivia asked gently once the door was closed. "I know you want to help this girl, but are you sure it's a good idea?"

Alex nodded. "Look, I know I've always said that, but she's not one of our victims, she's someone from my church who trusts me. This isn't professional, it's personal."

"I know, and I think that at the moment, it might be a little _too_ personal, don't you think?"

Alex sighed. "Are you saying you don't want me to help her?"

"Lex, what I'm saying is that you're in a vulnerable place right now, and I'm not sure adding a teenager to the mix for a few days is a good idea. Especially if you plan on having an abortion yourself next week. It might be too painful for you, and you wouldn't have much privacy while she's here. Have you told her?"

Alex shook her head and tried to push down the tears that were welling up in her eyes. Olivia pulled her into a hug and wrapped her arms around her, and stroked the back of her head. "Shh, Lex. We can help her if you want us to. I just want to make sure you're going to be okay if we do."

"Liv, she doesn't have anyone else," Alex whispered. "And her parents sound awful."

"And you promise me that the only thing this is about is helping this girl?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

"I mean, you're sure that you don't have other reasons for helping her?" Olivia asked gently. Alex took a step back and fixed her with an angry gaze.

"If you're implying that I've influenced her decision in any way, you're wrong. She came to me specifically for legal help getting an abortion, and she doesn't know anything about what happened with Robert or the fact that I'm pregnant. And she won't. I told her that she had to meet with the doctor alone before the procedure."

"That's not really what I meant. I know you'd let her make her own choice, like the girl with Down's syndrome you helped all those years ago. I mean reasons not related to this girl at all."

"She reminds me of a girl in Portland that I couldn't save," Alex whispered into Olivia's shoulder. "I tried to help her, and then I had to leave when Hammond found out. I think I just made it worse. She trusted me to help her and then I died on her."

Olivia rubbed Alex's back. "We'll help her, Lex. There's a fold up twin bed in my office. I'll clean the case files off so she can stay in there and have some privacy, and you can keep the bedroom. I just want you to promise me that if you need time alone or if it gets to be too much, you'll leave her with me and go to Liz's or Casey's, okay?"

"Thanks, Liv. I don't know what I'd be doing without you. I just… I need to focus on something outside of myself, and I don't know if I'm capable of making good decisions right now. Now I've just got to worry about seeing Robert in arraignment tomorrow and getting my murderer remanded and waiting for the results of my STD test and figuring out how I'm going to apply antibiotic ointment in places I can't see." Alex immediately regretted that for once, she wasn't in control of her mouth. Must be a side effect of the grief eating up her heart.

"Lex, take a deep breath. You know Liz and Casey will take care of Robert, and you've always been able to get scumbags remanded when it matters, too. Did you go back to the hospital today by yourself? What's the deal with the antibiotic ointment?"

"Liv…" Alex shook her head and buried her red face deeper into her shoulder.

"Lex… it's okay. What is it?"

"I went back today for a blood test but I haven't gotten the results yet. Dr. Logan looked at my stitches and said they were still inflamed and sore because I haven't been applying the antibiotic ointment properly. Which I can't, because I can't see, and I obviously can't have anyone do it for me, so…"

"Alex, you know how serious anal fissures can be and how easily they get infected. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it's embarrassing! And it's not like you're going to be the one putting ointment in my ass."

"Lex, it doesn't have to be a big deal, but you _do _need to use it. We'll talk about this later, okay? Who are the flowers from?"

"The DA's office. I went there this morning to pick up some stuff and give the very basic version of why I'm out this week and my ex-fiancé is in lockup. I wanted to get ahead of the rumor mill and warn them of the consequences of gossiping about my personal life."

"Do you think it worked?"

"Don't know. But I saw Barry Moredock today, and he told me to 'control the narrative.' I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but it sounded like he wanted me to go to the press."

"It's probably true that you're going to have a hard time keeping this private. You know we'll protect you as much as we can, but once it's out there, we can't do anything about it."

"I know. But I think it's going to be out there anyway. Maybe I should be the one to put it out there. If a wealthy, Ivy League educated former sex crimes prosecutor can be the victim of rape, anybody can. Maybe it will encourage other women to come forward, to not be ashamed."

"Maybe," Olivia conceded, still rubbing her hand up and down Alex's back. "But you can share your story at any time. You don't have to do it right away, you know."

"Liv, I haven't had control of my life in almost 4 years."

"I know, sweetie. That's why it may not be the best time to be making these kinds of decisions." Alex didn't respond, and Olivia held her tight. "Listen, Lex, we have some things to talk about tonight, okay? Some things I need to tell you about when you were away. But right now, we need to go out there and talk to Laura and tell her what we've agreed, okay? Are you going to be alright?" She pulled away to look at Alex's face, and wiped tears from her cheeks with her thumbs.

"Just give me a minute, okay? Can you go talk to her?" Alex murmured.

Olivia nodded, pressing a light kiss to Alex's forehead before she left the room and closed the door. She found Laura still sitting on the couch with her glass of water, thumbing through a magazine Olivia had left on the coffee table.

"Alex will be out in a minute," she explained. "I'm going to clean off the pull out bed in my office before Wednesday. You can stay here Wednesday night, but it would be good if you have a backup plan for later in the week in case Alex is out and I get called out to work. Is that okay?" Olivia didn't expect the girl to throw her arms around her and squeeze her tight.

"Thank you so much," she whispered, almost crying. "You have no idea how scared I was that my parents would find out and that they'd hate me. Thank you for helping me. And thank Alex." Olivia returned the hug.

"Okay, Alex is going to make an appointment for you for Wednesday morning, and she'll call you to let you know the details. I guess that means I'll see you on Wednesday afternoon, okay?" Laura nodded. "Now, go do some schoolwork so you don't get behind, alright?" She held open the door for Laura to leave.

"Is Alex coming back out so I can say goodbye?"

"Alex is calling a doctor for you. She'll call you later," Olivia reassured Laura, wanting to give her friend the chance to relax. She followed the young girl to the door, and spoke quietly. "Listen, Laura, before you go," she paused, waiting for the girl to look at her. "I know you're feeling vulnerable and scared right now, and I'm glad you have Alex to help you. But just keep in mind that Alex is a little hurt and vulnerable and scared about some things right now, too. Be gentle with her, okay?"

Laura looked directly at her, examining her, searching deep into her eyes. "I will, Olivia. Thank you."

After she locked the door, Olivia crept back into the bedroom, where Alex was lying curled up on top of the covers in the dark. "Long day, Lex?" She touched her hand gently to Alex's arm, and Alex nodded, almost unable to speak.

"I go out there, and I try to act like myself - how I think I should act - and I do fine, except I feel totally empty, like it's not me out there. And then I come back here, and I let myself feel something, and it hurts so much I can't breathe." Olivia climbed behind her and wrapped her arms around Alex.

"I've got you here, okay? Let it hurt as much as it needs to, and I'll make sure you're okay," she whispered into her ear. "I promise."

Olivia held her tight as she shook, and after a few minutes, gently pulled Alex's body around to face her, wiping tears with her thumbs for the second time. "You know, Lex," she murmured, running her fingers up and down Alex's arm. "You're supposed to be out of work this week to take care of yourself, not to run around to work and to find other victims to take care of."

"I know, but she needs me. And I need something to fight for other than myself. I'm tired of feeling like a fucking victim."

"Lex, you're a survivor. I know Witsec was hard on you—"

"You don't know anything. My mother died thinking her only daughter was dead. I slept with some guy who didn't even know my real name. My niece was born and named after me while I was dead. I couldn't get pregnant, and now I am and I don't want to be. I tried to help a rape victim and ended up making it worse and having to be relocated…" Olivia held her close as she started crying again.

"Alex, listen to me. Your mom knew." Tear-filled blue eyes locked on brown. "I talked to her at your funeral and then saw her a few times when I visited your grave. I used to go there to talk to you, leave flowers in case anyone was watching, you know." Olivia blushed at the admission. "We went to lunch a few times, and I told her about the cases you'd worked on, and how much of a badass you were, and how you went from being a green ADA with political ambitions to really caring for the victims and fighting for justice and putting yourself on the line for them and for us. I talked to your brother, too, and Elliot and I went up to Boston for your niece's christening. We told him he was asking for trouble bringing another Alexandra Cabot into the world…" Alex snorted at the joke.

"I knew your mom wasn't doing well, and I asked your brother to call me if anything happened. After they put her on morphine in hospice, I went to visit, and asked for a minute alone with her, and I told her the truth: that you were alive, and being kept safe, and that we were doing everything we could to bring you home, and that I knew you'd want to be with her if you could. If anyone had asked, I would've said it was just the pain meds talking. She smiled when I told her, and cried a little, and then she made me promise I'd tell you that she loved you, and she was so proud of you for standing up for what you believe in and for risking your life to help people, and for never compromising on being exactly who you are, and she was sorry she never told you that herself. Then she made me promise that I'd look out for you when you came back and make sure you didn't get yourself killed for real. And I promised her, and I held her hand until she fell asleep and your brother and your father got back, and she died peacefully in her sleep that night. But she knew. That's what I needed to tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"She knew…" Alex whispered it over and over. "She knew I was alive and she said she was proud of me."

"Of course she was proud of you, Lex. She told me so every time I saw her."

"She never told me. She always called me Alexandra and refused to call me Alex because it wasn't feminine enough. She didn't want me to be a lawyer because it was too aggressive. And she couldn't tell her friends I prosecuted sex crimes. Too dirty and unrefined. And Cabots don't acknowledge the existence of sex, much less vile things like rape and murder. And what man would ever want to marry me if I insisted on being smarter than him and beating him in an argument when I disagreed?"

The floodgates of unresolved grief opened up, and Olivia rolled onto her back, pulling Alex on top of her and rocking her gently back and forth as she cried, trying to forgive herself for everyone she had hurt when she'd gotten shot and gone into hiding. Olivia cradled Alex, rubbing her back, stroking her hair, and murmuring soothing phrases in her ear until she calmed down.

Alex held onto Olivia even after she stopped crying. "I don't know why you're doing all of this for me, Liv. Talking to my mom, taking me in, holding me together like this… I don't deserve it, but thank you," she murmured. Olivia's skin prickled at the vibrations against her neck.

"Lex, you're my friend, and I care about you, and you absolutely _do_ deserve it, and so much more. And really, I'm just looking out for the People of New York. How are they going to sleep at night without you putting the perps in jail?"

Alex giggled into Olivia's neck, and she shifted out from under her. Alex sat up on the bed and caught a glimpse of herself in Olivia's mirror, horrified at her smudged makeup and red, puffy eyes. "Liv, I'm sorry… With the exception of one time when my mom died, I've never cried in front of anyone before, and it seems that all I do around you now is cry."

Olivia sat up next to her and touched Alex's cheek gently. "You don't have to apologize for crying, Lex. You've been through a lot the past few days… hell, the past few years. And I'm glad you can let your guard down in front of me. You've been keeping it up long enough. I told you I've got you, okay?"

She looked at the clock next to the bed. "It's almost 5. Why don't you make that call to the doctor before she leaves for the day, and I'll draw you a bath so you can relax a bit before dinner. How about some tea?"

Alex bit her lip, looking away from Olivia, unwilling to admit that the idea of a bath made her feel just a little too vulnerable. "I think I'll just have a shower, actually. But I'll take you up on the tea afterwards. And then I'm going to stop being a selfish bitch and ask you about your day, yesterday and today."

When Alex emerged from the bathroom, dressed casually, she was considerably more relaxed, and her eyes were less puffy. Olivia was sitting on the couch, looking over a cold case file, and handed Alex her cup of tea.

"Feel better?" she asked as Alex sat down next to her.

"A bit. Thanks." Alex took a sip of her tea. "So, want to tell me about your day?"

"Nothing much to tell. I did the laundry and grocery shopping I meant to do yesterday, then I caught up on some paperwork. Cleaned out some space for you in case you want to get some more stuff from the apartment. I hadn't expected you to be out all day."

"I didn't expect to be out all day either. Laura called me just as I was leaving the hospital, so I took a walk in the park and then went to a café to work on a case. Ended up talking to Moredock instead. What about yesterday?"

"Alex, I don't want to talk about yesterday. Let's just say that I did something I shouldn't have and I regret it."

"Something like Jenna?"

"Alex, drop it, please."

Alex went to the door to grab her attaché bag, and pulled out the file she'd be arraigning in the morning, spreading out the crime scene photos in front of her, and taking notes on her legal pad. She was lost in thought when the doorbell rang, until Olivia answered and came back ushering in Nicole and her daughter.

Alex jumped up to greet her friends and offer a kiss on the cheek, forgetting the graphic images splayed over the table until she noticed the girl's pale face and shocked expression.

"Shit, I'm sorry," she offered, picking up the images as quickly as she could. "I was getting some work done on a case. I wasn't expecting company."

Nicole brushed off the apology and held out an aluminium food tray and a bottle of wine. "I called Olivia earlier and thought I'd stop by with some lasagna. We thought you might be up for a nice meal after yesterday's drama."

"Thank you; that's so kind. Will you stay and eat with us?"

"We don't want to impose…"

"You're not imposing; you brought us dinner. The least we could do is share. And really, thank you. it would have been take-out for us otherwise. The lasagna smells delicious." Alex smiled and motioned towards the couch, inviting their guests to sit. "You're Elena, right?"

Alex made small talk with her guests while Olivia poured wine for herself and Nicole and heated up the lasagna in the kitchen until she could casually bring up the topic she'd been waiting to ask about. "So, Elena, I hear you're friends with Laura Simmons?"

Elena nodded. "Did she call you today?" Nicole asked. "She wanted your phone number, but I told her that she should wait until the end of the week to call you. I figured I'd tell you on Thursday at bells, and you'd have time to deal with… you know. I hope that's okay."

"She did call me today, and it's okay. We talked," Alex explained. "I was wondering if you know anything about her parents."

Mother and daughter looked at each other. "Well," Nicole began, "I don't like to speak ill of people, and I don't know them that well, but let's say that I'm not sure why they ever came to our church. They're so much more conservative than anyone else there."

"Laura says they like to go to different 'heathen' churches and try to convince people to go to their more conservative church," Elena said. "She said they think of it like going on missions."

Alex nodded. "From what she told me, they sound pretty extreme. I just want to make sure nobody's hurting her."

Elena shifted in her seat, uncomfortably. "When we were changing for gym class once, I accidentally saw that her back was covered in welts. She told me to back off when I asked her about it. I told a guidance counselor, but I don't know if they did anything about it. Now she changes in the bathroom, so I don't know… but sometimes she looks really stiff or like it hurts to sit down."

Alex winced. "Elena, you did the right thing by telling the guidance counselor. Normally they should have called Child Protective Services to report suspected abuse, and they would have done a home inspection. Did she ever say anything to you about injuries she's gotten?"

"Not really. She keeps to herself, and she's hard to get to know. I had to try hard to get her to talk to me even at lunch. I think her parents don't like her having very many friends or going out very much. But she did tell me one time that her parents were upset with her because they caught her holding her boyfriend's hand. And another time because she wanted to wear a little makeup to a school dance, and they didn't want her to go. Now she keeps the makeup in her locker at school." Elena said. "What did she want to talk to you about?"

"Laura asked me to be her lawyer, so I can't tell you what she talked about. But I'm glad she has a friend like you looking out for her." Alex paused. "Please don't tell her we had this conversation, but if she talks about her parents again, encourage her to come talk to me, okay? I may be able to help her."

"Sure, Alex. I'm trying to get her to join the theater guild or the debate team with me so she has some activities outside of church, but so far she hasn't wanted to."

"Well, she just moved here, so maybe now that she's getting settled in she'll want to join something. You're on the debate team? I taught high school English for a year in Portland and coached the debate team. What's the topic?"

"Resolved: The United States ought to prioritize the pursuit of national security objectives above the digital privacy of its citizens."

Alex and Olivia laughed, and said simultaneously, "She should talk to Munch."

"He's a detective I work with," Olivia explained. "He's been paranoid about Big Brother watching him for as long as I've known him. Since before 9/11, even."

"When did you teach high school? I thought you've always worked for the DA's office," Nicole inquired.

Alex looked at Olivia for reassurance. She didn't like talking about her time in Witsec, and preferred to avoid the topic with casual acquaintances. But she liked Nicole, and her daughter, and they had been thoughtful enough to bring her dinner, after all. She definitely _wanted_ them as friends.

"I left New York for just over 3 years. I tried to prosecute a lieutenant in a Colombian drug cartel for raping and murdering an undercover police officer, got shot, and went into Witness Protection until the people with the hit out on me were rounded up and extradited. I got back about a year ago. Portland is one of the cities I lived in while I was gone."

Their look of surprise was interrupted by a knock at the door from Casey, carrying a bag of take-out.

"I brought you guys some Chinese food," she began, noticing that they had already eaten. "But it looks like someone beat me to the punch."

"Thanks, Casey. This is Nicole and her daughter Elena, who brought dinner after they saw the entertainment at the church yesterday," Alex said, introducing her friends. "Casey, have some lasagna and some wine. It's delicious. You can save the Chinese for lunch tomorrow."

"I'll put it in Liv's fridge so you don't have to worry about food tomorrow. I came over to tell you about some interesting things that happened today, but they can wait."

"It's okay, Casey. I haven't told them, but I'm sure they've already figured it out. And I could use some good news."

"Well, it seems there was a mix-up in central booking today," Casey said slyly. "It seems that Robert was sharing a cell with your friend Mr. Manning, and _somebody_ let it slip that Robert was your husband." She swallowed a sip of wine, her eyes laughing. "A heated 'discussion' about you ensued, and both of them ended up in the infirmary. Manning was too smart to confess and spoke only hypothetically, but we've as good as got Robert's confession on tape."

Alex laughed. "I knew he wasn't a criminal mastermind," she acknowledged. "As for Mr. Manning, I had the _pleasure_ of meeting him in interrogation last week. We didn't have enough to hold him at the time, but based on that conversation, I can imagine what he said to provoke Robert. But even if I _do _get a confession from him, I have a feeling he'll go for an affirmative defense. I may have told him last week that I thought he was lacking in creativity, given his shortcomings in other areas. Of course, I'm sure Robert's version of events will give him enough fantasies to last him through death row."

"What kind of affirmative defense is there for raping, torturing, and murdering four women?" Casey shook her head. "He's going for extreme emotional disturbance?"

"Lex, I thought we agreed that emasculating violent criminals in interrogation was _not_ a good life choice?" Olivia laughed, imagining Alex telling a perp that he wasn't even a competent rapist.

"Probably. And I thought that only applied to Colombian drug lords. But yeah, it appears Mr. Manning likes to rape and kill women because of suffering caused by his _micropenis_. That's why it was straight homicide and not an SVU case. Detectives didn't find evidence of sexual assault until they found his stash of tapes on Thursday, which is what finally got us the arrest warrant. Fourth victim was his fiancée, and she was a virgin. CSU found a video of him raping her, but Warner says her hymen was still intact when they recovered the body."

Alex looked up at Nicole. "Nicole, I'm sorry. We shouldn't be discussing this over dinner. We're used to it, but I've probably made you lose your appetite." She didn't add that it was probably inappropriate to be discussing violent crimes graphically it in front of a sixteen year old.

Elena looked at her mother, then at Alex. "Don't worry about me. I've seen worse on TV. He's going to jail though, right?"

"Um, don't worry about it." Nicole shook her head. "I guess I just didn't realize how much violence you have to deal with all the time."

"I've got more than enough evidence to get him the death penalty. He's not getting a deal. And if he claims EED, even better for me. His lawyer will have to put him on the stand, and I'll get to cross examine him in court." She reached over to pull out photos of the victims from her case file, showing Casey pictures of four tall, beautiful women with blonde hair and blue eyes. "And who better to provoke him on the stand than me?" She put the pictures back. "Any chance you want to sit second chair on this, Casey? It should have been your case, after all. No chance I'm giving SVU cases to Peluso, and I'm not sure Finn or Rossi could handle it just yet."

Casey nodded. "Let's see when it's going to trial and how my caseload is."

"Did Robert get representation?"

"Yeah, Lionel Granger." Casey answered. Alex choked on her water, and shared a shocked look with Olivia. Casey looked back and forth between the two women. "Am I missing something? Granger's not that great."

"Granger represented Rafael Zapata," Alex whispered. "The man who had me killed." Casey's only reaction was to swallow more wine.

"Do you think he knows?" Olivia asked gently.

"Robert doesn't know. I never talked about it with him. But I'd bet my life _again_ that Granger does."

The conversation lulled for a few minutes, with Casey not wanting to bring up the real reason for her visit, the prospect of offering Robert a deal, and Nicole and Elena uncomfortable with the violent images they now imagined.

"Alex, we've got to get going, as Mark and Julie will be home soon. Will we be seeing you at yoga tomorrow?" Nicole finally asked

"I won't be physically able to do yoga for at least a few weeks, unfortunately," Alex said. She had been able to do modified yoga despite her shoulder injury, but she didn't want to share her more intimate injuries that would prevent her from exercising. "But I'll see you in bells on Thursday."

Elena bit her lip, hesitating to ask the question that everyone except her already seemed to know the answer to. She knew it wasn't polite to ask, but her mother hadn't told her, and she wasn't even sure her mother knew beyond the arrest at the church. "Alex? What exactly happened with… Robert?"

"Elena, that's rude. Alex doesn't need you prying into her personal life." Nicole snapped, heading to the door. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'll see you on Thursday."

"Nicole, it's okay. I don't blame her for being curious. And I'm sure you're curious too, just too polite to ask," she smiled softly at the woman. "Elena, Robert was my fiancé until he raped me on Friday. So I broke up with him and reported it, and he's going to jail."

A brief look of panic crossed Alex's face as Elena stepped in to hug her tight, and her arms flailed for a second before Olivia touched her back, whispered, "Lex, you're okay."

Elena pulled back, confused. "Did I hurt you? I'm sorry… I just thought you could use a hug."

Alex blinked back the tears that had started to form in her eyes, and pulled the girl back into a hug. "Thanks. It's okay. Just surprised, is all."

"Elena, you didn't know, but survivors of rape and sexual assault are usually a bit uncomfortable being touched unexpectedly for a while," Olivia explained quietly.

"Elena, it's okay. I'm fine. You didn't know, so don't worry about it, alright?" Alex left her hand on the girl's arm and smiled at her through cloudy eyes. "But we'll give you our rape crisis speeches some other time." She walked the women to the door. "Just, do me a favor and be a friend to Laura, okay? And Nicole, thank you so much for dinner."

Alex sighed and leaned against the door after she closed it, before going back to collapse on the couch. Casey had been planning to stay to discuss the possibility of pleading Robert out, but given the circumstances, simply squeezed Alex's hand and told her they'd talk after arraignment the next morning.

Alex went straight into the bedroom to put on her pyjamas, and flopped down on the bed without saying a word to Olivia, who brought her a cup of tea a few minutes later, and sat down next to her on the bed, rubbing her back gently.

She put down the latex glove and cotton swabs she had carried in from the bathroom on the side table, along with the ointment she had dug out from Alex's attaché bag. She put a hand on Alex's shoulder to turn her over, and tears immediately welled in her eyes when she realized what Olivia meant to do.

"Lex, I need to let me do this so you don't get an infection, okay?" She held up the cotton swabs. "I'm going to be as gentle and fast as possible, and I'll use these instead of my fingers so I don't have to touch you as much."

Olivia turned the light on next to the bed, put on the glove, and applied the ointment to the swab. Alex reluctantly pulled down her pants, begrudgingly accepting that she wasn't able to do this herself. "Alright, Lex, I'm going to put one finger in, very gently, so I can feel where the ointment to go, and then I'm going to slide in the cotton swab. I know it's uncomfortable for you to have me touching you like this, and it might hurt a bit since you're not aroused, but I'll be as gentle and as fast as possible, I promise." She waited for Alex to nod her consent before gently sliding in her finger, soliciting soft whimpers. "Lex, open your eyes so you know it's just me, and I'm not going to hurt you."

She continued speaking as she turned the blonde around to apply the ointment to the other set of stitches. "Alright, Lex, this time I'm just going to get a look inside so I can put the swab in with the ointment, okay?" When she was done, she removed the glove and threw it away, along with the swabs. Alex quickly pulled her pants back on, and hid her face in the pillow to hide her tears and embarrassment.

"That wasn't so bad, was it? You okay, Lex?" she asked softly, when she returned to the bed after washing her hands and began rubbing Alex's back again to soothe her..

"Just a little embarrassed," Alex admitted.

"It's normal to be a bit jumpy," Olivia soothed. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

"It's just too much."

"What is, sweetie?"

"All… this. Trying to figure out how the hell I got myself in a relationship where I was raped. Thinking about Witsec and everything that happened to me while I was away that I couldn't control. Feeling responsible for a pregnant, lesbian sixteen year old whom I have to protect from her abusive parents… It's just all too much."

"Shh, Lex. It's going to be okay. We're going to work on the Witsec stuff together. And you're not _responsible_ for Laura, you're just helping her, and it's something to be proud of. You're standing up for victims again, like in SVU, right?"

"Except I'm a victim now. I know you didn't want to say it earlier, but that's what I am." They were both quiet for a few minutes, with Olivia continuing to rub Alex's back and stroke her hair. "Liv? About the stuff you found in my bag…"

"Lex, I just stuck everything in the back of your drawer. That's none of my business."

"I just didn't want Robert to find it after I left…"

"I understand, Lex."

"I don't know why I started reading that stuff to begin with."

"You don't owe me an explanation. Or anybody else."

"I want an explanation for myself."

"An explanation for why you enjoy reading an erotic novel?"

"An erotic _lesbian_ novel." Alex cringed.

"Lex, I told you, nobody, including me, is going to accuse you of being a lesbian based on your reading material. But if you're wondering why it turns you on, I don't know if anyone can answer that question, including you. But you don't have anything to be embarrassed about."

"Liv, I'm straight. I've always been straight."

"I'm not disputing that." Olivia paused. "People have fantasies about all sorts of things, from rape to threesomes to fetishes to kink and BDSM. Doesn't mean they always want to act on them. Just like you enjoying lesbian erotica doesn't mean you want to act out those fantasies. Only you can decide that."

"Why doesn't straight erotica turn me on, then?" Alex regretted the admission as soon as it came out of her mouth, and blushed profusely.

"I don't know, sweetie. For the record, it doesn't do anything for me either, and I've slept with men."

"But have you enjoyed sleeping with men as much as sleeping with women?"

Olivia thought for a minute. "No. Overall, I've been more satisfied with women."

"I rest my case."

"Your case only proves that _I_ happen to like women more than men and lesbian porn more than straight porn. It doesn't set any precedents for your sexuality. Correlation is not causation, counselor. Especially when your sample size is one." Olivia pointed out.

"Do you at least know why you like it more?"

"Sex with women, or lesbian erotica?"

"Yes."

Olivia sighed. "I prefer both for the same reason. In regular sex, it's always all about the penis. As long as a man has an orgasm, sex is successful in his eyes. But with women, it's different. Women usually take the time to pleasure each other, because it's not as obvious. They're equals. Lesbian erotica usually reflects that: women kiss, and touch, and caress each other. It's about the emotional connection, not just the physical release. Does that make sense?"

Alex nodded and grunted, keeping her face buried in the pillow.

"Lex, you told me the other night that Robert was mostly interested in getting himself off, and would sometimes even hurt you during sex by not making sure you were aroused first. I don't know how your previous lovers were in bed, but I think it makes sense that you would want to read about women giving and receiving pleasure, gently and lovingly, if that's what you were lacking." She paused, lowering herself onto the bed to make eye contact with Alex. "If you _are_ questioning your sexuality and want to experiment, I can bring you to a safe space to do that, where people are very discrete, once you're ready. And if you're not questioning, that's fine too. Either way, I told you before that the next person you invite into your bed should be someone you trust and someone who will focus on your comfort and pleasure above his or her own. But Lex, either way, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, okay?"

Alex nodded, still red from blushing and with tears in her eyes. "Thanks, Liv."

Olivia tucked her under the covers and kissed her temple, spooning her from the back. "You're welcome, sweetie. I'll stay here until you go to sleep, and we'll solve the mystery of your sexuality later."


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Baby chapter this time! Sorry! Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words. Please enjoy & review.**

Alex felt surprisingly safe when she woke up in the morning with Olivia's arms still wrapped around her. She looked over her shoulder to see that Olivia had fallen asleep in her clothes, on top of the covers, behind her, and had kept her arm wrapped firmly across Alex's waist. She was grateful for Olivia's affectionate nature. She had seen before how Olivia freely offered hugs and gentle, reassuring touches on the arm to victims who accepted being touched and to frightened children. The first time Olivia had comforted her was after Sam Cavanaugh's attempted suicide, and again after the Cheryl Avery case.

When Alex had come back for the Connors trial, Olivia had seemed to know exactly what she'd needed. She'd let her talk about Wisconsin, and the pain of sleeping with someone who didn't even know her real name. She'd given her the Connors file, so Alex could provoke him on the stand. And then she'd held her both nights as she cried about missing New York and her mom and her old life and about being so afraid all the time. Olivia had never once made Alex feel ashamed or offered platitudes about 'acceptance' and 'moving on' like the agents and her Witsec shrink had.

And now, after a few years with no physical contact at all, followed by 6 months of Robert groping her and only touching her for his own pleasure, when he'd wanted sex, never just with affection, she thought it was nice to be around her best friend, whose hugs somehow made her feel safe, and who didn't demand anything in return. The thought of anyone else touching her made her cringe, but Olivia always asked permission, and always sensed what would make Alex comfortable without having to ask.

She turned over in Olivia's arms when she heard her groan and shift behind her.

"Good morning," Alex said, suppressing a laugh as Olivia stretched out and rubbed her eyes. She pulled her arm out from under Alex and propped herself up on her elbow.

"Certainly is. It's not every morning I get to wake up with a beautiful woman in my arms." Alex blushed, and Olivia reached over to tuck a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "How are you doing this morning, Lex? You sleep okay?"

Alex nodded. "Better than I have in a while," she admitted. "A little nervous about seeing Robert at arraignment, though. I'm on the docket right before Casey."

"You'll be okay," Olivia reassured her. "You know he can't do anything. There'll be a courtroom full of guards. Do you want me to come, just in case?"

"Would you mind?"

"Of course not, Lex. Let's go get dressed and get some coffee so we'll be ready to go."

Alex had no trouble getting remand for Manning on four counts each of kidnapping, rape, and murder, and afterwards, she went and took a seat next to Olivia in the gallery while Robert's case was presented.

"Docket ending 4-0-1-5, The People versus Robert Sheldon. Charges are Rape 1 and Sexual Misconduct 4. How does the defendant plead?" Moredock read.

"Not guilty, Your Honor," Robert spoke forcefully, and turned around to look at Alex, who remained stoic and stared him down. Olivia touched her hand, and Alex gripped it tight.

"Can I hear the People on bail?"

"Your Honor, the defendant is a wealthy businessman with unlimited financial resources. He is accused of committing a violent crime against an officer of the court, and has already violated the temporary order of protection issued against him. The People request remand." Casey argued.

"Your Honor, my client is a respected member of the community who is deeply hurt by his fiancée's allegations of violence and eager to prove his innocence. The People's accusation that he violated an order of protection was merely a misunderstanding, as Mr. Sheldon is not as well-versed in the legal system as his fiancée. He will voluntarily surrender his passport, but remand is excessive. It places an undue burden on an innocent man, who has an important, high-level job on Wall Street, and puts him in danger. You can see evidence of the violent attack he sustained in jail from a murder suspect currently being prosecuted by my client's fiancée. Her high profile puts my client at risk for violence. We request ROR and my client will agree to abide by the TOP in the future."

"Your Honor, the defendant's injuries were sustained during a fight _he_ initiated with a fellow inmate in lockup during which both men were fighting over perverse sexual fantasies involving the victim. If Mr. Sheldon is released, we believe she would be in imminent danger of harm. Due to the violent nature of the attack, the continued harassment of the victim in her own church, the ample physical evidence, and a confession taped in the holding cell yesterday…"

"You've got remand, Ms. Novak. The defendant will be a guest of the state until the trial."

"Your Honor, my client wishes to exercise his right to a speedy trial to clear himself of these spurious, vengeful charges."

"So noted. Take it up with the trial judge. Next case." Moredock banged his gavel, looked at Alex, and winked as Granger and Robert walked away.

Casey, Alex, and Olivia exited the courtroom together, and Casey rolled her eyes as she saw Lionel Granger approach. "Did you notice how he kept referring to you as 'his client's fiancée'?" Casey asked Alex. "Seems like he still hasn't quite gotten the hint that you don't belong to him."

Alex shook her head, and called out to Granger, who had just entered earshot and was approaching the women. "So, Mr. Granger, should I take it personally that you seem to enjoy representing my enemies? First Zapata, now Robert… and for the record, I'm your client's _ex-_fiancée. Unless that was a slip of your tongue."

"Ms. Cabot, everyone deserves a defense. And I'm not sure Mr. Sheldon will be able to get a fair trial in Manhattan, with half of the judiciary in your pocket. I'm going to appeal the bail hearing. Usually remand is only permissible in murder cases."

"Except when the defendant has violated an order of protection and is harassing the victim," Casey snapped. "Remand is entirely appropriate. Besides, I doubt Mr. Sheldon will want to go to trial on this after he sees how extensive our evidence is. Would you like to meet and see for yourself, so you can properly advise your client? We may be willing to deal."

"This afternoon? 2:30?"

"Fine. Just keep in mind that the only way to get an acquittal with a case this strong is to put the victim on trial. And I think you'll find Ms. Cabot is impeccable."

"Casey, you shouldn't taunt him like that. Not that there's anything to dig up on me, but still, he can try," Alex said.

"Alex, they can't put your sex life on trial. I don't care if you were having orgies and practicing bondage in college - he can't bring it up."

"I know. And for the record, I wasn't. My sex life has always been very boring."

"For the record, that's none of my business, and I wasn't asking," Casey reassured her.

"I'd like to watch the meeting, if you don't mind." Alex said.

"I don't mind, but are you sure it's a good idea?"

"No, I'm not sure," she answered. "But I think I need to do it anyway." She looked at her watch, then back to Olivia and Casey. "I'm meeting a friend from the _Times_ for lunch. I'll see you in the squad room this afternoon."


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Baby chapter again this time! I think they're going to be shorter from now on, because it'll take longer if I pressure myself to do 6k words each time. Sorry! Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words. Please enjoy & review.**

* * *

"Sexual misconduct, 18 months probation, Mr. Sheldon keeps his job on Wall Street." Lionel Granger offered. Alex had just arrived to watch the interview with Olivia, and it was already underway.

"Rape 1, 10-15, and sexual misconduct for the birth control tampering, 2 years, sentences served concurrently. We don't prosecute your client for additional state and federal drug charges related to purchasing counterfeit prescription medications online. Your client makes a sizeable donation to a charity of Ms. Cabot's choosing for victims of rape and sexual assault. Finally, in the event that your client's actions resulted in an unexpected pregnancy and Ms. Cabot chooses to keep the child, Mr. Sheldon signs away all parental rights and sets up a trust fund in the child's name. He gets out in 8 with good behavior and we protect him from Ms. Cabot's many friends in Rikers. Take it or leave it." Liz offered coldly.

"I'll leave it." Robert smirked. "She's my fiancée. I didn't rape her. And if she's having a baby, it's mine."

"That's not what a jury will say when they hear this." Casey pushed the tape recorder into the middle of the table and pressed play. "We have you on tape telling Mr. Manning exactly what you did."

_"So, Alexandra Cabot is going to marry you, huh? Too bad. I bet she's a frigid bitch. I could sure teach her a thing or two." _Alex recognized the voice as Karl Manning's, the man she would be prosecuting for rape and murder. She instinctively reached over and took Olivia's hand.

_"Not at all. I have her begging me every single day. I own her. She never tells me no."_

_"You? I don't believe it. I just met her last week. Bitch could use a good lay, so you're clearly doing something wrong."_

_"She was having '_female problems'_ last week. Lucky for me I've got something on the side for when she's unavailable. Or lots of somethings, if you know what I mean. But by Friday she was begging for it." _He lowered his voice. _"You know how I know she wanted it? I called her office on Friday to tell her I was staying out late so she'd come home. I knew I'd find her taking a bath. She was touching herself, all for me. Usually she's a prude - likes me to fuck her under the covers with the lights out because she has this huge ugly scar, and tiny breasts, and her stomach sticks out too much. I keep telling her to get plastic surgery and go on a diet, but… she wanted me so bad. She was so wet when I brought her to the bed, and I tied her up with a tie she had given me so she could enjoy it without being shy. She kept telling me she didn't want to have sex, that she used to prosecute sex crimes and that I was raping her, but she came over and over when I was inside her. She had sex with me every day, so how could I be raping her?"_

Robert's expression was inscrutable as he heard his words play back for him through the tape recorder. He hadn't realized that he'd been under surveillance once he'd been processed. At worst, he'd figured that an accused murderer wouldn't make a very good witness against him.

_"Bitches say that shit to control you with sex, and because they don't want to admit how much they want you to fuck them."_

_"Seriously. She tried to pull that when we first got engaged." _Robert made a squeaky, high-pitched voice. _"'Not tonight, honey. I've got a headache. I have court tomorrow. I'm too tired.' But once they know you need it every day, they come around. I just had to make her understand that it was easier to say yes than to say no."_

Casey stopped the tape. "You take the deal, and we also agree not to investigate additional counts of rape or sexual abuse for coercing Ms. Cabot on other occasions. Let's be very clear, Mr. Sheldon. This tape, along with the rape kit, the DNA from the tie corroborating Ms. Cabot's story of being restrained, and the extensive bruising and injuries to her genitals, _will_ get you convicted of Rape 1. And no judge is going to give you anything less than the max, regardless of your connections. You have until the end of the week, or the deal's off the table."

Liz stared him down. "Mr. Sheldon, I'd like to point out that the _only_ reason we're offering a deal at all with this much evidence is as a courtesy to Ms. Cabot, who prefers not to have this tape played in open court and published in every media outlet in New York. Might I remind you of the damage you'll be doing to your whole family's reputation in this state if this case is made public."

Without waiting for him to respond, Casey and Liz both got up and left the interrogation room.

Olivia reached out to squeeze Alex's hand, but Alex remained stoic as Casey and Liz entered the observation room.

"If he knows what's good for him, he'll take the deal," Liz said quietly, reaching out to touch Alex's shoulder.

"He grew up on Park Avenue spending summers at the Hamptons and was earning $12 million a year on Wall Street. He's not going to do well in prison." Alex commented, still staring through the window. Robert and Lionel Granger appeared to be having a lively discussion, but the sound had been turned off when the interview had ended.

"Even the Roberts of the world take deals when they know there's no other option. If he gets out in 8 years he'll at least have the option of having a life afterwards. He knows that." Liz said.

"And what, find some other woman to cater to his every need and have his babies?" Alex asked bitterly.

"Hey, at least it will be a matter of public record. He'll have to register. With a criminal record he'll never be able to work on Wall Street again. And anyone who googles him will know what he's done, forever. Some other woman can look him up and make her own choices." Casey said.

"You shouldn't have told him you were extending the offer as a courtesy to me. If he thinks I've screwed him by falsely accusing him, he might want to go to court just for the chance to humiliate me more. And _especially_ if he thinks I might be pregnant with his child… When I tried the spousal rape case, the judge wouldn't convict based mostly on the fact that their relationship was, by definition, sexual. If he goes to trial, and Granger tries to argue that it was consensual, rough sex and not rape because he had sex with me almost every day when we were living together, we could very well lose. And even with laws preventing him from bringing up my sex life, Granger knows that you open the door to that argument if you play the tape in court, because Robert talks about how it was 'easier for me to say yes than to say no.'"

"Alex, if he does that, we add additional charges for sexual abuse and use the tape to show a pattern of coercion, plus we can get him on the drug charges, which, to be honest, aren't worth our effort otherwise." Liz said.

"Also, Alex, the spousal rape case was a really tough one. It was a bench trial in front of a notoriously conservative judge. The defendant was a cop, so there were no domestic violence calls on record even though there had been multiple calls to the residence. There was no physical evidence because she didn't do a rape kit, and she kept physically attacking him and throwing heavy objects at him in front of multiple witnesses, _including_ me and Elliot. Not to mention the fact that they got back together immediately after the trial ended. That case was a lot less clear-cut than this one." Olivia said.

"Still, the fact that I was living with him for 4 months muddies the waters." Alex said.

"Not as much as you'd think. Especially since you reported the attack promptly, got physical evidence, and left right away. And a lot has changed in almost 8 years, too, Alex. I still think he'll take the deal." Liz reassured her.

"Maybe. I know if I were the prosecutor on this one, I'd feel good about the evidence. But as a victim… I don't know."

Liz gave her a quick hug. "It's not easy being on that side, I know. But you did great at the Connors trial, and there was virtually no evidence on that one. I doubt Casey will argue if I say that you're the one who got a conviction by provoking him. And I'm sure that if this does go to trial, you'd do just as well."

"With the added bonus of everyone in the DA's office and the judiciary knowing the intimate details of my attack and my sex life, or lack thereof." Alex shifted away from Liz and put on her coat. "I need to go for a walk to clear my head. Liv, I'll see you back at the apartment."

Alex walked for several hours, with a quick and determined city pace she had all but abandoned when she'd lived in cities that weren't New York during witness protection. Outside of New York and Boston, people hadn't walked as fast, or seemed as stressed or ambitious. She'd quickly learned that fitting in outside of the Northeast meant adopting a slower pace and a less caustic sense of humor. She had recovered the habit of fast walking out of necessity when she'd returned to the city, but still had trouble being as abrasive and tough in court and interrogations as she'd been before. She wasn't sure if that was because she was less inclined to belittle and emasculate defendants after Zapata, or if it was because she'd lost that part of herself when she'd had to be Emily from Tulsa in Wisconsin, then Kristin from Gainesville in Portland.

Had she lost her edge? She found herself sitting in her church, in the same pew where Robert had approached her on Sunday morning, wondering whether or not it was worth it. As a prosecutor, she had never questioned whether the cost of 'getting justice' for victims was too high, and she was sure she'd push to go to trial and get the max for an entitled ass like Robert - someone who had everything and thought he could take whatever he wanted. Was it hypocritical of her to desperately want him to take the deal, even with all of the evidence against him, now that _she_ was the one who would have to relive her attack in court, in front of friends and colleagues? And if Robert _did_ take the deal, one that included terminating his parental rights to the fetus he didn't yet know was growing inside of her, would that change her decision about continuing the pregnancy?

Alex arrived back at Olivia's apartment having called Laura to confirm the appointment for the next day, but without having found any answers. She found Olivia sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.

"I was going to give you another 20 minutes before I called to check out you and sent out a search party."

Alex smiled weakly. "I just had some thinking to do."

"About Robert?"

"About everything. About why I want him to take the deal so badly when I'd insist on taking this to trial as a prosecutor. About why I'm bringing a 16 year old to get an abortion tomorrow. About why I can't figure out what I'm going to do about my own pregnancy. About whether anybody will buy anything Robert says." She winced slightly as she fell back on the couch next to Olivia. As much as she didn't want to admit it, the pain in her stitches had lessened considerably now that she was following orders and having Olivia apply the antibiotic ointment once a day.

"Alex, nobody in that room thinks that you 'asked for it' because you had sex with Robert prior to him raping you. I doubt even _Robert_ thinks that." Olivia reached out to touch Alex, but she flinched and turned away.

"Logically, I know that. And I've never blamed a victim even a little bit, even in that admittedly tough spousal rape case."

"But…"

"But… when I came back to New York, I was a lot less tough than when I left. And he had a lot of opportunity to exploit my weaknesses… and to make me feel like he was as good as it was going to get for me. And I can't help but feel like if I hadn't allowed myself to be so vulnerable, none of this would have happened."

"Alex, the way he was in interrogation today - and on that tape - We both know he wasn't like that when you met him. I've told you this before, and I'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it to believe it. You know how these guys operate. They're charming and smart and funny to the whole world, and they change slowly. You've been dealing with a major trauma that you probably didn't fully heal from in Witsec, the loss of your identity, and your mom, and then coming back to it all suddenly. It's understandable that with all the stress you've been under, it would have taken a while to notice the changes. You did nothing wrong, Alex. And you know that nothing he said in there was true."

Alex closed her mouth and looked down, unconsciously examining her breasts and stomach as she absentmindedly reached up to rub the scar on her right shoulder. She generally preferred to keep her scar covered up, a habit from her time in Witsec, but had resisted when Robert wanted her to get it fixed by a plastic surgeon. He'd only relented when she had mentioned getting it taken care of sometime before the wedding, so she could wear a sleeveless dress. Of course, in private he'd been furious when she'd worn a strapless red dress to their engagement party, and only half-heartedly attempted to cover the ugliest part on her back with makeup. Nobody had dared to comment to her directly, but she hadn't felt comfortable showing her scar to anyone before or since.

"And you most certainly do _not _need plastic surgery or a diet. You're beautiful. Really, Lex." Olivia leaned over to kiss her on the cheek, and put her hand over Alex's on her injured shoulder. She was rewarded with a faint smile.

"Thanks. I'm just feeling a little insecure, I guess."

"How about we eat, then? Do you want leftover lasagna or the Chinese food Casey brought by last night?"

"Whatever you're having is fine."

They ate mostly in silence after Olivia brought warmed up plates into the living room and set them on the coffee table. Olivia knew that Alex had had lunch with a journalist friend from the _Times_, and that she knew Olivia knew, and would presumably mention it if she wanted to talk about it. And Olivia wanted to avoid the topic of the deal, which she knew was weighing on her friend's mind during her long walk, at least until Alex wanted to talk about it.

"I got some movies from the library and got the first two seasons of _How I Met Your Mother _on DVD. I'm not sure how Laura will feel tomorrow, but if she's uncomfortable, she can relax. I also got some tea and hot chocolate and put the hot water bottle on my dresser. What's the plan for tomorrow?"

"That's really thoughtful, Liv. I'm sure she'll appreciate it. I called her on my way home and told her I'd meet her at 8. Her appointment's at 9, and Dr. Logan said it won't take very long. She'll have to wait until the anaesthesia wears off, but we should be back here by mid day."

"Okay. I'm just going to clean some stuff out of the office in the morning and then read some old case files. I might go for a run. But I'll be around."

After dinner, they sat next to each other reading, until Alex got up to shower, followed by Olivia. When Olivia entered the bedroom after getting dressed, she found Alex laying on her back on top of the covers, staring at the ceiling, with the lights off.

"Lex? You okay?" Olivia sat down on the side of the bed, and Alex rolled on her side, away from her. She took the ointment from the nightstand and put on a glove. "Let's do this quick, okay, then you can go to sleep."

Alex rolled onto her back, allowing Olivia to apply the medication, then dressed herself quickly and curled up under the covers.

"Do you want me to stay, at least for a bit, or sleep on the couch?"

"Stay, please," Alex said quietly. Olivia curled up facing her on the bed and took her hand.

"Thanks, Liv," Alex murmured after a while. "For not making me talk about it - the tape - what happened today. I still need some time to process everything."

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, Lex. But you know I'm here for you if you do, right?"

"I know. That's why I'm glad I'm not staying with Liz… she'd've gone on and on about the tape, and how awful it was, and how could he not jump on the deal, and she'd want to analyze everything. The woman doesn't know when to shut up."

"Sounds like someone I know." Olivia winked, which earned her a slap on the arm.

"I am analyzing everything. I'm just doing it in my head for now."

"It hasn't even been a week. You don't have to have everything figured out just yet. And I'm here as your friend, not your shrink, so I promise not to judge any ramblings that may occur." When Alex didn't respond, Olivia decided to change the subject. "Lex, how much does Laura know about Robert and why you're staying with me?"

"Just that he violated a restraining order and was arrested. I… when I was out on Monday, talking to her, I thought I was going to be able to get back to normal. To not… want to fall apart after being around people if I had something else to focus on. I didn't think I'd have to tell her, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep it together the whole time she's here."

"I can talk to her if you want. But I meant what I said about going to stay with Liz or Casey if it's too much. Or take a walk, or hide out in here. As long as there aren't any complications, I don't think first-trimester abortions are very painful or have very long recovery times. I'm sure she won't need that much attention. So take care of yourself, and if you're not here, I'll make sure she gets taken care of. Okay?"

"We'll see how I feel tomorrow. But I told you about Liz… and Casey… I like her, but I'm just not as comfortable with her as I am with you. So I'd rather stay here. And I'll still probably want you to stay with me. I feel better when you're here."

"You don't think she'll get the wrong idea?" Olivia asked. She had no qualms about Laura assuming they were sleeping together, but thought Alex might, since she had adamantly insisted that she wasn't gay several times already.

"I don't think anyone who knows I just broke up with my _male_ fiancé is going to read too much into me staying with you or being… needy. And since she doesn't want anyone to know about why she's here, she won't be telling anyone. Finally, she told me she's gay, so she wouldn't be in a position to judge, anyway."

"Okay. Whatever you want, Lex. Just let me know." She leaned over and kissed Alex gently on the forehead and squeezed her hand. "Goodnight, Lex."


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words. Please enjoy & review. To the reader who wanted to know about Alex's sexuality: I'm starting to deal with it in this chapter, and will continue in the next one. I'd welcome comments/stories about coming to terms with your sexuality if you have anything to share to help me make this more realistic. To be honest, my recent foray into AO fanfiction has convinced me that I'm bisexual at least, if not a lesbian, although I'm married and newly pregnant, so my own experimentation will likely be entirely literary for now. Fortunately, my husband is understanding of my huge girl crush on Stephanie March, which has only gotten worse since I've rewatched all of the Cabot episodes of SVU and her other TV/movie appearances. (I think the 30 Rock episode she's in is amazing). Anyway, thanks again in advance for your comments!**

* * *

The ride to the hospital the next morning was quiet. Laura had brought her school bag and an overnight bag with pyjamas and a change of clothes, and barely spoke to Alex as she put them in the trunk and climbed in the front seat.

Alex turned to look at her before starting up the car. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked gently. She noticed Laura was shaking slightly and her chin was quivering, but the girl nodded determinedly.

They rode in silence. It was still rush hour, so it took a while to get to the hospital parking lot even though the distance was short.

"Do you think it'll hurt?" she asked quietly as they pulled into the garage.

Alex turned off the ignition and leaned back in her seat. "I'm not sure," she answered truthfully, turning to look at Laura. "They'll give you some kind of anesthetic, but you'll have to ask the doctor about pain. And I'll hold your hand if you want me to. If you don't want me to, I'll stay in the waiting room. It's totally up to you."

Alex waited for Laura to give the cue to go, and when the young girl took a deep breath and opened the car door to get out, she followed.

They arrived up in the waiting room with ten minutes to spare, and when they sat down, Laura gripped the hand Alex had silently offered.

"Nervous? It's okay to be nervous or a bit unsure," Alex offered.

Laura nodded. "A bit nervous. But sure."

Dr. Logan came out promptly and greeted Alex with a warm smile. "Ms. Cabot, I've seen entirely too much of you this week. What can I do for you?"

Alex blushed and nodded towards Laura. "I'm here with Laura Simmons this time, not myself. May I speak to you for a moment, though?"

The two women followed the doctor, and the doctor closed the door to the examination room after instructing Laura to change into a hospital gown.

"What can I do for you, Ms. Cabot?"

"Ms. Simmons asked for my help - legal help - getting an abortion, which is why I brought her. She was pretty determined when she came to me, so I don't think I've influenced her decision one way or the other, but I'd like you to talk to her to make sure she's sure of what she wants without me there. I told her that in exchange for my help, I wanted her to talk to you privately first. I also know she's concerned about pain."

"Fine. Whenever pregnant women come to see me, I always like to discuss the options privately to make sure nobody's coercing them one way or the other. Is she aware of your pregnancy?"

"No, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. I still plan on terminating next week, and I'm trying to keep it as private as possible. There's always a chance my ex might try some legal maneuver to cause problems for me if he finds out, and I might still run for office someday, and I don't want it to come back to haunt me. New York voters support a woman's right to choose, but that doesn't mean anyone's comfortable with women who have had abortions."

"I understand. I won't say anything. Is there anything else?" Dr. Logan asked.

"One more thing. I'd like to pay the bill, but I don't want her to know. I can more than afford it, and there's no reason she should have to spend her birthday money or allowance or whatever on this. Can you direct me to Billing and make up something to tell her?"

"I can do that. Some clinics have a sliding scale, so we'll go with that. I'm going to get started with her, and I'll come get you in the waiting room if she wants you to come in. It'll be about 30 minutes."

Alex thanked the doctor and returned to take a seat, pulling a novel out of her purse to read. She'd had tons of time to read and watch television in witness protection, and now, she relished any chance she got to take a break and read something other than a law journal. Of course, she'd fallen three years behind reading those when she'd left, and still had a stack piled as high as her waist next to her desk in her - Robert's - apartment.

Today's reading, though, was completely trashy. A romance novel. A _heterosexual _romance novel. She wanted to see if she found this story as appealing as some of her other choices, or at least figure out what she found appealing in the more erotic entertainment she enjoyed. Just to be safe, she'd covered the book's jacket with a brown paper bag, like she'd done in high school, to avoid being caught with the incriminating evidence.

She'd read the same page three times when she realized the reason she couldn't concentrate. If she was going to help a girl she barely knew in New York get an abortion, she had to assume responsibility for what had happened in Portland. Part of healing herself from witness protection had to be making amends to those she'd hurt by dying multiple times without saying goodbye. And Sarah Williams deserved justice, too.

Alex picked up her phone and scrolled through her contact list, finally selecting the number of a person she'd hoped she'd never have to speak to again. When the voicemail picked up, she pretended she was calm and collected. "Jack, this is Alexandra Cabot. I need your help resolving some unfinished business in Portland. Can you check to see if the Sarah Williams rape case was ever prosecuted, and get back to me? I need to make things right."

When she hung up the phone, feeling relieved, Dr. Logan had just appeared in the hallway to summon her back to Laura's room.

Alex had to consciously remind herself that she was in New York to stop herself from flashing back to Portland, when she'd brought a similarly frightened teenager to the hospital in the middle of a school dance. _Laura is not Sarah_, she reminded herself. She sat down on the chair next to the examination table.

"Okay, Ms. Simmons, the first thing I'm going to do is a quick ultrasound to make sure that your pregnancy is in your uterus and not ectopic. Normally you'd have already been brought in if you'd had an ectopic pregnancy, but I just like to be sure. You don't have to look or listen unless you want to."

Laura shook her head, and Dr. Logan turned off the sound and faced the monitor away from the girl, before slathering the cold gel onto her abdomen and taking a look. Alex got up to stand behind the doctor and take a look, and she covered her mouth with her hand, then sat down and took Laura's hand as the doctor put away the machine.

"Now I'm going to insert a suppository that will soften your cervix. I'm also going to give you a Vicodin, for pain. It'll take about 45 minutes for your cervix to be ready. I'll come back in 30 minutes to give you a shot of Novocain. Between the two pain medications, you should only feel a bit of pressure, and you should be up and walking about half an hour after the procedure. You might have some cramping or nausea this afternoon, but I can let you go home as soon as you can walk. Okay?"

Laura nodded her consent and the doctor handed her a small pill and a glass of water, then took another pill and pushed it into her gently, with one finger. Laura squirmed on the table at the unexpected contact.

"You can take your feet out of the stirrups until I come back, but I'm warning you: no squirming during the procedure. It'll be dangerous if you move, because I might puncture something. The drugs will stop you from feeling pain, but you'll still feel pressure down there. Are you going to be able to handle that?" Laura bit her lip and nodded. "Okay. I'll be back in a little while."

As soon as the doctor left the room, Laura crossed her legs and scooted back on the table. Alex recognized the protective movement as something she always did whenever she had to be examined. Laura fidgeted on the table, and Alex tried to distract her with questions about school and what she was reading in English class, but got only one-word answers. To be honest, Alex was nervous too. Laura may not know it, but Alex felt like she was looking a few days into the future, although she was fairly certain she'd opt for the less invasive medical abortion. She'd rather take a few pills and have a heavier-than-normal period than have a doctor scraping in her uterus. But that wasn't an option for Laura, who was further along.

The doctor came back into the room after the thirty minutes slowly ticked by, carrying a covered tray, which she set down at the business end of the table. She encouraged Laura to lie back and put her feet back up in the stirrups, and Alex swallowed hard when she saw the rather large needle uncovered on the tray. She scooted in to take Laura's hands in hers.

"Alright, I need you to hold Alex's hands and stay perfectly still. First I'm going to insert the speculum." Laura let out a quiet gasp and gripped Alex as the cold implement stretched her.

"It's alright, Laura. You're doing great." Alex reassured her. She realized that as uncomfortable as she usually was at the doctor's office, she'd at least had pelvic exams before. She doubted Laura's mother had ever brought her to a gynecologist if she'd denied the girl sex ed.

"Now, I'm going to numb you with a shot of novocain to your cervix. It's the same stuff you get at the dentist's office when you get a cavity filled," Dr. Logan explained. "It will sting a little, and it'll last a few seconds, so you need to be very careful not to move. Can you do that?"

Laura nodded, and whimpered as the needle entered her. She'd never had a cavity filled before, and it felt like her whole body was burning up from the inside. Alex tried to channel Olivia by leaning over and encouraging Laura to breathe, and reassure the girl that she was okay, until she glared when the doctor pulled out the needle with an "All done. That wasn't so bad, was it?"

The procedure itself lasted less than ten minutes, and Alex was glad that Laura seemed to recover fairly quickly. The doctor warned them both about the common after-effects: cramping, nausea, light bleeding, and created a diversion so Alex could pay the bill.

It was barely 11 and Olivia was still out for her run when they got back to the apartment, and Alex got Laura settled into her roll-out bed in Olivia's office and then showed her the hot water bottle, the movie selection, and the couch. Once the girl was settled with her movies and a cup of tea, Alex took a bookstore bag out of her briefcase and went to sit down next to her.

"How do you feel?" she asked gently. Laura looked a little pale, and still moved like she was in some pain.

"Honestly? Relieved." Alex masked her look of surprise. "I know I'm probably supposed to feel guilty or something, but I'm just really glad it's over. It feels like a big weight has been lifted."

"Then it sounds like you made the right choice," Alex reassured her. "There are plenty of people who would disagree, including your parents, but I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about." Alex paused. "And physically?"

"I'm still a bit numb. Starting to feel some cramps. But so far I'm okay."

"Alright. You'll let me know if you need anything or if we need to call Dr. Logan, right?" Laura nodded. Alex handed her the bag, and Laura pulled out a copy of _Our Bodies, Ourselves_. "I got you some light reading for while you're here," Alex explained. "Let's just say my mother wasn't too keen on giving the sex talk either, and I didn't have internet growing up, so… this is how I got my information. Read it, hide it in your locker, pass it on to someone else who needs it later, whatever. Just… be careful and be safe, okay?"

Laura nodded. "Thanks. I told you I'm a lesbian, though, right?"

Alex laughed. "Yes, but it's still useful to know basic biology. Besides, plenty of people are bisexual. Maybe you'll end up dating a man at some point too, and it'll come in handy." She paused awkwardly. "Laura, when did you realize you're gay, if you don't mind me asking?"

Laura shrugged. "I always thought the guys I went to school with were lame. Liked girls better. Had crushes on girls. Never played 'mommy and daddy with babies' when I had dolls. It was always 'mommy and her friends and babies'. Then I kissed a bunch of guys, and it was… it didn't appeal to me. And then I slept with one, and we know how that turned out."

"Most people's first sexual experience isn't that great, Laura. If they tell you that it was, they're usually lying." Alex commented. Her own first time had been awkward and unpleasant at best, and she'd been embarrassed that she'd waited as long as she had. She'd never had the intention of waiting until marriage, but the longer she'd stayed a virgin, the more nervous and self-conscious she'd become about sex.

"It wasn't that… I mean, he was really sweet about everything. It's just… how do I explain it? He had all of the qualities of someone I'd want to date, and we have great chemistry _as friends_, but I didn't like having sex with him. Not because he wasn't good, or attentive, because he was, but because I don't think I want to have sex with _any_ guy. I mean, my parents buy into that whole 'sex is only for procreation and if you're not making babies you shouldn't be doing it' crap, but you _are_ supposed to like it, right? Isn't that the point?"

"That _is_ the point," Alex confirmed. At least, she thought so. Now she was racking her brain, trying to figure out if she'd ever had sex because she wanted to and wanted to enjoy it. At first, she'd blamed her lack of enjoyment on lack of experience. In Witsec, she'd blamed her emotional pain and the fact that her lover hadn't even known her real name. And with Robert… he wasn't particularly gifted, and sex had quickly turned into an obligation.

"And then I kissed a girl, and slept with her and we… We didn't have sex but we touched each other, and it was different. It felt… right, I guess. I felt safe, cared for, you know?"

"Is she your girlfriend?" Alex asked.

"Sort of. She's not 'out' either, although her parents will probably be nicer about it than mine. But we agreed that we're just going to hang out and not go beyond kissing for now."

"That's probably a good idea. But what are you going to do about your parents?"

Laura shrugged. "Well, aside from my girlfriend, you're the only one who knows, and I trust you not to tell anyone. So, my plan is to stay in the closet until I graduate college, then cut ties with them. If I'm financially independent, they won't be able to do anything about it."

"That sounds hard," Alex commented.

"It is what it is. If I get put in foster care, I'm not going to get to _go_ to college. At least if I can get a degree, I'll have a shot. Neither of my parents went to college, and I think that's why they're so extreme and religious."

"If you're legally emancipated from your parents, you don't have to declare their income on your financial aid declaration. You could get a need-based scholarship. And I don't know how your grades are, but you might be able to get an academic scholarship too. But it can be an ugly battle in court."

"I don't know. I mean, they're still my parents, you know?"

"I know. All parents have their flaws, and I don't even know if there'd be enough to get you emancipated, but we can talk about it another time if you want." She smiled at a memory. "You know, from the time I graduated college my mother was harping on me to settle down and get married because 'my biological clock was ticking' and she wasn't able to get pregnant again after 30, and I _hated _it. It was probably the thing I hated most about her. We were finally starting to get along when I had to leave New York… and now that she's gone, I miss those fights that we had. Of course, her nagging might be why I ended up engaged to a man I didn't love, but that's another issue entirely."

"Elena told me what happened." Laura said. Alex looked away. "I'm sorry… I know she didn't tell anyone else, but she told me she'd come over with her mom, and that you had been asking about my parents, and then she told me what he did to you."

"He's in jail. And hopefully he'll be staying there for a very long time." Alex examined her own cup of tea. "And I meant to tell you… at least to explain why I'm staying here with Olivia instead of in my own place, at least temporarily. I just figured you had enough to deal with and I really don't want to talk about it anyway."

"Then we won't talk about it. I just thought you should know that I know. And look, I know this is really selfish of me, but I'm grateful that you were off of work this week so you could help me. Of course I'm not glad about what happened to you, but I know you're busy, and if he hadn't done what he did, you'd be working, and you wouldn't have been able to meet with me on Monday or take me today, and… I'm sorry, this is awful of me to say, and I'm going to stop talking now."

"Laura, it's okay. I know what you mean. I know you're not glad I was raped. And in spite of everything, I'm glad I'm able to help you too. I'm still in pain and I'm not in a great place emotionally, but I acknowledge that some good things have already come from it. I was able to get out of a really bad relationship that I was having trouble leaving. I reconnected with Olivia and some other friends, whom I hadn't contacted since I'd gotten back to New York. There's some advocacy I'm going to do now, that I wouldn't have been doing otherwise. And of course, I was available to help you, which I definitely don't regret. Of course I would prefer that it had never happened, but at least I'll make the best of it."

Alex took the now empty teacups and stood up to end the conversation. "I'm going to do a little bit of work, so I'll leave you with the remote and the DVDs. Let me know if you need anything."

She went into the kitchen and rinsed the dishes, just as she heard Olivia's key in the door. Alex automatically reached for a glass and filled it with ice water.

"How'd it go this morning?" Olivia asked, taking the glass of water Alex offered her to cool down from her run.

"Fine. I think she's doing okay. We talked a bit and now she's going to watch something while I get some work done."

"Okay. I'm going to hop in the shower and then do a bit of paperwork." Olivia said.

"At some point I'll run out to the grocery store so I can make dinner tonight," Alex said. "It's about time I showed you what I learned to cook in Witsec."

"Should I call the fire department in advance? Or Poison Control?" Olivia teased, and Alex hit her on the arm.

"I'll have you know that I haven't started any fires in _years_. And you will eat your words when you taste my lemon chicken."

"Whatever you say, Lex."

Olivia walked off to the bathroom and Alex settled down at the table with a new cup of tea, carefully angling her laptop's screen so that Laura and Olivia wouldn't be able to see it. She put on her glasses, pulled out her legal pad and drew two columns, jotting down some notes in each, before opening up an incognito window in her browser and googling 'how do I know if I'm a lesbian?'


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words and PMs. Please enjoy & review. **

**I'd still love comments/stories about coming to terms with your sexuality if you have anything to share to help me make this more realistic. To be honest, my recent foray into AO fanfiction has convinced me that I'm bisexual at least, if not a lesbian, although I'm married and newly pregnant, so my own experimentation will likely be entirely literary for now. Fortunately, my husband is understanding of my huge girl crush on Stephanie March, which has only gotten worse since I've rewatched all of the Cabot episodes of SVU and her other TV/movie appearances. (I think the 30 Rock episode she's in is amazing). **

**Finally, I remember reading a fanfic recently where Alex and Olivia go to Connecticut around Christmas and Olivia goes off to help during the Newtown school shooting. I can't remember if it was on this site - can't find it - or another one, but I'd like to read it again, so if anyone knows where I can find it, I'd be grateful.**

**Anyway, thanks again in advance for your comments!**

* * *

After an hour of reading articles of varying quality on many websites, and answering questions on the "Are you a lesbian?" quiz that basically asked different incarnations of 'Do you like girls?' and 'Do you want to kiss girls?', Alex felt like she was further away from an answer than she'd been when she'd started. No, she'd never been tempted to kiss a woman before. She'd never really given it much thought at all. But maybe she'd wanted to and hadn't recognized the feeling because she hadn't been looking for it. And as for whether she _liked_ girls or _like liked _them, well, that was what she was trying to figure out, wasn't it?

After page 5 of the search results yielded nothing new of interest, she closed her laptop and sighed. Normally, between Google and LexisNexus, she was able to find any answer she was looking for in a matter of minutes. The internet, she'd thought, was supposed to be both omnipresent and omniscient. And yet, it could not tell her whether or not she was gay.

Alex decided to cut right to the chase. She thought back to when she'd discovered she enjoyed lesbian erotica. It was a few months after the Connors trial, and she'd just settled in to Portland. This time, she'd decided against seeking out a warm body for physical gratification, like she'd done in Wisconsin. The sex with her insurance claims adjuster had been rough and intense, sometimes bordering on painful. It wasn't what Alex would have preferred, but it was what Emily had needed. To feel. He hadn't asked any questions she wouldn't have been able to answer, and hadn't even attempted to figure out whether he was pleasuring her, aside from assuming that the grunts and moans she made at varying intervals meant that she was enjoying herself. She'd gotten good at faking orgasm with Alan.

Emily from Tulsa had been able to do casual sex, but Kristin from Gainesville was determined not to. Since September, two of the young male teachers from her school had been vying for her attention. Soft rejection had only made them increase their efforts, and in her loneliness, Alex thought she'd need to learn to satisfy herself to keep from falling into another unhealthy relationship. She liked Portland, but she didn't know how long she'd be able to stay, anyway.

So, one Saturday afternoon, Alex had gone into a chain bookstore in the mall two towns over from where she lived to browse the romance section, selecting a few books and bringing them over to the easy chairs in a more neutral location to make her selection. The last thing she wanted was to run into her students while reading trashy novels. She'd picked three books the same way she'd picked her wine in college: mostly by the pretty, abstract covers, which, she'd thought later, should have been her biggest clue. She threw a few more highbrow selections into her basket, again in case any of her students saw her and wondered what reading material their English teacher had purchased, and paid.

The small vibrator she'd ordered online had arrived in a discreet package in her mailbox the day before, and, having never used one before, she was eager to try it out. Alex had never been big on pleasuring herself, but alone at 31, she figured it was time to learn.

The beginning of the story - the part she'd skimmed in the bookstore - progressed normally, and it wasn't until she'd gotten to the third chapter that she realized she'd picked up the wrong genre. Jamie, it turned out, was not a man, but another woman.

Alex turned the book over, now noticing the 'lesbian erotica' genre marking near the barcode. She'd almost stopped reading, but her curiosity got the better of her, and she decided to at least _try_ to enjoy herself. When she'd shifted in bed, unconsciously trying to relieve some of the pressure building between her legs, she'd realized she was more aroused than she'd been with either Alan or her claims adjustor. Between the book, her fingers, and the vibrator, she brought herself to several powerful orgasms that evening.

The next night, Alex realized that one of the books she'd bought had, in fact, featured straight characters, and she'd been disappointed that it didn't have quite the same effect on her. Maybe that should have been a clue.

"Earth to Alex…"

Alex was pulled abruptly out of her reverie by Olivia, who was standing in front of her holding a cup of coffee.

"Am I pulling you out of a nice daydream?" Olivia asked, smiling. "I made some coffee after I got out of the shower, and came to see if you wanted any while you were 'working'."

"Sorry, just thinking," Alex answered, blushing. "But I'd love some coffee. These cross-examinations don't write themselves, you know." She turned over her legal pad to hide her work and followed Olivia into the kitchen.

"Really, counselor? _That's_ what you're going with? That was most definitely _not_ your predatory courtroom smile, so I don't know what you were thinking about, but I'd bet my pension that it wasn't a cross-examination." Olivia took another mug out of the cabinet and made her coffee just how she liked it.

Alex sighed. She'd forgotten it was damn near impossible to lie to the detective. Olivia was a good interrogator, but her ability read Alex was uncanny. Alex's time away obviously hadn't changed that.

"In that case, I'm going to invoke my fifth amendment right against self-incrimination."

"The law protects you from rights violations by the government, not by private individuals. And since I'm not on duty… but you know what? I think with _that _smile, I actually _don't_ want to know whatever it is you're plotting."

"How do you know I'm plotting something?" Alex asked.

"Lucky guess. And the fact that you're almost always plotting something."

"Well, you're wrong. At the moment, the only thing I'm plotting is a grocery list so I can make dinner tonight."

She was interrupted by the ring of her cell phone. "Alexandra Cabot," she answered, unsure about who would be calling from an unidentified number.

"If it isn't my favorite pain-in-the-ass witness," came the voice on the other line.

"Hi Jack. Good to hear from you." Alex smiled warmly. Jack Hammond had been one of her least favorite people from the moment she'd met him, but she'd grown to appreciate him during the three years when he was the only person who knew her true identity. And he had managed to keep her safe until Velez and company had bit the dust, so she was grateful to him for that, too. "Were you able to find out anything for me?"

"Yeah. The Williams rape case didn't even make it to the grand jury. When you - when Kristin Walker - died, it was just her word against his, and without evidence—"

"— they didn't want to prosecute. Except there _was_ evidence. She had bruises and tearing, just no fluids. For crying out loud, I've won harder cases with less evidence."

"Well, not everyone is Alexandra Cabot. But the DA seemed open to reopening the case if a new witness came forward."

"Jack, I'll need you to corroborate my story. Probably at trial. I was very careful not to state my name, but to only provide my driver's licence as proof of ID, so that nobody could accuse me of making a false statement to police. But any defense attorney worth his salt will latch on to that to try to discredit my testimony."

"I'm aware of that. You've told me about plenty of cases the feds have ruined for you - I'll be there for this one, and you can consider it payback."

"That means a lot, Jack. I'm not ready to go back quite yet. To be honest, I still feel terribly guilty about abandoning her. But I'll probably go before the end of the school year. I'll let you know when I'm making the trip."

"Fine. You know where to reach me. How are you doing, Alex? Settling back into life in New York and trying high profile cases?"

"I'm doing alright. Coming back… hasn't been as smooth a transition as I'd hoped. I jumped into an engagement, which just ended… rather abruptly, but I'm starting to get back to my old self. It took me a while to get in touch with everyone, but I'm getting there."

"Like your detective?"

"My detectives? Benson, Stabler, Munch, and Fin?"

"I meant Detective Benson. I thought you and she were close. She is the one you insisted on seeing after you were shot."

"We were - we are close. We worked together very closely for three years. I wanted to see her because I didn't want her to blame herself for my death. She saved my life while I was bleeding out on the sidewalk. Actually, we just got back in touch this week. She's been a wonderful friend. Very supportive after the unexpected end of my engagement. I'm staying with her for a bit until I find a new place to live."

"Oh… I thought… I didn't realize," Hammond sputtered. "Well, give her my regards, and please do keep me posted on your travel plans. And Alex, do me a favor and try to stay out of trouble, will you?"

Alex laughed. "I'll try, but it seems to find me anyway."

"I know. I still have you on Google Alerts, and it seems like every week I'm getting something about your ADAs getting held hostage in a courthouse or something."

"What can I say? I guess being dead for three years means I like to live on the edge. I don't go _looking _for trouble, but it does seem to find me quite easily."

"Take care, Alex."

"Thanks, Jack. You too." Olivia looked at her curiously when she hung up the phone. "Jack Hammond," she explained. "He sends his regards. Apparently he thought you and I were 'close.'"

"I gathered that," Olivia said. She certainly hadn't forgotten the tearful goodbye they'd exchanged before Alex had been whisked away, or the fact that Alex had wanted her to spend the night in the safe house when she'd come back briefly for the Connors trial.

"I have some unfinished business in Portland," she began. "It's why I had to leave after less than a year. But I'll tell you about that later." She nodded towards Laura, who was stirring on the couch. "I'm going to run to the store so I can get dinner started. Do we need anything?"

"Nothing I can think of."

After making sure her laptop was on top of her legal pad before going into the living room to check on Laura, who was just waking up from a nap. "How are you feeling?" she asked quietly, touching the girl's forehead gently to make sure she hadn't developed a fever.

"Okay. A little sore."

"You can take some more pain meds now if you want. It's been a few hours. And you should go to the bathroom to make sure you're not bleeding too much. Can you get up on your own, or do you need some help?" Alex offered her hand, and Laura pushed up off the couch and wobbled on her feet. Alex steadied her and walked her towards the bathroom. "I'm going to run to the store to get stuff for dinner. Do you think you'll be able to eat something? Do you want me to get you anything? Saltines? Juice? Ginger ale?"

"Maybe some ginger ale. I think I'll be able to eat in a little while, though. I feel a bit sick but I am starting to get hungry."

"Okay. I'm going to make some rice to go with dinner, so you can at least try to eat that if nothing else. Call Olivia if you need help, okay? I'll be back in a little bit."

As soon as Alex closed the door behind her, Olivia began waging an internal battle. She would never violate Alex's trust by going into her purse or her briefcase without permission, but Alex had left the legal pad on the dining room table. Albeit under her laptop, but still. She was _dying_ to know what her friend had been 'researching' with the practically lecherous smile she'd had on her face. She knew it wasn't case law.

After allowing the debate to continue for a respectable amount of time, she checked to make sure Laura was settled back into the couch and watching an episode of something before she snuck a peak at the list Alex had been writing. True to methodical Cabot form, Alex had divided her page into two columns and written "Am I a lesbian?" across the top.

The left column was filled with bullet points in Alex's tiny, neat handwriting. _Turned on by lesbian erotica more than straight erotica. 'Girl crushes' on teachers in high school, Tina Fey, etc. Prefer one-on-one 'intimate' friendships with women to going out with large groups of friends. Few guy crushes and not munch interest in kissing guys. Not much interest in sex until age 21. Very few sex partners (3) and little desire to seek out sex. Don't find male bodies particularly attractive or think they smell good. Occasionally admire beautiful women, but never thought of them sexually? And doesn't everyone? Unsatisfying and painful sexual experiences with men. Sex in relationships often felt like an obligation. Called 'inhibited' and 'cold' in bed; unwilling to experiment sexually. Trouble getting aroused. Never able to orgasm with a man until rape. Supposed to enjoy sex - and I don't._

In the left column, labeled "Straight," Alex had listed only a few counterarguments. _Never questioned my sexuality until age 33 - why wouldn't I have known / suspected earlier? Never envisioned / imagined kissing or having sex with a woman - would I like it? Arguments 'for' being a lesbian could also be explained by a poor choice of sex partners (men I'm not attracted to rather than men in general, men not skilled in arousing / pleasuring me), puritanical sex-negative upbringing, working at SVU. Explains why I haven't liked sex with men, but not why I might enjoy sex with a woman._

Finally, under all of her arguments, Alex had drawn two horizontal lines, and written two questions across the page. _Was my grief for Anna so strong because I felt more than friendship for her? Do I see myself participating enthusiastically in a sexual relationship with a woman?_

When Olivia got to the end of the page, she carefully placed the notepad and laptop back exactly as Alex had left them, and retreated to the couch with her cup of coffee and a case file. The long list certainly explained why Alex had been lost in dreamland earlier, but she wasn't sure which part of the mostly negative list had evoked the smile. She had known about Robert, of course, and the claims adjustor, and Alex had mentioned her college and law school boyfriend, Alan Messinger, a few times. Alex had admitted to not having had many partners or any good sex, but was that really it for her? Olivia suddenly felt guilty for betraying her friend's trust, and worse that she could hardly imagine getting to be 33 without a single positive sexual experience.

Alex returned a few minutes later, and plopped the bag of groceries down on the dining room table to put her laptop and legal pad back in her briefcase. Once in the kitchen, she began chopping vegetables and taking pans out of Olivia's cabinets, cursing the fact that they were practically growing cobwebs.

Olivia brought her case file into the kitchen and sat down on a stool. "I decided I have to see this for myself," she teased, watching Alex drizzle oil and spices into a pan.

"Oh, shut up," Alex scolded her. She slapped Olivia's hand as she reached out to grab a slice of carrot. "Liz called when I on my way to the store," she said. "Apparently Granger filed motions up the wazoo today. Motion to suppress the evidence from the rape kit, because you were there and now I'm staying with you. Motion to suppress the evidence from the apartment on the grounds that I couldn't authorize CSU to search because I don't own the apartment. Motion to suppress the recording from the tombs on the grounds that my _serial rapist and murder defendant_ was 'acting as an agent of the police' when he 'interrogated' Robert. Appeal to instate bail due to 'emotional distress' and the fact that remand is usually only granted in murder trials."

"And?"

"And Moredock had them all thrown out. Apparently he's the trial judge if Robert doesn't take the deal. Granger had no grounds for any of them and he knows it, but Robert's paying him, so he might as well milk him for what he's worth. The only one that has any _legal _merit is the appeal on bail, which he could actually win. But I think if all the evidence is in, Granger's going to see the writing on the wall. I hope, anyway. And the appeal wouldn't be heard before next week."

"And are you doing okay?" Olivia asked softly, now interpreting Alex's dedication to cooking as frenzied movement. She reached out to touch Alex's arm and hold her still for a second, studying her face for clues. "Hey, it's just me. If you need a few minutes, take them. Dinner's not going anywhere, okay?"

"I'm fine," Alex insisted, pulling out of Olivia's reach. "Some guy just leaned in too close to me at the store, and I freaked out a little. I'm okay, I promise."

"You'd tell me if you weren't?"

"Yes, mom." Alex went back to adding vegetables to her side dish on the stove. "What are you reading? I thought you were supposed to be off."

"Yeah, but I've got an open serial who targets young teenage girls, and something about it is off. I can't figure out what it is, yet, but I think there's something in there that I'm missing."

"Ouf. Sounds horrible."

"It is. He's really violent, Lex, and he's escalating. I'm worried that if we don't get him, the next one isn't going to make it."

When dinner was ready, they decided to eat around the coffee table to avoid forcing Laura to move. Although she was mostly recovered, she still complained of some pain and cramps, and only picked at her dinner.

Olivia apologized immediately upon tasting Alex's meal. "I'm sorry, Lex. This is delicious. I take back everything I said. You can cook for me anytime you want."

Alex laughed. "Who says I want to cook for you after all your teasing about the fire department and poison control? I made this for Laura, not for you," she teased. "I shouldn't have even let you have any."

"Oh, come on. You'll get rusty pretty fast if you don't practice. And who are you going to cook for besides me? Munch? Elliot?"

"Nah, if I cook for Elliot I have to cook for his wife and eight kids, too. So yeah, I suppose you win." Alex smiled at the banter they were just starting to regain. Not everything had to be so serious with Olivia. She could be supportive _and _enjoy a laugh. "Speaking of which, I asked my realtor to give the tenants in my old apartment their 90 days notice to quit."

"Are you trying to tell me, counselor, that I'm stuck with you for 90 days and you're going to bribe me with your cooking to get me to agree that you can stay that long?" Olivia teased.

"Well, if you don't like it, I can always go stay with Liz. She'll bring me cupcakes. Although we might actually kill each other. But seriously, Liv, if it's too much I can get a hotel for a few weeks. I just figure it'll be easier than finding a new place to live when I already have a perfectly good apartment."

"You can stay here as long as you want, Lex. Once I go back to work I'll hardly be here anyway. I *might* come home to eat once or twice a week and do laundry."

"True. And I'll hardly be here either. Those ADAs keep me on my toes."

Laura mostly picked at her dinner and ate some rice and plain yogurt, but she enjoyed watching the easy banter between the two women. It was nice to be in a place where people were nice to each other, and respected her decisions as a person. Her own parents babied her, and her father even treated her mother like a child sometimes.

Olivia jumped up when her phone rang. "Benson," she answered breathlessly when she'd dug it out of her jacket pocket. Her face dropped as she realized she was getting called out. She went to get her badge and gun out of the lockbox in her bedroom as Elliot finished the rundown of the scene. "El, I'm just finishing up dinner. I'll be there in like 20 minutes, 30 max, k?"

_"Dinner? Or takeout?"_

"Dinner. Alex cooked. It was delicious."

_"Cabot cooks? I don't believe it."_

"Believe it, El. Or I'll tell her you said that." She winked at Alex as she put on her leather jacket. "See you in a few." She hung up and sighed. "It's my serial. Vic's up at Mercy. Elliot said she's in rough shape, so I'm not sure I'll get to talk to her tonight, and I don't know how long I'll be. Will you put my pillow on the couch when you go to sleep so I don't wake you when I come in?"

Alex nodded and followed her over to the door.

"You going to be okay, Lex?" Olivia asked quietly when they got away from the table. Alex nodded. "Remember she's a big girl. You can get some space and go into the room if you need to."

"I know, Liv. I'm a big girl too."

Olivia reached out to touch her arm. "I'll send you a text when I know how long I'll be gone. Don't wait up for me. Get some sleep."

"Will you let me know when you get home? Even if it's late? I know you don't want to wake me up, but… I'll feel better knowing you're back." Olivia nodded. "Stay safe, detective."

"You bet. I'll be back soon."

As Olivia closed the door, Alex went back to the table and began gathering up the dinner dishes to bring to the kitchen. When she finished cleaning up, she pulled a law journal out of her briefcase and sat on the couch opposite Laura.

"She really loves you, you know," Laura said, after a while, studying Alex. Alex put down the journal and looked intently at Laura through her glasses. "I know you said you aren't gay, and I don't know if she is or not, but I can tell she loves you a lot."

"What makes you say that?" Alex asked cautiously, unwilling to give away anything about Olivia's sexuality or her own doubts.

"The way she looks at you, how she teases you but is always kind to you, how she's always watching you or checking in to make sure you're okay… lots of different things. People don't do that stuff with people they don't love. And most people aren't like that with their friends."

"Olivia and I worked together very closely for years. Then I was shot, and she saved my life by applying pressure to the wound. I had to leave New York, and she was one of only two people who knew I was alive for almost three years. We… not many people have that bond."

"But you were back for a year before you called her, and only then because you needed her help? Sorry… I overheard you on the phone earlier."

"I had a bit of trouble coming back to my old life. Feeling like my old self." Alex explained.

Laura took a breath. "Look, I'm not judging you. You and Olivia have been very kind to me, and I'm grateful to you, really. It just sounds like you were hiding from something. Maybe from her."

"A lot changed while I was gone. _I _changed a lot while I was gone."

"Well, I didn't know you before, so I can't say. But if you didn't call her for a year, and she just drops everything to let you move in for 3 months… Most friends, even really good friends, don't do stuff like that."

"How old are you? 16 or 65?" Alex teased, wanted to put an end to the serious part of the conversation, at least with regard to her own personal life. Sure, she cared about Olivia, loved her even, as a _friend_. Was it possible that Olivia was hiding deeper feelings for her? Or that her own unresolved feelings about her sexuality were actually masking an attraction to her friend? Yikes.

"I've just seen a lot. But my parents don't look at each other the way she looks at you. My aunt looked at her girlfriend that way, though."

"How do your parents look at each other?" Alex asked gently.

"My dad… he's always watching my mom to make sure she doesn't mess up and do something 'unladylike.' He always wants her to call him 'sir,' and he gets mad if the chores aren't done a certain way, or if he thinks dinner doesn't taste right. She never looks directly at him."

"And what happens if he gets angry?"

"He makes her stand in the corner, and apologize for what she's done, and then sometimes I hear her crying in their room but I don't know what he does. I think he hits her. Sometimes she has trouble walking afterwards."

"And does he hit you when he's angry with you?"

Laura looked away, her face turning red in shame. "Sometimes. He hit me when he saw me with a boy from school. Said I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend." She scoffed. "It wasn't even the guy I slept with, it was just some guy who was helping me with my math homework. Another time it was because my grades weren't good. And once because he caught me with makeup. But he hits my mom a lot more than he hits me."

"That's not normal, Laura. You shouldn't have been exposed to that."

"No, but my mom can't leave. She didn't go to college and she's never worked, so what's she going to do? And I can't leave without her."

"Laura, I can't help either of you unless you agree, but Olivia's unit at the police department deals with cases of abuse. She can help you. And I can help you get a restraining order to protect both of you."

"I just think that it's only two more years… then I'm in college. And then what happens to my mom?"

"Your mom is responsible for herself. It takes a lot for them to leave, and a lot of them keep going back until they're ready to leave for real. How long has she been married to your dad?"

"18 years. She was 16 when they got married."

"Let me ask you this. Do you know girls at school who have boyfriends who cheat on them?"

"Yeah."

"And they stay with them anyway, because their boyfriends keep promising they'll change, that it was a mistake, or a misunderstanding, and then it happens again and again?"

"Yeah."

"And you probably think they're idiots for going back to the same guy, right?" She waited for Laura to nod. "Well, from their point of view, they're in love, and love is going to solve all their problems, and it's just temporary. It's the same thing when women are abused. It starts off as a one-time thing. An accident. The man buys flowers, he apologizes, he's very sweet, he makes it up to her, and he promises never ever to do it again. And then it happens again a few weeks later. And a third time. And then when she gets pregnant, it gets worse, because now she can't leave. And every time, she forgives him, thinking he'll realize he loves her and he's hurting her, and it never happens. And she gets used to it, and a lot of times she's financially dependant on him, and it's very hard for a woman to leave after that. And legally, it's gotten easier for women to get protection, but harder for them to get financial support. Your mom probably didn't know where to go. She probably still doesn't."

Laura considered this for a moment, and Alex continued. "Listen, I've helped a lot of women in your mom's situation, but they have to want to help themselves first. And I want you to know how important it is that if anyone hurts you in a relationship, you don't allow her to make excuses or apologies. You leave. Domestic violence is even harder to stop and prosecute when it's a same-sex couple. And children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to become victims or perpetrators of violence. So you need to recognize the signs, and if you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you need to get out."

"And if I'm the violent one… can I get help?"

"Therapy could help. It's just something to keep in mind. You're not doomed to be violent by your genes or anything like that. I have no idea what your temper is like, so I can't say if you're violent or not. But just be aware and make sure you have better tools to control yourself than your father does." Alex got up and grabbed her journal and her briefcase. "I'm going to take a shower and do a little reading before I go to sleep. Feel free to take a shower if you want, but Olivia will sleep on the couch when she gets home, so don't fall asleep out here, okay?"

Laura nodded. "If you feel sick, knock on my door, okay? And feel free to have Elena over tomorrow after school if you're feeling better. She can bring you some homework, and a visit from your girlfriend will probably help you to feel better."

Laura blushed. "How did you know?"

"I didn't, until just now. Lucky guess. But not to worry. Your secret's safe with me."


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: I'm traveling this week so it may be a few days before I can update. Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words and PMs. Please enjoy & review.**

* * *

Alex rinsed off quickly in the shower and put on her pyjamas before climbing into bed, deciding to take advantage of Olivia's absence by addressing one of the questions on her list. Could she actually imagine having sex with a woman, or did she just enjoy reading about it?

To start, she dug out her paperback from the back of the dresser, and read one of the erotic passages. Alex had always wondered what _good_ oral sex would be like, and she enjoyed reading about the two women pleasuring each other, but had never imagined herself as a participant. Though Alan had only once made a cursory, fumbled attempt, and Robert had tried, roughly, without her permission, she'd wondered if the earth-shattering oral sex in her romance novels was exaggerated, or whether it actually was supposed to be _that_ good.

Somewhere between her reading on the Kinsey scale (reassuring her that almost 4 in 10 women scored on the bisexual-to-lesbian side of things) and taking the "Are you a lesbian?" quiz, Alex had read something about how, unlike men, women were often turned on by sex acts they didn't personally want to participate in. This seemed to confirm what Olivia had said: straight women could be turned on by gay or lesbian porn, practitioners of vanilla sex could be turned on by kink, and nobody would be able to judge her sexuality based solely on the novel she read.

For Alex, though, the test was determining whether her own participation in sex with a woman turned her on, or whether her interest was purely speculative. If the thought of performing oral sex on another woman appealed to her, rather than repulsed her, Alex thought she could be pretty sure she was at least strongly bisexual.

She went through a short list of her girl crushes from over the years, starting with her sixth grade English teacher and ending with Tina Fey, imagining what it would be like to touch her breasts, to slip a finger inside of her, and to taste her arousal. She realized she had a problem when she imagined completing the act: every time she imagined a woman orgasming underneath her or making love to her, the only face she saw was Olivia's.

She instantly felt guilty for picturing her friend so intimately. True, Olivia had been affectionate with her ever since the Roy Barnett case, offering a hug or a reassuring touch. She'd held her at night during the Connors trial, when Alex had confided in her about being on antidepressants and sleeping with some guy from her office and about losing hope that she'd ever get to be herself again. But even when she'd touched her more intimately, or offered a kiss on the cheek, Alex had never felt uncomfortable. If Olivia felt that way about her, she'd never suspected. Not to mention the fact that Alex knew she was still reeling from her own assault and whatever had happened with Jenna.

Just for the sake of argument, when she finished her daydream, she imagined the same scene with some of the male celebrities she'd admired over the years, and felt her arousal immediately cool. _I guess that answers that question, then_, she thought, tucking the book back behind her clothes in the drawer. _So, I guess I'm a lesbian. What am I going to do now?_

Alex began compiling a list of questions in her head, trying to figure out what she was supposed to do next with this new self-discovery. _Do I come out? Do I care if people know? Is it going to affect a political career? Is meeting women going to be a lot harder than meeting men? Who pays? _

_Does the three-date standard for sex still apply? _Alex rarely went on any third dates as a straight woman when she thought she'd 'owe' her date, but she'd have to be aware in case the rules changed.

Fortunately, Alex's practical side took over before the train of thought could swerve out of control. _Cabot… you're getting ahead of yourself. It's probably going to be months before you're ready to go on a date._

Alex tried to go back to picturing herself with another woman, to feeling safe and loved during sex instead of empty and alone. When the questions that plagued her mind quieted and she finally drifted off to sleep, it wasn't long before she saw another face.

_"Oh, don't you worry, sweetie. We'll still use your toys. You're in for one hell of a night… Baby, by the time I'm done, you'll be begging for more. Now let's go to bed… Alexandra, you are so hot right now. I came home to my beautiful fiancée, aroused and ready for me to take her any way I want to, all night long."_

Her whole body stiffened as she felt his mouth on her, then his fingers inside of her, taunting her as he brought her closer and closer to the edge.

_"You're all mine, Alexandra. Nobody can have you but me. I'm the one you'll see every time you come. Come for me, Alexandra," _she could see him leering at her as he sucked hard on her clit and pushed her over the edge.

_"I'll see you in a bit, Alexandra. We'll continue this later."_

Alex woke up panting and with tears in her eyes, and she immediately reached down to her panties to see if what she had just felt was real. Her heart sank when she felt wet and sensitive and realized it was. She looked around the room. _Olivia's room_. Olivia wasn't there; she'd gotten called out. The clock read 3:42 AM.

Her stomach lurched and she stumbled out of bed towards the bathroom, making it just in time to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

She didn't know how long she had been there, dry-heaving into the toilet and crying, before she heard a soft knock on the door. "Lex? You okay in there?" Alex responded by retching again.

Olivia opened the bathroom door and slid in behind Alex, pulling back her hair and feeling her forehead. Alex's skin didn't feel warm, but she grabbed a washcloth and wet it in the sink, pressing it to her face and then to the back of her neck. Alex flinched slightly at Olivia's touch.

"How long have you been in here, Lex?" Olivia asked gently, running her fingers through Alex's hair. Alex stiffened, so Olivia twisted her hair and pulled her hand back, careful not to touch without permission.

"Don't know. What time is it?" Alex moaned, clutching her stomach and dry-heaving again.

"Almost quarter after four. I just got home."

"Half an hour, maybe."

"You've been sick this whole time?" Alex nodded. "Well, it doesn't look like your cooking is to blame, since neither Laura nor I got sick," Olivia offered. Alex whacked her weakly in the arm, and her faint laugh turned into dry-heaving again over the toilet bowl. "Sorry, sweetie. I'll get out the thermometer so we can take your temperature, but you don't feel warm. Did something happen while I was gone?"

"Bad dream. He was there… inside me. He made me…" Alex retched again.

"Oh, sweetie," Olivia soothed. "He's not here. You're safe right now, Lex. I'm going to get you some new pyjamas while you're taking your temp, and some saltines and ginger ale to try to settle your stomach, okay? I'll be right back."

Olivia moved as quickly as she could to get back to the bathroom, and noticed her office door open a crack. She peaked her head in.

"Is Alex okay?" Laura asked timidly. She had a desk lamp on and was reading in bed.

Olivia nodded. "She'll be fine, she's just not feeling well right now. But I'm going to close this door so she has some privacy, okay? Can you hear what we're saying when we talk in there?"

Laura shook her head. "I hear noise but not words."

"Okay. Try to get some sleep. We'll try not to keep you awake." Olivia slipped back into the bathroom, where Alex had progressed to leaning back against the bathtub, and sat down next to her with the crackers and soda. "Here, Lex, try this to see if it settles your stomach a bit."

Alex ate a few of the crackers and had a few sips of the soda, pleased that she didn't immediately lose them. When a few minutes had gone by without being sick, Olivia proposed that she try to stand up, and offered her a hand. "Why don't you rinse off in the shower real quick and put on your new pyjamas, and I'm going to change the sheets on the bed. Then we can talk if you want, okay?"

Alex put her hand on her stomach, as if willing it to stay settled, and turned on the water, while Olivia stripped the sheets that were soaked with Alex's sweat. Olivia helped her into a sitting-up position and put a lined trashcan next to the bed, before sliding in next to her.

"Feeling a bit better?" Olivia finally asked, and Alex nodded. "Do you need a hug? Or a hand to hold? It looked like you didn't want to be touched, but if you need something, I'm here, okay?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't want to be touched right now, Liv. I just… I feel really dirty."

"Lex, you're not dirty. What makes you say that?"

Alex made eye contact briefly before looking away in shame. "In my dream… my nightmare… he made me. He told me that I was his… that I'd see his face every time I…"

"He made you have an orgasm in your dream?" Olivia clarified gently. Alex nodded, crying silently again.

"It was real. I felt it. And in the police report… I told you it happened, but I didn't tell you it happened more than once. I lied in my report, Liv."

"Shh, Lex, it's okay. First of all, we _know _that all victims lie about some aspect of their assault, usually because they're embarrassed, and it's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't want to talk about it. Second of all, omitting the number of times it happened isn't the same thing as lying. _Nobody_ is going to be able to ask you how many orgasms you had and use it to discredit you. And as for why you had them, you know that it's a natural response and it doesn't mean you wanted it. Have you _ever_ decided not to believe a victim or declined to prosecute a rapist because the victim's body reacted involuntarily during the assault?"

Alex shook her head. "But it never happened for me before, with anyone… I've never felt comfortable enough. Or had someone who tried hard enough. And what if he's right? What if his face is the only thing I see? What if I can never… with anyone? And maybe it was my body's response during the rape, but what about during the dream? There was no reason for me to… It's not like I was…"

"Lex, come here, okay?" Olivia held out her arms and Alex leaned into her, allowing herself to be held and her back to be rubbed. "I don't know why it happened. It may not be the only nightmare you ever have like that. And it may be true that when you start having sex again, it will be hard because you might see him. But he's going to go to jail for a long time for what he did to you. And you're not dirty. You're one of the strongest women I know. So you're going to get through this, even though it'll be hard, and you'll go on to have many satisfying orgasms with someone who loves you and who makes you forget that he ever existed."

"I don't know, Liv."

"I do. Trust me on this one, okay?" Alex nodded. "Think you can go back to sleep for a bit? It's still too early to get up."

"I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep. I think I'll get up in a few minutes and try to get some work done."

"Okay, then let's just sit here for a few minutes first, okay?"

Alex nodded. "By the way, just because you're being sweet to me doesn't mean you're off the hook for reading my list."

Olivia feigned ignorance. "What list?"

"The list I left hidden under my laptop when I went to the grocery store, _detective._ Once I got downstairs I realized I should have locked it in my briefcase."

"I'm sorry, Lex. I just wanted to know what had made you smile. I didn't realize I'd be snooping on something so personal. I shouldn't have looked."

"I just… I'm not ready to talk about it yet, okay?"

"Okay. You don't have to talk about it with me at all, if you don't want to." Olivia said.

"I will. Just, not yet."

"What's your plan for today?"

"I'm going to do some work for a bit. Then I think I need to go visit my mom. I haven't gone since I've been back because my own headstone was still there and it freaked me out. I told Laura that if she wanted Elena to come over after school to visit, it would be okay. Apparently Elena's her girlfriend, but they're not out. I only know because I guessed. And tonight I have bell rehearsal at church. What about you?"

"I need to sleep for a few hours, but I'll be up by mid-morning. At some point I need to go back to the hospital to talk to the vic. Elliot's going to call when she's awake and come by to pick me up. She was in bad shape, so I couldn't talk to her. I waited with her until her parents got there. She was just a kid, Lex. 11 years old." Alex shook her head. They all hated when it was a kid. "Lex, do you want company to go see your mom? Or is that something you want to do alone?"

"I think I need to go alone." After a few minutes, Alex decided that 5:30 was a perfectly acceptable time to get out of bed, and she shifted out of Olivia's arms. Olivia was exhausted and fading fast, so Alex pulled the covers up around her and surprised herself by leaning over to kiss her temple. "Sleep tight, Liv," she whispered before padding quietly out of the bedroom to go make coffee.


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.**

**Author's Note: I'm traveling this week so it may be a few days before I can update. Just so you know, I've decided to weave the Portland plotline (which I originally wanted to do as a sequel) into this story. It fits, and because we're only a week after the rape and I want them to take it slow, I still have a ways to go. But the big reveal is coming soon!**

**Tanner22 - you asked how Alex knew Olivia read her list... I think it was more assuming she would have looked since it was out (inevitable discovery?) and not put away, and that she had seemed interested in whatever was on the page earlier. I also think she left it out because she _wanted_ Olivia to look, as she's not sure how to deal with everything right now and she needs the support from Olivia but doesn't necessarily know how to ask for it.**

**Thanks again to reviewers for your kind words and PMs. I'm appreciating your stories on sexuality as well as your encouragement. :-) Please enjoy & review.**

* * *

Alex sat on the couch to check her email while drinking her coffee, rolling her eyes at the video Liz had sent her of a hamster eating a piece of broccoli and kicking his feet in excitement, and scrolling through the numerous spam messages. She replied to Rossi to confirm a meeting on Friday afternoon to go over her case, before scrolling down and finding an email from Jack Hammond.

_Alex —_

_After I talked to you, I did some more digging into the Sarah Williams case. Turns out that the student she accused, Chris Keating, was on the football team and there's no mark on his school record at all. His father works for the governor and has made big donations to the school, which is probably why it was swept under the rug. He's been accepted early decision to Harvard and is going to be the valedictorian. I thought you should know._

_Jack_

Alex fired off a quick and angry reply.

_Jack —_

_Oh HELL no. Raping a student at a school event with a faculty member as an eyewitness, and not so much as a suspension? That violates so many federal laws I can't even… Needless to say, I'll be making travel arrangements as soon as possible and filing for admission to the Oregon bar. I'll contact the Portland DA's office this morning to set up a meeting so they can bring Sarah in when I go. She'll be angry - she trusted me - but I hope we can make this right._

_Makes me wonder if there are other incidents that the school is hiding - these guys rarely stop at one victim. Fortunately, I have connections in the Harvard admissions office. I'm sure they'll be very interested to hear about the charges once they're filed._

_Thanks for keeping me in the loop._

_Alex_

By the time Olivia woke at 10:30, Alex had filed an application online to be admitted to the Oregon bar through their reciprocity agreement with New York, and done several hours of research on Title IX, the Cleary Act, and various federal laws concerning equal opportunity to education. Even though no criminal trial had taken place, her own eyewitness statement and the rape kit should have met the standard for "a preponderance of evidence" required for the school to take action against the alleged rapist in the absence of a conviction. Alex wasn't naive - she knew that more affluent rapists got off easier, but it sickened her to think that this was her fault. If she hadn't left, she would have been able to push for justice.

"Morning Liv," Alex called, waiting for Olivia to get her coffee and join her on the couch. "How do you feel about going to Portland?"

"Portland? Why? When?"

"When? In a couple of weeks. End of the month, probably, after Easter. And we're going to put a rapist in jail."

"Is this about the girl you said you weren't able to help?" Olivia asked.

Alex nodded. "This time two years ago, I volunteered to chaperone the Spring Fling at the school where I was working. I figured I didn't have much of a social life, I liked the kids, it was almost time for the AP exam… it was basically prom, but for the whole school and held in the gym. I went to use the restroom when this girl came by and told me that a guy had gone into the girls' bathroom. So of course, I went to investigate, and one of my sophomores - real jerk - had one of my freshman girls from the debate team up against the wall, raping her. I pulled him off, checked her out and brought her to the hospital for a rape kit, despite protests from administrators. I gave a statement to police as a witness, and had to hand over my driver's license instead of stating my Witsec name and making a false statement."

Alex's voice shook as she relayed what had happened next. "Hammond was furious that I'd had contact with law enforcement, risked compromising my identity, and my integrity as a witness. He made it very clear that I couldn't be interviewed further. He wanted to move me right away, but I begged him to let me stay until after the AP exam ten days later. And I didn't want Sarah to be traumatized when someone she trusted to help her died two days after she was raped, although I'm not sure two weeks made a difference. Anyway, turns out, the kid was never prosecuted and had zero repercussions at school."

"And you want to step forward as a witness and cajole them into prosecuting?"

"Well, I _don't_ want him going to Harvard on a football scholarship!"

"Me neither. Let's do it." Olivia said.

As Olivia went back into the bedroom to get dressed for a run, Alex opened a new tab in her browser and logged into Kristen Walker's email for the first time in two years. She scrolled through and deleted dozens of spam emails, looking for her debate team mailing list to identify Sarah's email. She hoped the girl's email address hadn't changed so she could send an introduction and an apology before showing up, returned from the dead, in Oregon.

She didn't need to look. Aside from a few emails from the school administration, which had kept her on the faculty email list through the end of the year despite her 'death,' she found over a hundred emails, all written after she had died. Alex opened the first one, written three day after Kristen Walker had been killed in a car accident, five days after the AP English exam, and Alex Cabot had been relocated to Bloomington, Indiana under a new identity.

_Subject: Thank you for helping me_

_Dear Ms. Walker,_

_I know you'll never get this email now and I wish I had gotten the chance to tell you in person. Thank you for helping me, and for believing me. Since you're not here anymore, nobody else does._

_The school finished their "investigation" of my rape and concluded that we both broke school policy by having sex on school grounds during a school function. Chris got a month of Saturday school suspensions, which won't go on his record. People have been saying that his dad is going to try to get the school to give him an alternative punishment, since he has sports practice on Saturday mornings._

_I got suspended from school for a week because my dress didn't fit the dress code and I deserve a harsher punishment because 'boys will be boys.' How the hell is that fair?! That will go on my transcript, and now I'll never get into a good college or law school like I wanted. _

_I know if you were still here you'd believe me and help me fight them, but you're not, and I don't know what I'm going to do. Everyone at school has been calling me a slut, and my guidance counselor says that if I can't be in the same class as him, I have to change my schedule to switch my history class, and I can't take AP Government next year because there's only one section._

_Not even my own parents believe me; they've grounded me for a month. Although I don't want to go to any school activities, and I can't go to parties or out with my friends because he's always there. And I don't have a boyfriend anymore. He broke up with me for 'cheating' on him, and because he was angry that I wouldn't have sex with him but he thinks I wanted to lose my virginity in a bathroom stall at a dance._

_I wish you were still here and could help me figure out what to do. I don't know how I'm going to get through three more years of this school, especially if he's still here and Mr. Popular for two of them. If you're listening, wherever you are, please help me get through high school._

_Love,_

_Sarah_

Alex began reading and printing the emails, page after page chronicling how the school issued new dress code guidelines for dances to prevent girls from 'unwittingly' having a bad influence on male students, how Sarah was dragged into 'reconciliation' in the guidance counselor's office when she was unwilling to be around Chris, and how Chris bragged to all his friends about 'hitting a home run' with her at the dance until 'that bitch teacher - I'm glad she's dead' caught him in the act, and how the prosector told her that without the corroborating witness, he couldn't bring a 'he-said-she-said' case to trial. Alex's sadness turned to horror as Sarah reported feeling better when she was drinking, and skipping school a lot, and contemplating whether anyone would miss her if she died.

A hundred and twenty-seven pages, a few kleenex, and a vow to buy Olivia a new print cartridge and ream of paper later, Alex opened her own email and tried to figure out how to apologize to a girl who had suffered so much without her there to advocate for her.

_Subject: Veritatem dies aperit. (Time reveals the truth)_

_Dear Sarah,_

_I am probably the last person you would expect to hear from, or even want to hear from, after everything you've been through over the last two years._

_You knew me as Kristen Walker, your AP English teacher and debate coach from Gainesville, Florida; in reality, my name is Alexandra Cabot, and I was a prosecutor in New York City before I went into the Witness Protection Program after an attempt on my life. I spent 15 months as Emily Robins from Tulsa in Madison, Wisconsin, before moving to Portland for 9 months. I had two other identities before I was able to return to New York as myself six months ago, when the man who wanted me dead was extradited to Colombia._

_I am so sorry that I wasn't there to support you and help you in the aftermath of your rape. Before I left New York, I worked with many rape victims and was assigned to prosecute sex crimes (now I'm in homicide). I am very familiar with the challenges women face when seeking justice for rape and sexual assault, and I wish I could have done more. Knowing that criminal prosecution was unlikely without DNA evidence and without my witness testimony, I fought tooth and nail to stay in Portland, but they wouldn't allow me to stay after the AP exam. If I _had_ stayed, I would not have been able to testify as a witness at a criminal trial - I wouldn't have been able to use my real name, and identifying myself as Kristen Walker would have been committing perjury, which would have jeopardized the trial, my career, the careers of several FBI handlers and US Federal Marshals, and quite possibly my life._

_I understand that it's been a long time, but I have contacted the Portland District Attorney's office as a witness, and they have agreed to revisit the case and bring charges against Mr. Keating if you're still willing to testify. I will make every effort to help the prosecution, and my FBI handler has also agreed to corroborate my story and my police statement in open court. We will be meeting with the prosecutor at the end of the month, and they will probably call you in for a meeting as well._

_I also intend to investigate whether any charges or a civil lawsuit can be filed against school administrators for violating Title IX and the Cleary Act for not protecting you from Chris. Schools are required to protect students from rapists, and the standard is 'a preponderance of evidence,' lower than 'beyond a reasonable doubt' which is required to convict him. Your statement and my witness statement as a faculty member should have been more than enough for the school to have taken action without a criminal conviction, and the fact that they did nothing - and punished you _more_ than him - demonstrates gross negligence. _

_I hesitated before reading the emails you sent after I 'died,' because I didn't want to invade your privacy. Obviously, you never thought I - or anyone else - would read them. Ultimately, though, they document the school's actions, or rather, its failure to act, and will be crucial to proving our case should we file a suit. I have already applied to the Oregon Bar in order to be able to do this on your behalf; however, we can discuss it in detail when I visit at the end of the month._

_I understand if you're angry with me - because I lied to you, because I left, because I read your private emails, because I wasn't there to help before, for any number of reasons. I won't blame you if you want nothing to do with me given the circumstances. But if you agree to give me a chance to explain and to make things right, I'd like to take you out to lunch when I come to Portland so we can discuss the school, the case, and anything I can do to help you to feel safe and to stay on track personally and academically._

_I won't push you, but please feel free to email or call if there's anything I can do in the meantime. My cell phone number is in my email signature._

_Sincerely,_

_Alex (aka Ms. Walker)_

Alex let out the breath she didn't know she was still holding as she entered the email address and clicked send. At least Hammond had organized her return from the dead in New York, and most people had known she was alive after the Connors trial. Reappearing in someone's life as abruptly as she had left it made Alex a bit uneasy, and she hoped she wouldn't further traumatize Sarah.

Closing her laptop, she sighed and got up to make another cup of coffee, already tired from not sleeping well and getting up far too early in the morning. She checked on Laura, who was still asleep at almost noon, and went back to the couch to lay down.

Alex woke up not much later to Olivia sitting in front of her with her hand on her arm. "Are you feeling okay, Alex?" she asked gently, warm brown eyes filled with concern. Olivia's hair was damp and she had changed out of her running clothes, so Alex deducted that she had just gotten out of the shower after her run. It had to be at least 1 o'clock.

"I'm okay," Alex murmured into her pillow. "Just tired. I did get up early, you know."

"I know. But you usually get up early for work, and you don't usually take naps in the middle of the day."

"It's just that this week is kicking my butt," Alex explained. Being emotional was exhausting.

Olivia nodded in understanding and smiled mischievously. "I brought you something," she said, reaching behind her.

"Oh yeah?" Alex raised an eyebrow, and snorted as Olivia brought the clear plastic box containing a vanilla cupcake with white frosting covered in rainbow sprinkles into sight. "Really, Olivia? Seriously?! You jerk. I'm glad you find my confusion so amusing." she exclaimed, reaching to swat Olivia on the arm.

"I bring you a cupcake with no hidden meaning whatsoever and I'm a jerk? What about 'Oh, thank you Olivia. You're such a good friend to bring me this delicious cupcake after the hard week I've had.' You know, maybe I'll just eat it myself. Besides, I just went on a five mile run, and you've just been here napping this whole time."

Alex rolled her eyes and sat up. "You know, I actually worked very hard this morning while everyone was sleeping and then you were out gallivanting around the city." She took the cupcake box and the fork and took a bite, then held out the manila file folder where she had stored her morning research and Sarah's emails out to Olivia. "Take a look at these."

Alex took another bite of cupcake and got up to get two more forks and put water on for tea in the kitchen. She offered the forks to Laura, who was reading her new copy of _Our Bodies, Ourselves _voraciously in bed, and to Olivia, whose eyes widened with every page of emails she read.

"This is horrible," she murmured, leaning back as Alex sat down next to her and offered her a bite of cake. Olivia opened her mouth, allowing Alex to feed her.

"I know," Alex sighed. "I hope it's not too late for me to do something for her. If I had contacted her when I got out…"

"Alex, you had to take care of yourself, too. No reasonable person would expect you to do this first thing." Olivia paused. "The best way you're good for this girl is to be totally, completely, 100% kick-ass Alexandra Cabot. And she's almost back. _That's_ who needs to go to Portland this month. That's how you're going to help her: by going there and telling the Portland DA and the school what's what and making them see things your way."

Alex nodded and put down her fork and her cup of tea. "I think I need to go visit my mom now," she said, putting on her coat and reaching for her purse and her car keys. "I'll be back in a bit."

Laura finished her bite of cupcake and took a spot on the couch. "Is Alex okay?"

Olivia put down her fork and looked at the girl. "She'll be alright. She's had a spectacularly difficult week. How are you feeling?"

"I'm still a little sore and nauseous, but I can go home this afternoon and get out of your hair. I think Alex will probably be glad for me to leave."

"I'll talk to her, but if you're still not feeling well, we might want you to stay one more night, just to be sure you're okay. Alex wouldn't have offered to let you stay here if she didn't think it was important. And you shouldn't have to be alone in this."

"I'm okay now, really. It just feels like bad PMS, and I'll probably go back to school tomorrow. I wouldn't have even asked if I had known what she'd been through… I just didn't know what else to do."

"Well, I'll see what she says when she gets back. But you worry about yourself, and I'll worry about her, okay?"

Laura nodded. "You love her, don't you?"

Olivia looked thoughtful. "She's been my friend for years, I care for her a lot, and she needs a place to stay and some TLC right now. I'm trying to be a supportive friend."

"She loves you. She didn't say so, but I could tell."

"Laura, I appreciate your concern, but that's between me and Alex, and it's not something I want to discuss with you."

Alex drove out of the city, turning up the classical music station and thinking about what she was going to say to her mother. She'd mostly avoided visiting the gravesite since her return, as her own headstone had stayed for a few months before she got the cemetery to remove it, and seeing it there had always creeped her out.

She picked up a bunch of daisies and irises, her mother's favorites, at the florist before turning down the narrow path to park the car and sitting down on the ground, leaning back into the stone with the bouquet in her lap.

"Mom, I don't know if you can hear me, but I miss you and I could really use you right about now… I know we didn't have the best relationship, and I never thought I was living up to your standards, but I don't know if I can. Mom, I know you wanted me to get married to some guy from a good family and have a prenup and a huge society page wedding and lots of blond babies, but I don't think I can do that. No man has ever made me happy - made me _feel_ the way I should feel if I'm in love. And I know you'd think that's terribly romantic and hopelessly impractical, but I've spent too much time trying to be someone I'm not, literally, that I think it's time for me to start figuring out who I really am. I know you loved Daddy in spite of everything, and I hope you want the same thing for me.

"Mom, it hurts too much to keep giving my body without getting anything in return - emotionally or physically - and I can't - I _won't_ do it anymore. I think I'm gay, Mom. And with Robert and trying to fix everything I screwed up during and after Witsec and trying to figure out what I really want, I'm so confused, but I think I have feelings for someone, and I don't know what to do. Everything hurts, Mom, and I don't know if I have feelings because I don't want to hurt anymore, or because I'm confused, or if this might be something real - something I haven't felt before. And I know you probably wouldn't approve and you'd be disappointed and trying to set me up with some guy and acting like this is something I'm doing _to_ you instead of something I'm trying to figure out for myself… but I hope you understand, wherever you are. I hope I can believe what Olivia said about you being proud of me and loving me, even though we only got along sporadically. I probably wouldn't be telling you this if you were here, but I need your support, your help figuring all this out and trying not to screw it up when I can't even think clearly. So I hope you're listening, and that you still love me even if I'm with a woman. And if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I'd really appreciate some kind of sign."

Alex cried for a while, leaning back against the headstone, and didn't move, even as it started to drizzle and then to rain. When the brief shower finally passed, she placed the bouquet in front of the tombstone. Just as she wiped the tears and the rain from her face, before she stood up to turn towards the car, a ladybug came and landed on the iris in the middle of the bouquet. "Thanks, Mom," Alex whispered, pulling out her car keys. "I love you."


End file.
